06 June 2008


Now it should be the one emotion that we all want in one form or another. Meant to be the best feeling to be loved and to feel love. We love our friends, our favourite song or food, or the man/woman we want to spend our life time with.

What happens in my reality though is I fall in love with the wrong ones, not bad ones all the time. In fact this one was completely the right one, I have never met some one that has been so in tune with me. Never met him I know, but the feelings were so real, the talk the laugh the sillyness, the teasing all real. As you know though he is married. I wanted to think really wanted to think that I could handle that.

I cant.

For some one that I have such strong feelings for (yeah I know it sounds mad) my soul mate (yeah I know), my one true love (if you dont believe that I do not care) the person I have been looking for all my life. How can I be with him when I would not want him to be else where.

Its when I lay down that it all comes crashing in. Where is he now, sharing a bed with some one else when he should be in mine. Of course I have no right at all to take him away. I strongly believe that if some one wants to leave their partner then it should be because they want to, not for some one else. I am the one that has the lonely bed, the being on my own and no number of texts or calls or chat could ever make up for that.

Knowing me like I kind of do, I will get and already am sulky over this. I will get demanding, demand more time, need and crave more time. Be with me be with me. The times he would be away with his family would kill me, why is it not me there with him. Why is it never fucking me??

Seriously is my life just one long piss take. Yep here is a great guy, one you connect with on all levels, but btw you cant and never will have him.

I have stopped this tonight, I can not bare the thought of my true love ending up hating and resenting me, which is what will happen, with all the will in the world that is what will happen.

I of course ask myself why I let myself get into this, plus why can I not take it at face value for what it is. Simple really ..

I just want some one that will love and only love me and be and only be with me..

Tears are rolling, but tomorrow is a new day, time to try and pick myself up again, gets harder each time now, especially as I know deep deep down in my heart there will never be a love like this was and could have been for me.

My life is a piss take and Im sick of it, this must be some cruel joke for me to fall like this, find the one and not be able to have.

I just can not keep doing this anymore.


Anonymous said...

Oh well, its pretty easy for a man to be oh-so-flashy when he's got nothing to offer. Why you pick up these assho__s is clear. You had a tough childhood with a dad who was not nice. Have you ever thought about adopting a child? or two? or three? Love available for the asking. Maybe even a handicapped child. You do have a great big heart.

Anna said...

Aw Nic, I'm really sorry.

Don't think it will make you feel any better, but I'm sure you will find someone one day who will only want you in his life. You deserve that.