21 January 2008

Doc Day!

Had my ad check up, he is the only person that I can really be honest with too, even on here I sometimes find it hard, guess as I know some of you and dont want you worrying. Anyway in light of my recent (just before christmas) episode of not wanting to wake up again, he has doubled my dosage to give me a break from my head, which is cool as I dont have to find other ways of doing it that I do not suggest anyone try!

It is good for me to just blurt it out knowing that in an hour he wont be thinking about it or worrying, at then end of the day its a job too him, he tries to fix people, as best he can, I am thankful though that he takes time to listen to me, tells me when I am being silly, then tries to find a solution, im on 150mg's for 3 months then see how it goes, there is talk of trying another ad but would rather not at this stage as the side affects will be not nice to say the least!

Some of you may not understand what its like when you try and stop the world from happening, seems selfish in many respects as some people who die or who are dying should get the opportunity of life and then there is me or people like me, who just some days do not want to wake up again, want it all just to float away. When the subject of suicide (hate that word) arises the main thing people say is how selfish the person is being or that they have taken the easy way out, leaving the gap for others to fill and sort out behind them.

In my opinion thats crap, you have to reach such a level of desperation to even contemplate it, the natural instinct of a human being is o survive, thats in us all and you have fight that instinct fervently just to even plan your way out. You of course think about the ones you would leave behind, you agonise even try and put things in place to make it easier once you arnt there. When you are at that point you have such a heightened sense of awareness and sensitivity you get to the point when you really do think that the people around you are better off with out you. You start to rationalise that with out you there it would be less of a burden, less of a worry, therefore justifying the whole thing.

Oh and if you think that it is the cowards way out, think again, you think what it would be like to get those pills or knife or rope or whatever and do it. To over come all the guilt and doubt and do it, then tell me how much courage you actually need.

Of course this is when you are right in the moment, when you want the whole world to stop, just stop for 5 minues so you can take a breather. You want your head to stop going on and on and on, beating yourself up for every small misdemeanor. Its not the easy choice to make, if like me you arnt even good at doing it, the day after brings its own crap to deal with too.

Still thats life when you are like me, you grab the positive moments and try and make them last as long as you most possible can almost to the point of being obsessive over them and not ever letting them go, squeezing the very life out of each one. Then hitting the lows and just hoping that you can get through another one. Yeah its pretty crap, but thats the way I live, just waiting for the next good thing to come along so I can smother it!


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you feel that way. You seem like a very kindly person, bright and loving. I dont understand the bad feelings that make you want to die. Is it lack of energy to do all you feel you need to do? Do you feel you have let people down? Is it something else? You always are out and about and it seems that people like you. Phill seems to keep you around. Why is it you want to die? Some people just hang on forever. I think Susan Sontag was like that. I saw an exhibit of Henry Mancini, 19th century Italian painter, recently and was struck by a quote from him. I cant remember the exact wording but the gist of it was -- I know we all must get old and die, but how sorrowful to have to give up painting.

oldcrow61 said...

I can't imagine what you are going through. I've been shook up and worried since reading your blog two days ago. I wish I could think of some words of wisdom, but alas, I can't. Hope you start feeling better soon. You are a beautiful person, hugs, hugs and more hugs.

Janine said...

Living with depression is a constant battle, some days you prevail, other days it gets on top of you. You may think you are losing but you are still here and still fighting and that means you are strong and you can beat it. It will always be there but what matters is that you have beaten it before and you will beat it again. Never feel guilty about feeling bad. Everyone has bad days, you are doing the right things keeping busy and getting out and meeting people and joining activities. Living life to the fullest is the best medicine. I know this all sounds so hackneyed but it is true. You have been doing so well. We all believe in you and wish you strength and happiness.

Anna said...

I know what you mean about wanting the world to stop for a minute. That's exactly how I felt when I was at my worst.

I just wanted to sleep and not dream so I wouldn't have to think or feel anything.

And as for ending it, I wasn't concerned about upsetting everyone. I genuinely believed that everyone would be better off without me. I'd have been doing them a favour - no cowardice involved there.

That said, I think there's a big difference between not wanting to live, and wanting to kill yourself. Hopefully it's a line you'll never cross.

Anna said...

Bloody Blogger lost my comment, which I spent ages writing!!

I'll try again later when I'm less pissed off at it (and can remember what I wrote!)

Just know we're all here for you Nic. *hugs*