its late

You know im not even sure if anyone reads this anymore, not that is important as such, as some times I need to just get some shite down. Not really sure why this helps, but in many ways it does. I know of many others that it helps by just typing their thoughts...weird how many of us cant say to close mates and the like how we feel. Yet on the Internet it does not matter, we can say anything we like as the odds of meeting people that read it are slim, although I have met a few.

Even the ones we meet we hide away what we are really thinking or feeling, yeah we put it on here, but we don't put the whole stuff do we? There is always some thing that we hold back, the personal part, the venerable part that can lead us to be hurt, we hide that, but why?

I have been hurt in relationships, family and friendships more times than I could ever even manage to write about. Im hurting now.

Why? Oh man I let some one in with out even knowing it, they snuck up on me, it does probably help they were the same star sign as me, I just understood where he came from and what he was saying. We laughed, we had fun, we talked, we hugged, we kissed we made love and it was the best I have ever had ever ever ever, man I cant even think how to describe the feeling that he gave me. Not just sex but a kiss on the back of the neck, a hand hold, brushing the hair from my face and boy could he kiss.

However we split up as I did the normal nicola thing, I pushed and pushed to find the boundaries and pushed him away. I have been thinking about it tonight, as to why I do this. I guess I want to get in first, so many times I have been rejected or told I am not good enough or a liar or a tease (long story) which I am not, I am just me a very fucked up kid that is looking for some one to love her, but love her in the way she is comfortable with.

The way she can control it, as in the person does not get too close. The way in which I act like a twat and test some ones weaknesses to the point they either come back or don't and most dont. I dont like doing it, but thats me. I dont want to get all "I blame my parents" etc, but I grew up with wanting love and getting love but not how I wanted, or needed and now its too late as I have cut them out my life, which in many ways has helped me as I am much more stable, but its still there. I just dont understand so much. Why my mum stopped with a man that would beat his children, why he never showed love to me, why they used to fall out, he would get so angry. It scares me now getting angry as I do not want to end up like him, I check myself.

Trust me its hard as I have such a temper inside of me, anyone would say that I am very laid back an patient, but some times I Boil inside, but I dare not let it out in case I end up like him, but even worse I do not want to end up like her, knowing her children are so un happy and knowing whats going on but not doing anything about it. I just cant get that out of my head and never will and that is why I take the pills!!! Block it all away.

Oh well I finish now, I am listening to Pink Floyd, does not get better than that...