where to begin eh?

Why is there just not enough hours in the day anymore? I seem to be going at 100 mph and still need to speed up even more. Im tired though, feeling a bit old ha ha!

Ok here is the catch up......

After my not very sucessful dating experience I decided to not let it put me off. Had some friends around the other week and met a chap. He is more my type, Im atrracted to the dark and mysterious although he actually is a nice chap. He started texing me in the week and this carried on for a few days, he then came over one night. It was quite sweet as he wasnt after me for sex or anything like that, but was happy to talk and that. Saw him again that w/e, but for the past few days he has been ill in bed! I havnt heard from him today, so not sure whether thats a good thing or bad thing? We will have to see.

There has been several birthdays, leaving do's and general nights out to attend, its hit the old pocket a bit hard, staying in for a while now, well thats the plan, whether I stick to it is another matter!

Ruby is well happy in the shed she has made a beautiful nest and adds to it, she is still eating for england and I may weigh her this w/e, although im trying not to disturb her too much...the poo is still lovely too.

Gym ball is as ever tough and great, still thinking about getting to the gym, think it will be soon though as I really need to step up the amount I am doing.

Sorry I dont make it to chat, its just so hetic right now....but I often think of you and try and read your blogs so I know that you are ok.

Im coaching at work so that is taking up time too, will have to put some time in over the w/e as the persons assesment is on Monday.

Phill still away so im looking after te business and his personal stuff.

You see what I mean about time??

Ok I need to eat, if I dont fall asleep I will try and get on tonight, but my eyes are heavy.......

I will also update about whether I am still seeing said man, or have been chucked again!!!!

Sorry

Didnt want to upset anyone by my earlier post, just nice to get it off the chest now and then.......im fine honest! Im not at least the same place that I was before Christmas, much better than then, so please do not worry. I dont know why I feel like I do, just in me, always has always will I guess..

not a bad day

off work today yay!! got to have some blood tests then not sure what i will be up too, best run!

Doc Day!

Had my ad check up, he is the only person that I can really be honest with too, even on here I sometimes find it hard, guess as I know some of you and dont want you worrying. Anyway in light of my recent (just before christmas) episode of not wanting to wake up again, he has doubled my dosage to give me a break from my head, which is cool as I dont have to find other ways of doing it that I do not suggest anyone try!

It is good for me to just blurt it out knowing that in an hour he wont be thinking about it or worrying, at then end of the day its a job too him, he tries to fix people, as best he can, I am thankful though that he takes time to listen to me, tells me when I am being silly, then tries to find a solution, im on 150mg's for 3 months then see how it goes, there is talk of trying another ad but would rather not at this stage as the side affects will be not nice to say the least!

Some of you may not understand what its like when you try and stop the world from happening, seems selfish in many respects as some people who die or who are dying should get the opportunity of life and then there is me or people like me, who just some days do not want to wake up again, want it all just to float away. When the subject of suicide (hate that word) arises the main thing people say is how selfish the person is being or that they have taken the easy way out, leaving the gap for others to fill and sort out behind them.

In my opinion thats crap, you have to reach such a level of desperation to even contemplate it, the natural instinct of a human being is o survive, thats in us all and you have fight that instinct fervently just to even plan your way out. You of course think about the ones you would leave behind, you agonise even try and put things in place to make it easier once you arnt there. When you are at that point you have such a heightened sense of awareness and sensitivity you get to the point when you really do think that the people around you are better off with out you. You start to rationalise that with out you there it would be less of a burden, less of a worry, therefore justifying the whole thing.

Oh and if you think that it is the cowards way out, think again, you think what it would be like to get those pills or knife or rope or whatever and do it. To over come all the guilt and doubt and do it, then tell me how much courage you actually need.

Of course this is when you are right in the moment, when you want the whole world to stop, just stop for 5 minues so you can take a breather. You want your head to stop going on and on and on, beating yourself up for every small misdemeanor. Its not the easy choice to make, if like me you arnt even good at doing it, the day after brings its own crap to deal with too.

Still thats life when you are like me, you grab the positive moments and try and make them last as long as you most possible can almost to the point of being obsessive over them and not ever letting them go, squeezing the very life out of each one. Then hitting the lows and just hoping that you can get through another one. Yeah its pretty crap, but thats the way I live, just waiting for the next good thing to come along so I can smother it!

Lovely Sunday

Not! Good god I wish this rain would stop...anyway the date came to nothing, it was a good night, but think as I was doing all the talking that well maybe we just wasnt suited, ah well back to the drawing board as they say!

Here at phills again, but will definatly get my internet sorted this week, I will I will!!! Seems to always be something else to do at the moment, that my energy is being drained away, Im going to take some time out and concentrate on getting energy levels back up again!

Ruby is going to the shed today, I hope that she sleeps for a few months..I can then get my house back into some sort of order, thats this afternoon plan anyway!

Oh well best get on..

Problems

Yeah you guessed it the ole internet, keeps dropping and to be honest after I have tried it for a while I get so fed up that I just switch it off! I will ring bt when I am feeling calmer and have a year to spend on hold!

Anyway I am at phills right now, meant to be writing up a report for my rating to give to the ad on friday, but im finding it hard as im not used to being positive about me or my attributes. I got some work people to write comments about me and it has amazed me what they have written and how highly I am thought of. I will start on that in a bit as I can not be at this all day as...........


STOP PRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I HAVE A DATE TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yup thats right, I have a date!, its a friend of a friend, he is divorced has two teenage kids (dont live with him), good job own house etc... I will be honest its not my normal type as there seems to be nothing wrong with him, or he hasnt got an element of bad in him (women will understand this) but hey you dont know until you give it a try.

Not sure where we are going as yet, think a drink in town, I of course will play it cool and act coy etc, remember my lading training and all that.

I will try and give you a report either when I get home or tomorrow if the blinking internet is working.

Oh well best get this report done.....

monster!!

Yoo Hoo

Yup I am finally back, I still hate the laptop but I am trying to make it work! Ok too much to type about what has been happening, so bullet form is needed I think...

1. I am still single, didnt work out with man, too many issues bu we are still friends.

2. House is still wonderful and am loving it!

3. Spent Christmas and nye with phillip, had a nice time also went visiting others too.

4. Never got round to sending christmas cards, sorry....

5. Got myself into some hot water and bother which really upset me, but will say that later as its annoying still.

6. Been out with the camera but as of yet cant get the photo software o work o silly laptop.

7. Plan to take diferent directions with my photography this year and not just wildlife, have a few things in mind, but its the weather at the moment.

8. Phillips wife should be over by next month, god willing.

9. I made my usual resoloutions for the new year.

10. I am back on the fitness thing and have my own gym ball now for the house.

11. I am going to join the gym.

12. I will be slim for summer, ha ha.

13. Finaly I can use predicitive texting.

14. Alan is still in the box in the garden.

15. Ruby is now 950g's and will goto the shed this w/e as I think her cough is better after steam baths and menthol oils. Didnt want to keep pumping her with drugs so have been trying alternative methods, she is also a monster!

16. Got lots of birds in the garden, including male and female black cap. lovely thrush, who gets bullied by the millions of blackbirds I have.

17. Work is hetic and stressful, but they have changed our incentive again and this year I have a lot of money making potential, which will certainly help with the wildlife bills/!!

18. I am planning a holiday in spring, not sure as to where yet.

19. Still planning to see oc in summer (hope thats ok)

20. Love the fact that Jan is out and about and having fun!

21. Still trying to catch up with other blogs.

22. Going to phills for diner tonight.

23. Still looking for love....

Hmmm much easier to catch up that way, but I will expand on some issues as time goes on. All in all I am excited about 2008, have lots of plans, which should be great.

Well for now its time for Ruby to have a steam bath for her congestion, plus I am still trying to get my photos to load up......hope to get them on before I goto phillips.

Missed you...oh it wont let me check the spelling, so sorry

Spoke too soon

there is a fault on the line, now im getting stressed

Its like the trains

Im still delayed........hopefully should be back up and running tomorrow at the latest..........suprisingly im not stressed by this in the slightest!!!