intermission

There is stuff to post, feelings to air, anger to shout. However im tired so very tired, stories will wait...enjoy the music instead...

Play this track

I bet you sang, smiled, tapped your feet or even got up and danced.

Oh and I am sorry you will be singing this now for a few days.....

Word is getting round...

...now have a black and white cat visitor, no collar on this one and is still quite shy, really hungry though, put some biscuits out and he/she finished in no time...soon I will have no bed for cats!!

Oh and Im ok by the way....lets hope I sleep tonight

Sleep

Had about 12 hours this week, Im feeling ok suprisingly, I am more resiliant than I thought!

Ninny has moved in....

Washing machine has packed up..

Oh well such is eh?

Doctor

I saw him last week, we are reducing the meds, think it is time that my head tried to deal with stuff again. I am worried of course, I have not slept for last 3 nights apart from an hour or two, my energy reserve is about to run out, no matter how tired I am as soon as I lay down, I am wide awake and irritated.

Feeling sad, but dont think that is too do with meds, I got email from government about strimmers and hogs and it was a load of fucking avoiding wiping our hands of crap. I hear stories about ppl that abuse hogs, set fire to them. A man that had a mum and new born hogs in garden and rang Derick to come get them else he would dig them up and put them out onto the road as he did not want them in his garden. I fucking wish I had been there, he would have had all barrels, I want his name and address to name and shame the bastard, sorry for swearing but it warrants it, I know you will understand.

Do I really want to bring a child into this world as it is right now? With fuck wits who are uncaring and not worried about anything apart from their own selves.

People who lie and cheat for their own gains, no matter what the outcome. To be selfish in my opinion is one of the worse traits a person can have. To just think of you own gain..

Im sad Im tired Im despondent, but have to try, have to try and make this life the people in my life be aware. Its all I can do.

Oh and why is it that it is so difficult for me to find love? Why is my life at a stand still, so still I am tripping over it. Others around and I do not begrudge anyone happiness, love..

Just when will be my turn huh?

Saturday night....

Been over to Phill and Sveta's, looked after Nata whilst they went shopping...

sorry this was going to be long post but I have just been sick and feel a little shakey will update soon....

Yes

....I have thought about adoption and one of my "life" plans was to adopt as well as have my own children...still is a plan one day.

Oh my hasnt the weather been lovely the last few days....set for rain now, still thats the way life goes huh?

I have to try

..........despite all my worried I have to see on this one, never has some one touched me so deeply...if I dont I will be full of what if's...never has my life been lived my what if's, if i get hurt then i get hurt.

better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all??????

He does love me, he is not an a.hole ha ha.

I cant not see where this goes, the way we found each other is fate, I dont live life with regrets and I am a brave soul...

Let you know Monday...

Love

Now it should be the one emotion that we all want in one form or another. Meant to be the best feeling to be loved and to feel love. We love our friends, our favourite song or food, or the man/woman we want to spend our life time with.

What happens in my reality though is I fall in love with the wrong ones, not bad ones all the time. In fact this one was completely the right one, I have never met some one that has been so in tune with me. Never met him I know, but the feelings were so real, the talk the laugh the sillyness, the teasing all real. As you know though he is married. I wanted to think really wanted to think that I could handle that.

I cant.

For some one that I have such strong feelings for (yeah I know it sounds mad) my soul mate (yeah I know), my one true love (if you dont believe that I do not care) the person I have been looking for all my life. How can I be with him when I would not want him to be else where.

Its when I lay down that it all comes crashing in. Where is he now, sharing a bed with some one else when he should be in mine. Of course I have no right at all to take him away. I strongly believe that if some one wants to leave their partner then it should be because they want to, not for some one else. I am the one that has the lonely bed, the being on my own and no number of texts or calls or chat could ever make up for that.

Knowing me like I kind of do, I will get and already am sulky over this. I will get demanding, demand more time, need and crave more time. Be with me be with me. The times he would be away with his family would kill me, why is it not me there with him. Why is it never fucking me??

Seriously is my life just one long piss take. Yep here is a great guy, one you connect with on all levels, but btw you cant and never will have him.

I have stopped this tonight, I can not bare the thought of my true love ending up hating and resenting me, which is what will happen, with all the will in the world that is what will happen.

I of course ask myself why I let myself get into this, plus why can I not take it at face value for what it is. Simple really ..

I just want some one that will love and only love me and be and only be with me..

Tears are rolling, but tomorrow is a new day, time to try and pick myself up again, gets harder each time now, especially as I know deep deep down in my heart there will never be a love like this was and could have been for me.

My life is a piss take and Im sick of it, this must be some cruel joke for me to fall like this, find the one and not be able to have.

I just can not keep doing this anymore.

Body tired....mind racing

Jan thanks for you comments, I really do appreciate them as this whirlwind is knocking me off my feet some what. I cant help it, the feelings are out of this world, from both sides. Now I have been hurt many times in the past and my initial reaction to any attention is too push away. Of course part of me says, this is crazy do not do it, do not have these feelings, stop now whilst you can (hmm). I have been through it in my mind time and time again.

Yes I could be taken for a ride (been there) could be just a sex thing, could be a weird man who gets off on this kind of thing. Could be the biggest mistake I ever make.

However, I trust these instincts and I do not feel or think that any of the above are true. It feels like I have come home, I am safe I am loved, I am wanted and cared for. Its amazing I have been waiting for this all my life and now its here, I have to take a chance on it..dont I...would you not?

This might sum it up for you,,

you know who you are

I know...im sorry

Hmmm update did not quite happen, ok holiday was cool, weather not bad. I got an all over tan (yes) uhm broke my phone on the last night..bugger! Now it feels a million years ago since I went!

Its been work work work, not sure about the new boss, I dont gel with her. I am finding it difficult at the moment, but I try and just get on with my job, sales are going well and im still a top girl in the area!

Hogs are happy, still no sign of Ruby but I like to think of her out there meeting a boy hog and making lots of baby hogs.

Ninny has practically moved in, I have tried to put her out, told her to go back to her owner but she keeps coming back..silly thing, plus I am allergic to her, not great when she chooses to sleep on my bed!

Phill, Sveta and Nata are fine, have not seen a lot of them this week as I have been trying to catch up with things here. Spoke to Phill earlier who mentioned this. I love being with them and they ask me every day, but I was finding I was getting behind on my chores so its been good to get some stuff done here.

Some times life throws up some surprises, this has been the case this week. I have been talking to a chap about (some of you will know what and I will blog it at some point) He has blown me away, instant connection which is rare and unnerving to a point. I am not sure what is going to happen, I have said what I would like and what I need, but of course its not that easy, this is my life remember...yeah he is married...However I would not break up a family, this is again a tough one..

Need shower, will try and update again very soon..