He

is coming round....its ben hard but will blog more tomorrow....wish me luck eh...think I deserve it....?

time flies

Boy does it! Not sure where the last week went!

Well it has been mainly work, so many late nights, avoiding the horrible weather, Ruby has been hibernating so is still in the shed! Thanks for your comments, I would never show him the blog, its difficult to explain, but it was I guess for the best. I do think that everything happens for a reason and that we meet people in our life for a reason. Most people that I have had meaningful interaction with I could say what the reason was, yeah you could say that looking back I am just picking a scenario, true. With him though I am not sure, maybe it was to show me that I could feel wanted and desired for me. Crikey many times I was not wearing make up and in my scruffs!! Dont know, I am still a bit hurt, which I know it was only a short time, but there was a connection from the first moment I met him.

However I am trying to think positively about it and enjoy the stuff we did. It wasnt just me pushing away, it would have been hard for us to be together and if the time was different....

Phill and Sveta still have no news about the visa, he has been away nearly a month, he is bored and wants to get back to work, I think he will be back soon, even if they are turned down, I do hope they are not.

Oh well, best be off to bed, very tired....yawn....

its late

You know im not even sure if anyone reads this anymore, not that is important as such, as some times I need to just get some shite down. Not really sure why this helps, but in many ways it does. I know of many others that it helps by just typing their thoughts...weird how many of us cant say to close mates and the like how we feel. Yet on the Internet it does not matter, we can say anything we like as the odds of meeting people that read it are slim, although I have met a few.

Even the ones we meet we hide away what we are really thinking or feeling, yeah we put it on here, but we don't put the whole stuff do we? There is always some thing that we hold back, the personal part, the venerable part that can lead us to be hurt, we hide that, but why?

I have been hurt in relationships, family and friendships more times than I could ever even manage to write about. Im hurting now.

Why? Oh man I let some one in with out even knowing it, they snuck up on me, it does probably help they were the same star sign as me, I just understood where he came from and what he was saying. We laughed, we had fun, we talked, we hugged, we kissed we made love and it was the best I have ever had ever ever ever, man I cant even think how to describe the feeling that he gave me. Not just sex but a kiss on the back of the neck, a hand hold, brushing the hair from my face and boy could he kiss.

However we split up as I did the normal nicola thing, I pushed and pushed to find the boundaries and pushed him away. I have been thinking about it tonight, as to why I do this. I guess I want to get in first, so many times I have been rejected or told I am not good enough or a liar or a tease (long story) which I am not, I am just me a very fucked up kid that is looking for some one to love her, but love her in the way she is comfortable with.

The way she can control it, as in the person does not get too close. The way in which I act like a twat and test some ones weaknesses to the point they either come back or don't and most dont. I dont like doing it, but thats me. I dont want to get all "I blame my parents" etc, but I grew up with wanting love and getting love but not how I wanted, or needed and now its too late as I have cut them out my life, which in many ways has helped me as I am much more stable, but its still there. I just dont understand so much. Why my mum stopped with a man that would beat his children, why he never showed love to me, why they used to fall out, he would get so angry. It scares me now getting angry as I do not want to end up like him, I check myself.

Trust me its hard as I have such a temper inside of me, anyone would say that I am very laid back an patient, but some times I Boil inside, but I dare not let it out in case I end up like him, but even worse I do not want to end up like her, knowing her children are so un happy and knowing whats going on but not doing anything about it. I just cant get that out of my head and never will and that is why I take the pills!!! Block it all away.

Oh well I finish now, I am listening to Pink Floyd, does not get better than that...

Blimey

I am really getting rubbish at keeping this blog updated!!! Think as am out more and enjoying other stuff I dont always have time to blog, I normally check my emails, check the hog forum and then there is something else I need to do.

Well I still have my cold, seems to be lingering nicely! Work is fine I am doing a lot of training for new staff, tires me out but its ok..

Going to have to cut this short just had a call and some one is on their way round..............thats another blog..

Back to the drawing board

and that was that.....not going to go into too much detail, but men are weird and odd. One day one day one day

loverly day

Sun is out, birds are singing, real sense that spring is on its way! Im of course stuck inside doing book work..oh well has to be done! At Phills, checked the spawn all seems ok with them, still think that it might be a bit cold for them, but guess nature knows best!

I am going out for dinner tonight with a couple of friends, should not be too much of a late one as work tomorrow, no doubt we will goto the Italian, I will behave myself dont worry!

Jan, you better tell me about yours too.

ok

Have to share im happy!!! Never thought that an online dating site would find me anyone searched through the profiles and then got a message from some one that I can talk to, laugh with and its cool, really is cool........we have swapped numbers, yeah I know it could be too quick and all that. We are meeting up at the end of this month for dinner, am so excited, I of course will play it safe etc etc...but hey watch this space!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Need you

http://www.blythwildliferescue.co.uk/campaign1/

Please goto the above link and sign the petition for FREE vetenary treatment for all wildlife, also please put on your blogs too...thanks

hmm

Was going to talk about something else tonight, but have decided not too as well I dont really want too, yeah makes a lot of sense huh? Anyway, been one of them w/e's where you find your self evaluaing whats important in life, think I got kind of lost for a while. Back to the drawing board on a few things. I dont know, some times I think if I try and be more like this then that will happen and vice versa. I guess what it really is, is that Im not that keen on being me, whoever me is!

Anyway, saw my frog spawn today, there isnt that much of it, but all seems to be going well so far. Looking forward to lots of taddies, then some frogs..yay! Have had visits this w/e of a pair of Jays, they really are lovely birds, too quick and shy for the camera, but I might get them when they are coming for the monkey nuts. Dont know why but I always think of them as exotic birds, must be the colouring?

Oh some of you may notie that my typing as gone to pot, its not me its the laptop, you have to hit the keys so hard and Im not used to doing that, the spell checker thing on here also does not seem to work, think I have a pop up blocker some where, even tho I cancelled them on blogger...I dont know.

Well as we are set for snow, ruby will not be released yet...just thought do I have to do anything with the spawn if it snows? Now Im worried lol.. Christ I will have them tucked up in individual nurseryies soon.!

Oh well best be off and eat..