its no good

I cant keep fooling myself or anyone else, past two weeks ive felt myself go down again, kept thinking if I dont admit it then it wont happen. Im so annoyed with myself, so very fucking annoyed. Excuse me while I go and break for a while

lets have some more music

and one I could listen to over and over and over again



or you might prefer this version, this one doesnt quite do it for me as the first one does

Gardening w/e part 2

After the worse nights sleep in the history of sleeping: the night sweats back in full force the dreams turning into the most sickest of night mares, so much so I wouldn’t even blog them they were so sick and disgusting and horrifying. Too say that getting up was a chore this morning would be an understatement. Eventually I dragged my arse out of bed, to see the weather once again dreary and very much un-inviting.

Its not very often that I miss not having any transport, but today I wished that I could get in a car, only as I wanted to go to the garden centre, there is one about 2 miles walk and one about 5 miles walk. Feeling a bit on the crap side, I chose the 2 mile walk, not as good as the other but should get everything I want. It was a nice walk up there, but it’s on a busy road so the bird song is some what masked by the other cars. As usual I was disappointed with the selection, but still managed to pack myself up with enough backs that cut into my fingers.

Dropped into Sainsbury’s on the way back, hell, hell, hell. Luckily I only had to get a few bits, and then I could be off home again.

Well there is another strip of garden to the side of my house that has now been planted with strawberries, a blueberry bush and a gooseberry bush. I did want raspberry and blackberry too, but just couldn’t carry them all so will go back next weekend for them.

Cleaned the bird table, put some nice fresh food down, was out with the camera, but too be honest the weather is so miserable the light non-existent; it is making me feel slightly depressed. Hate days like these, if only the sun could break through the clouds even if only for an hour or so, I am sure it would lift me.

Ah well, I’ve got plenty of other stuff to be doing, some business work, not a great deal, but some I can do. Guess could do the house work, but think I will leave that for in the week.

Next week, my boss is on holiday, feeling a bit anxcious about it, not as she is away and I think I cant cope, but it’s a week that I don’t get as much support and it can be at times quite lonely. Seeing the quack on Wednesday, check up on how the ad’s are going. They seem to be working just fine, I know that sometimes I am going to feel down, but I just have to learn to deal with that. Also I know that some situations where its not going as I want it too, can get on top of me, but again I just have to get on with things.

My new veg patch..

Well this morning when I awoke I was feeling pretty rough still, very tired, headache etc..The weather was looking dire, but knew I didn’t want to be cooped up indoors all day. Had some breakfast then made a start on the veg patch. This is how it looked at the beginning.



First job, to clear the old buddleia stalks and remove the grass from the top layer of where I wanted the veg patch to be. I soon had to remove a layer of clothing as it wasn’t that cold that I needed a t-shirt, fleece and jumper! It was quite easy to do as it’s mostly moss at this end of the garden and plus all the rain we have had lately means it was very easy to dig into. I did try and save as many worms as possible but I can’t guarantee that none were hurt during the making of this vegetable patch. Progress photo:





Next job was to mix in some compost, the soil is ok I think, but the extra goodness will help Im sure, could only carry home one bag, but I am sure it will be ok. Starting to take shape now.



Ok the next thing to figure out is the edging, now yes I could have gone down and bought some nice edging would have been easier and probably nicer, but well that’s not me is it. So the idea was to get the bamboo poles that I bought years ago, cut them down the make my own fence. Where is the saw, cant find the saw, ring phill “Where is the saw”, “ why do you want the saw”, “ to cut things with”, “your saw is under the wardrobe”, “ok thanks”, “just before you go, how many fingers do you have?”, “erm 8”, “ok I will call you later and see how many you have then”. Funny sod. Found the saw, got the poles, oh crap I forgot it’s the saw that only saws backwards, why do they make them like that?? Try various ways to cut them, but not much luck, hang on where is all that blood coming from??? OH it’s only a small scratch, carrying on got 4 cut; this is a bit like hard work..EEK more blood, serious this time, ok time to think of a new strategy.

What if I got the poles grouped them together then made a little wall type thing that way. Genius! Ok not enough poles. However I still have all the cut buddleia, so I strip the branches to make poles, wrap them together with tie wraps (I love tie wraps) make an edging!! Here is a progress photo.





A tie wrap here, a tie wrap there, here a tie wrap, there a tie wrap every where a tie wrap.



All that’s left to do now is trim the tie wraps, to make it look a bit neater.



Now the planting……well can plant some stuff now, then the rest in April, so I make some furrows in the earth, then get the seeds out, I really tried to get them as even as I could. However the parsnips did escape and mingle with the leeks, you never know I might create some new type of vegetable!!! The sticks make great label holders so I know what is planted where. The finished vegetable patch!





Just a little tidying up to do round the hog box now, plus get the muck out from under my nails, but I aint half impressed with myself. I have overcome many difficulties and even though im proper illlllllll, my veggie patch is well on the way…BIG GRIN!

some music to enter the w/e

what ever you are doing, make it good

im proper ill

Not just pretend, but proper ill. My neck hurts, my glands are swollen, can’t hear anything as my ears are all full of air. Top it off my sinus are blocked, head banging and I am soooooooooo knackered. I need some one to look after me, im illlllllllll.

I cant bare anything to touch my skin either, plus im feeling so aggitated and annoyed, think im going to goto bed for a while see if that helps.

it was like the film

As I stepped into the shower this morning, there was already some one there, brandishing not one knife but 8 knives; I could here the music in the background...eeeee eeeeee eeeeeee eeeeeee eeeeeee eeeeeeee. He came closer to the water stream closer to me, would have ended up on me..nooooooooooooooooooooooooo I shouted. With the aid of my facial wash I managed to move him safely onto the window sill...phew

murky day

I really dislike miserable days like this, I would much rather it be cold and bright than mild and murky. Anyway, Ive decided to treat myself to a willow, going to go and buy it tonight, havnt really treated myself for ages (ok there was the camera but I dont see that really as a treat as such).

Possibly some bulbs too just to put in the front bed as it looks a bit bare, the spring colour would be nice too. Suppose I could get some summer bulbs too, that way some colour all year round, might have to take a walk up to the garden centre at the w/e as they have a bigger selection. Really excited about the veg patch though, feel like a mini farmer :) Wonder if I will need to make a mini scarecrow ?

it went like this..

As I normally do every morning, I wash my teeth whilst looking out the back window onto the garden. It’s nice to watch the comings and goings of the birds. I now have 5 dunnocks in the garden, all fluttering about. This morning I was treated to the wren actually coming down and feeding from the table, and then he was scampering about under the ivy. Next thing I know, Mr Blackbird came hurtling through the garden screeching "Every one hide, everyone hide", (yes I can speak blackbird). Anyway, normally he is always the bird that cries wolf, ive often gone running out the garden when I have heard him shrill, to only find he was complaining about a leaf being in the wrong place!

This morning though he had good reason as the next thing I saw was a sparrow hawk do a fly pass and land in the tree just behind my garden. Phew I thought. The wren that had good sense to get in the ivy was then chirping up (not sure what he was saying haven’t mastered the art of wren language as yet) so I told him to carp it unless he wanted to be the sparrow hawks next meal.

Well the sprawk was in the tree obviously looking for breakfast, got my bins so I could take a closer look, he was just sat there searching, such magnificent birds, but the garden was cleared, nothing about at all. Next thing I know a crow flew across and landed in the same tree above the sprawk and started calling. Now the sprawk just looked up as if to say, you don’t scare me mate. However when more and more crows started to land in the same tree (I kid you not I counted at least 25) he thought better and hot winged it. The crows were going mental, such a noise.

The weather was quite sunny when I came home at lunch, hooray I thought; get some decent photos in as the light is much better. The garden was very quiet, which was because the sprawk was still about, flying over head. The birds that were in the holly tree, kept peaking out behind the leaves, not sure as to whether to risk it or not. Actually I saw a great tit nudge a blue tit off the branch to make him go first poor thing. But not birds were taken. I guess the crows at this point had gone off to work on the fields; I love to see them all fly back together in the evening after a hard day at work.

So unfortunately this meant that there were no birds willing to be out on the table to have their photos taken :( Ah well ive just tried some shots of the moon tonight, so will see what they look like. Ive also been down to b&q and bought some seeds: carrots, cauliflower, broccoli, leaks, parsnips and cucumber. Im really excited about growing all this...I know I lead a sad little life that a carrot feels me with joy!!

Plan of works..

Well as I keep adding to the list of things that I want to do, id best make a start this w/e, as the weather is meant to be crap, im going to start on the veg garden. My initial plan was to grow in pots, but thats now changed, im going to dig out another bit along the border near to the hog houses, not sure whether a strip or a square as yet, that way I can plant straight into the ground. Should be finished quite smartish at work tonight so might take a wander down to b&q to get some seeds etc. Ive decided to grow runner beans, cauliflower and broccoli. As ive said before I dont mind if the bugs get them as they have to eat too, I just hope I dont get all protective over them!

Then once that is done I will make a start on the hog box cam, it will be a b&w one, as I dont think they would like the light of a colour one. Still unsure as to whether to put it just in the entrance or more in the box. Figure I still have a month or so to sort this out before they are back, now I have said that......

Got my bonus and payrise confirmed yesterday..YAY The extra money I will be getting as month, will quite nicely pay for hog food once they are back. I am a helper on a hog forum, one member said my feeding station was like the Ivy...tickled me, wonder if they sell hog napkins??

damn it

Every year its the same, I forget phills b'day which is today, he even reminded me when he was home last, at least last year I was able to get away with it by pretending it was a surprise. This year I have used the excuse that as he is away I was waiting for him to come home then I was going to celebrate his b'day then. I wouldn't mind but he told me not to worry my pretty little head about it, which I reminded him last night, but he told me that as my head wasnt pretty I should have worried. Another thing is, he has always told me that he doesnt "do" b'days, but every year I do, I enjoy watching his little face light up as he opens his presents, well he opens them, then asks whats for dinner....

We had a good chat last night about his options now, whether he is going to go to nigeria or carry on with the business. If he doesnt go to nieria it could mean that he could get his g/f over sooner, rather than wait another year. Also there is the option of expanding the business more. People still find it odd that my ex is my best mate, plus the fact that we share a home together, I normally get the comments..oh you must me still in love with him, they dont seem to understand that although yes I love him, im not in love with him, thats the difference.

Well this morning, the wren is in full singing voice..lovely, I often get him and the robin mixed up. Why is though whenever you dont have your camera they will sit on the fence not a foot away from you and will pose like something out of london fashion week, yet as soon as you do have a camera they are no where to be seen?

Talking of models there has been a lot of programmes on of late about the zero sized models with a 23 inch waist, man thats tiny. Of course no one would take responsibility, but designers were saying that they like their clothes to look good and they should move on the body...erm make them bigger? Also there has been programmes about growing anorexia, mainly teens. I can relate to this, as when you are growing up and you are female there is a huge pressure on you to conform to which you are told is the norm, which is thin. I did go through a spell in my teens of wanting to be thin, found the easiest way to eat then purge. Really not nice, but it did do the desired affect, so I can understand why many do just the same. However, its not healthy and even though yes you will be thin,you will look and feel like crap, plus the fact that you could die isnt really attractive.

I do think that clothes designers and makers have a responsibility to promote a much healthier image. Madrid banned the size 0 models, where as london fashion week didnt, but when you speak to most chaps about it, they would rather a woman have curves, more meat on the bones, something to hold onto. I dont think that these women look sexy at all, nothing worse than seeing bones stick out, I appreciate that some women are naturally thin, but when you see them walking down the catwalk and you can see near on every part of their backbone sticking out...it would not encourage me to buy the clothes at all. Its about time more average sized women were used, promoting good eating and healthy lifestyles.

Another monday

Well, we might be meeting our new area director today, we have been moved again, so we are now in not just a different area, but a new region too! Only 7 months since the last change, ah well. It shouldnt (I hope) make any difference to me, I will just keep going in and doing my job. It was tough last week as we were very very short, but we got through it. I just have this nagging feeling though that I may get moved, I really hope not as I enjoy being able to come home for lunch, plus the 3 minute walk to work is nice. Hmmm I might ask him if he does come round today.

Spoke to phill and asked him to make me a controller device so hopefully I will be able to have a hog box cam. I have 2 board cams in the house, so I have asked him next time he is back to wire one of them up, it will be b&w, as I have some ir lamps too. I might actually give it a go myself, there is this electronics website that he used to look at, it teaches you how to wire stuff up, I am sure that I could follow it. Might have a look tonight, whats the worse that could happen !?!?!?

No signs of hogs as yet, still very early for me, but I thought maybe with the milder weather it might wake them early, still they have nice clean boxes when they do. Just need to get the position of the cam better. Havnt started on my veg garden as yet, as the w/e was a funny one, well mainly due to the sleeping part I ran out of time, so that will be on the cards next w/e. I am also thinking about going up to rutland water, its only 1hr30 on the train, I used to live up there so know how to get there. Never went whilst I lived there, but then I was only there for a short while. Just waiting for a day that has some good weather forecast and I will be off!

Also this week I am going to start looking for a macro lens, not sure at all which to get, so if anyone has any suggestions that would be brill. Then thats it for camera buying gear, for a while. part from probably more memory cards and maybe another spare battery. Now my bonus is being paid more regularly, plus I really do dictate to how much I get, the lens and stuff will soon all be paid for. I know also that I have told some of you the story behind the camera, Im not going to mention it here, but needless to say I am still feeling a bit funny about it, but as phill says its down to him not me. Oh for those of you that know what has happened please do not comment about it on here, I know complete paranoia, but well please dont :)

Sick of

banging my head against a brick wall, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

Busy day

After I got the business stuff done, well enough that I had to. Trip to b&q to get some more tacks, then to pets at home to get a bale of straw, tub of fat pellets, sunflower hearts and a bag of nuts, this was after going to waitrose to get something for brunch. As you can imagine I was packed up like a carthorse, still got home ok. Ive done the minor repairs on the hog box roof, cleaned them out and added nice fresh straw. I was thinking about moving the feeding station again this year, but too be honest it is probably in the best place. I am still thinking about putting a cam in the box, but not so sure how I will then get the cam to the pc, so might have to wait for phill to come back so he can make something that will work. I have such faith in his electronic capabilities. In fact I might phone him later and ask him to design something for me.

Got a few jobs done in the garden, not a great deal to do. Tidied up the shed a bit. Little bit of housework done. Now think I will sort out the archives of photos that I have. Too be honest I am desperatly trying to stay awake, I am sooooo sleepy I could lay down and that will be it. Its not a nice day so a walk is out the question. Guess I will have to just keep trying to fight it.

well

I ended up going to bed yesterday with a migrane, the only place that can help one. I woke up at 9, had dinner from the chinese, which I had to fetch, saw three men peeing in the street...why do you do that? Had dinner then went back to bed.

Got up at about 7 this morning, so I could get the business stuff out the way, now im off to b&q to get some roofing tacks, then think I might go for a walk up on the fields, or might have a stint in the shed...who knows!!

ID help

Think I know but would like confirmation and I know the photos arnt great, but hey ho...

Why is it..

That train stations attract weirdos? Got up this morning, didn't really feel like going out, but thought would be good to get some air, hey the jobs in the house and garden can wait another day. Decided to go back to Arlesey and find the other walks I couldn't find the last time I went. At the train station there was this lad of about 20's moon walking up and down the platform! He seemed to be chatting to anyone and everyone, until they shuffled away from him. He started to talk to me, now normally I am a social type and will have a little natter with strangers, but he was just weird, so he got a firm NO from the question he asked and I gave him one of my "fuck off" looks.

Well got to Arlesey and tried to find the Kingfisher walk, now im not bad at directions(im not pete) but bugger me, could I find which way I was meant to go, could I hell. I had to cross the carriageway too...scared the hell out of me! But the sun was shining, heard more birds than I actually saw, but got some photos. Well the walk took me round and round, at one point I thought I maybe a trifle lost, so decided to climb up this big mound so I could survey the area and find my way back. BIG BIG mistake, as the other side was much steeper, wet, muddy, slippery. Yeah you guessed it I did a "pete" and slid all down the other side on my arse. Of course the only thing I was trying to protect was the camera, which remained unscathed. Pity my arse didn't. So now I have a wet, muddy and painful behind, but it was worth it as the other side was a pond with the most beautiful swans in.

After a few more photos, carried on, took a photo of a bird I will probably need the ID for, as I couldn't tell what it was, not sure the photo will help much though. Anyway I must have taken a wrong turn as I ended back up to where I had began. Damn it. I sat on a bench and finished my lunch, which was cool as a wren was sat not far away from me at all. There was also the usual birds, blue tits, great tits, ltt's, blackbirds, robins, chaffinches, crows, pigeons, possible kestrel (but who forgot to pack the bins ?), dunnocks. I even saw a red admiral! Not a great list I know, but the walk is nice, Im sure if I had taken the right turn I would have seen more as it was by lakes, but I missed that bit.

I was going to do another walk, but the excruciating pain in my head was starting to niggle, plus my feet were wet. I headed back to the train station to be faced with another weirdo! He was drunk as a skunk, old boy, shame really, but he was shouting and trying to talk to everyone. Two young girls bless them, didn't have the right change to get a ticket, so I put it on my card for them. This bloke was then saying stuff to them, they were a bit scared as he was getting a bit obscene. They came and stood with me and I was talking to them for a bit, just told them to ignore him and he wouldn't do anything. I did wonder about telling him to carp it, but thought that would make him worse. I may mention it to my police man friend though as he really should be moved on, especially if he is talking crudely to people.

Well now I am home, will look at the photos Ive taken and put them on the other blog. My head is still banging but hopefully with the painkillers Ive thrown down my neck should start to ease. Then I am going to get some business stuff out the way, tomorrow will then be free to get the jobs in the garden and house done. I want to clean out the hog boxes again, put some fresh straw in, also one part of the roof needs repairing too. Hope it doesn't rain tomorrow..

Get me!!!

oooo another card in the post today, got cute bears on, was sent from Ireland, now who do I know over there......?

One small moan I have...chilblains, my feet are nipping with the pain of them, havnt had them for years and years, but OMG they bloody hurt, all over my poor toes. Not so sure I will be out and about tomorrow, might do some jobs here instead, but will decide in the morning, but if feet are nagging like they are now..........

I am loved!!!

and the message was....

i love u nic! when i think of u, u are like the shining sun in the day,
the
gleaming moon in the night. u keep my heart warm, and i hope the heat
never
dies out!
Marky
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War!

After all the love yesterday there is nothing but war in the garden this morning. No bird is safe from each other. The tits are worse they are chasing everyone off. Wouldnt mind but there is plenty to go around. The pigeons have eaten all the cat biscuits put out for any hogs that might be awake...tut! Too early here, last year was 1 April so another month at least, unless the weather warms up, which by this mornings efforts brrrgggghhhhhhhh.

Day of Lurrrrrve

Well Ive dusted off the vases, cleared the pathway to my door for the poor postman who has to deliever all the cards to my door, im ready!

Actually Ive been telling all my male customers to got waitrose just before they close tonight as they knock down the price of their roses significnatly! Oh and asdas are selling a dozen roses for £4. There really is no excuse chaps! If you havnt done as yet, get a card and send it to some one you fancy. Me ive sent 3 this year ;)

Penny pinching

Again! I know I have said before that the way I shop is crazy, due to not having a freezer etc etc, plus I like to cook fresh food each day, rather than freezer PING! However I found an even better way to do it. Struck me as I was stripping the chicken carcass from Sunday for the birds. Tonight instead of buying 2 pork chops (two meals), I have bought a joint for 50p more, which will do me lunch and dinner for at least 4 days! Suppose I could think about stopping smoking, hmmmm, ok Ive thought about it...HEY thats a start..

Think I will also look into more growing my own veg, it cant be that hard. Think the worse bit will be lugging home bags of dirt from b&q to fill up some planters. Think I will start small on this project. Im not even that bothered if they get attacked by bugs as its all natural food for something else. Think I will just get one planter, thats then one bag of soil to drag home, now just need to decide what to grow. Ah but thinking about it I could also grow some runner beans in the wildlife bed as they could grow up the fence. Im quite looking forward to it, just need to look into growing vegetables now, best time to plant etc etc.

Wonder if I could fit a cow in the garden ???

like a pancake

Thats how I feel, ive been sat here for about 15 mins trying to think of a word to describe the way I feel. I got some good news about bonus today, fantastic but I feel flat. The other news we are changing areas again, but to be honest it wont or shouldnt affect me that much, not noticeably anyway. So why do I feel flat? Of course now I am searching for a reason for said flatness, maybe I shouldnt do that, maybe just accept some days I will still feel flat regardless of the pills. Guess just some days I will sit here with tears rolling down my face for no apparent reason. Then I start to worry that Im going backwards, then it all gets jumbled then Im even more confused than I am normally.

Anyway, best go wipe my eyes and blow my nose and try, really try to stop thinking.

You are right

I had a comment on my photo blog, from anon, which said that the photos I took yesterday were the best Ive taken so far. I had a look back over the past couple of months and they were. Not a great day light wise yesterday, but I am thinking more before I press the button, in fact I miss a lot as I am waiting for them to perch in a certain area etc. Just need to get some better perches sorted out and I think they will look better. Still am impressed with myself for the progress so far, although I still have a long way to go. I just cant wait for the nights to get a wee bit longer so I can start taking photos after work up on the fields again. Hope for more flutters and bees, not wasps though as they liked to chase me last year!

Well its monday and I have to be in work early this morning. Should today find out bonus, plus some other stuff that may or may not be good, will have to see on that one. Talking of work, I have nearly secured a second part-time job doing some book work, should find out more soon, but when I was talking to phill about it last night it is more work than I had anticipated, but I do have the beauty of setting it up to how I want it to be, so should be ok. Too be honest, I dont need need the extra cash for general living, but it will come in handy for my other plans...

Typical

I woke up having already decided that I wouldnt go out today, had some stuff to do in the house and it turns out a really nice day! Oh well, got some more camera practise in so not all bad.

Phill is away tomorrow morning, hope he takes the other chocolate bar with him. He hasnt looked at the phone so will have to make some time to investigate that next week. Ive done his invoicing, just got to fix his laptop (again)then he will be a happy bunny. Might try and get him to at least look at the phone, before I have to phone bt (oh joy).

Nice roast dinner to look forward to tonight, mmmm roast pots, love roast pots. Then its soon monday and back to work again. Should find out some stuff on monday though, including bonus, some other stuff might or might not be good, we will just have to wait and see. Best do some boxing then I can put the photos on the other blog, then settle with a nice cup of tea, might be a good movie I can snooze (I mean watch) to....