I need to moan

Warning this maybe a long and rambling post....

To be fair there isnt much that really gets me, im pretty laid back most of the time, yeah I get stressed at points, work can do it too me, well to be fair its more the politics that got me at the last place, now I can just go in and get on with stuff. Which is weird in itself, Im used to being left to get on with it, trusted with my judgement, now I have to report in, I some times feel like im being questioned I guess that is as im working for a new boss, that has been working with a lot of new people so doesnt as yet know that I do know stuff. Im trying not to let it get on me too much, but will probably bring it up with him. Although I do think he is starting to learn a little about me and more importantly how to handle me. I can at times be difficult, stubborn as hell really, but I know my stuff and can do my job...

The new place though is cool, its soooooogood working with blokes again, they piss about, take the piss but it isnt bitchy, there is no malice at all, just good ole fashioned banter, which is such a nice change, I dont have to be serious and concerned all the time...yay.

Im off tomorrow, meeting a Friend for lunch, think the weather is going to be crap, so my planned day of taking photos might go out the window, we will have to see. It will give me time to try and get the bloody album thing sorted at least I hope I can do that. My motivation levels have been weird of late, if it involves exercise im fine, im there, but owt else and I struggle. Hence why I havent been about of late, since getting the pc back, I dunno just cant seem to face it, dunno why, its not a reflection on the rest of you its just how im feeling. Im meant to be having another AD check up soon, I wonder if its all in my head, I dont want to come off them, therefore I make myself feel like shite so I can tell doctor that im still bad. Then to be fair I still get the days when I struggle like hell just to get up, in fact sunday I stayed in bed all day, then when I did get up I laid on the sofa and fell asleep! Its not that im lazy, but sometimes its so much easier when I am asleep, my head switches off, I dont think, its great. Unless you actually experience a head that never switches off you wont understand, im not being up my own arse at all, but try continually thinking about everything and anything 24/7 and you will know what I mean.

Yeah you could say what do I really have to worry about, im not ill or owt like that. However its my opinion that it can be worse when there is nothing wrong or anything actually to worry about. If there was then you can either try to fix it or live with it. But when there is nothing to put your finger on, nothing you can say oh thats why I feel like shite, it kind of make it worse. Im sorry if you disagree with this, I know some of you who read this are and know of people that have "real" problems as do I, but this is meant to be how im feeling so im only going to quantify as if you have never felt like I do then you wont understand.

Its also the continual questions that go round and round, whys what ifs, what fors. When I was younger stuff was pretty hard at times. There was times when I used to ask God to do me a favour. I can remember once asking him if he could make it so that we didnt have swimming, I cant remember why now, but I didnt want it to happen. Next day swimming was cancelled, now I know that you could say that it would have been cancelled anyway, it doesnt mean that it was an act of god, but its not the only time that I have asked for something and its happened. As ive got older its more become bargaining, oh if only that would happen then I would do this or that. Now I feel like im out of favours with nothing left to bargain with. I often think of what it could be that i have done either now or in a past life that I have to live with myself like this. Its the pure hate that I feel too, hate for me really, its odd and I know some of you will understand this and some wont. After all why should I hate myself? Or am I just fishing for an ego boost? I dont think I am, at least I hope im not, as thats no me. I hate any sympathy unless im looking for it, banged elbow or hit head or feeling poorly, but then I tend to ask for it.

I know the mind is a very complex thing, has to be really to work the rest of your body, but I just wish that I knew where the off switch was sometimes. I think it also has something to do with the type of person you are, cant quite remember what it is, but some people are more receptive to their inner being and to the world around them, im sure anna could tell me what it is, or if I remember by the time ive dont this I will say. I done a few psychological tests over the years and one of them said I was this way, its bugging me now I dont know the name of it, might have to google in a bit!

However the main thing that I guess I feel the most is remote, which is bizarre considering that I work with people all day long and have a lot of interaction. But I feel cut off, different as though Im talking another language that no-one else understands. Or could it be thats what I tell myself to think as I dont want to feel like I belong. You see why I get so confused! Then at nights, when its quiet and still I can hear my head even more, dont think im proper mentally unstable as such, you know hearing voices in your head, they dont tell me to do owt that I should be worried about, well not to others anyway. But its the questions that drive me mad, I often think that maybe I should talk to the doctor about that, but then I worry in case he thinks im mental..fuck I have a problem and im worried about what my doctor would think of me, guess there is a part of me thats still normal, actually thats the part of me that was programmed at an early age to never tell anyone how you feel or of you have any problems, best all kept in that is..

I dunno, just sometimes I wish it would all just stop, like you see in movies, everything stops.

Guess I best try and end this on a happier note, im ok really I am, I get like this now and then, just read over the blog there might be a pattern im missing. Anyway hogs are outside huffing away so thats good. Really its all good in a way, but I just cant seem to be happy, there is something missing and plenty of reminders.

Oh well, best get ready for my fourth night of staring at the ceiling trying to get my head to shut up...............................................