Cold Sunday

Have had some more fun today with the new camera, spent most of the day outside, sod the housework! Actually Id best try and get caught up on a few things here!

Again, your thoughts are most appreciated

Heck its cold!

New Camera

Well as expected most of the day was playing about with new camera, I have to say Im even more chuffed to bits, its so much easier to use than the old camera, quicker and easier to focus, shutter is quicker and a pleasure to use. Im so glad I upgraded. Now I know the following photos arnt great, but I am still getting used to the new camera to be fair! Now just need to work on the second part of the plan, to build a new bird table and cut out a whole in the shed door so I can get even closer.

Any thoughts on the photos are appreciated! If you click on them you will get to see them bigger

New Camera!

Got it!

Phoned them this morning, they said the d80, had one in stock, so sent phill to go and get it, was on 12 months intrest free!!! Came with a lens, but bought a half price lens too, 70-300 mm with macro for £99! So its home, Im home and its out the box, Im chuffed to bits, really really chuffed! Cant wait for tomorrow now, Ive taken some shots inside and its better than the old camera, which I will now try to sell on, so I can put towards this one!

Sorry for short post, but first time in ages im happy, im excited and looking forward to tomorrow!

Camera

I have had some good advice I will try and ring them Jessops tomorrow and tell them what I want the camera for and see what they recommend, then If I can brave the shops on a saturday I will go down and have a feel of them. Im still thinking the d80, with respect to needing a large zoom, I am within about 6ft max of the bird table as it is now. Plus I am thinking about arranging that in a different position to make it more natural, so I wouldnt need a huge zoom, the other interests I have of insects and flutters, again I get close to them so wouldnt need such a zoom.. to be honest I would be happy at that to start off with, if I find that later on I need something else then I can always save up the pennies, or wait until bonus time again. If I goto reserves again, its fairly close that Im taking photos. Even ones in the tree, I will sit under the shed eaves so they cant see me, the neighbours think Im mad! Then Im very still and just wait, so maybe the zoom wouldnt be an issue, as I can get rather close to them..... Still it has got me thinking again! I just think I have got all I can out of the present camera, the noise issue I find hugely frustrating to say the least and I have tried to composate this but with out a great deal of success.

I will ring jessops and ask them, then take it from there

Photos again

Well Im back in thinking about new cameras, Im trying to just focus on this for now, gives me something to think about other than all the other stuff that goes round and round and round. Ive nearly chosen but Im still toying with either the nikon d70 or d80. But then its the choice of lenses thats when I get stuck, supose I could get a magazine and read up on them, but that sounds to straight forward to me! If anyone has any ideas please feel free to leave any suggestions.

Shut down

Firstly thanks for your comments, not warranted but its nice to know you all care. Im now in shut down mode, shuting myself off to everyone really. Its just what I do. Im not able to do chatting, not able to even talk about the weather. When things get bad I close off, go into myself and will not let anyone help me. The more reasonable part of me knows that this isnt the way to deal with things, but hey after 31 years of doing that, its hard to change now. Think its harder as all day long I have to be the happy postive chatty type, when I get home Im so tired that I just dont feel like talking to anyone.

Maybe its just a break I need, feel sorry for Birgit having me for a few days, Im hardly chatty right now, but who knows maybe the sea air will do me some good. I just cant get my head round this, I really cant. I know the past is the past and to be honest it doesnt really affect me that much now, of course I would rather do with out it, but its more the future that scares me now. Scared that this is how I will feel forever and ever. Scared that im just not getting better, well some days are better than others, but still coming home and just sitting and crying. I refuse to get a higher doesage though as I dont want to end up like a zombie, or sat in a chair rocking and humming to myself. Not quite ready for that as yet.

So If I have or do shut you out im sorry, but thats just what I do, if im allowed to do it.

Wont be long

As Birgit kindly reminded me today it isnt long now until Christmas. Ive still not even thought about it, still havnt bought any cards, no presents, I just cant face it. Another year and Im on my own, not in the literal sense after all I will be in Brighton sampling Birgits culinary delights! Yes she can cook more than a cup-a-soup, but I will treat her to the best Christmas dinner ever! If there is one thing I can do its cook!

So what does it all really mean, we rush about like loons, in hot stuffy shops buying crap for one another that they dont really want or need, write out countless cards, until your hand gets cramp, to receive always one that you havnt written one out for, then theres that awkward part where you feign a search of the cards you still have, grinning, saying through your best smile, oh I must have left yours at home. Come on we all know it means you forgot them!

Never did I ever think that I would get to the age im at now and still be single, I can remember when I was 15 I had a plan of what was going to happen, never was this in the plan. Sometimes life tricks you, you think you find some-one, get swept along in it all, to find out actually no, its not your turn, get to the back of the queue again. Get ready to do it all again, so you end up feeling like crap.

I just cant help but feel that there is something fundamentally wrong with me (please dont say ive yet to meet the right one. After all there was the one that left the country and had several affairs, one that robbed me of my money, ran up huge debts and left me pregnant, one that was promising until I messed it up. Then the affairs with married chaps (I know I know) they promise the earth but can never quite deliver, people always blame the mistress, but in reality they have the hardest time, especially when it doesnt pan out and the chap stays with his partner, after all most other halves never find out, who is the one left trying to piece themselves back together again! Who is the one that is left on their own? Then there are the ones that you really really really want but you cant have them, even though you know that they are the one you are meant to be with, they are the worse.

Then of course you get your smug married friends, who say how wonderful it must be that you are still single, all the freedom you have etc etc.......OK you be the one that goes to bed night after night alone. Then I think to myself well what are you really doing about it. The answer is simple. Nothing. Why nothing? Im so scared of being hurt, its happened to many times to count or list and to be honest Ive probably shared more than I should have tonight, but hey im in a sharing mood, if Ive offended in anyway, tough!

Its like holding several eggs, drop enough and see the mess on the floor it soon puts you off holding anymore. Now the nearest thing I have to a love life is passing on messages between phill and his g/f. He never knows what to say, so mainly its me telling her his thoughts of love, Im actually quite good at it too, he does say thanks and understands its not ideal for me to be managing his love life too, but hey he doesnt really have any other way of communicating without his phone.

Where was I Christmas, the last few years Ive actually enjoyed Christmas, as its not been the painful family experience (to be fair not for the last 7 years) where everyone sits round pretending everything is ok. The reality being that your brothers havnt spoken to you for near on 14 years, one has a kid, I dont even know what it is, your father can hardly string a sentence together for you. Your mother is running round like a loon with that expression on her face, whether it be too much brandy who knows, but that painted on expression, that fake smile that makes me want to either vomit or grab her by the shoulders and shake her screaming "can you not see what is going on here" Its never been the same since my father blamed me for my mum being ill, im sure I had a lot to do with cancerous cells in her cervix!

The reason why I dont get on with them, is I wont be controlled by them, as soon as I could I was out the door. The occasions I went back were just big mistakes. One thing the doctor asked was whether there was family problems, I gave him one example that he put on my notes. My father stopped speaking to me when I was 14 for nearly 2 years as I refused to make a cup of tea when he ordered me too. I had had enough by that point, the mind games, the time bomb feeling, just waiting for him to explode. I will always remember on my 16th birthday, my mother turned round to him and said arnt you going to wish your daughter a happy birthday, his reply still cuts me now. "I havnt got a Daughter" The times when he deemed it necessary to talk to me, were normally when he wanted to shout, or that he felt he should as it was upsetting my mother...hey dont put yourself out on my account!

So what do I want for Christmas? How about the last 31 years wiped out and some new memories? Think he can fit that on his sleigh?

Todays offering

Well I finally gave into sleep last night, really struggled to get up, in the end it was about 11 o'clock, felt bad as it is a waste, but just couldnt get my body into action. Havnt done a great deal today, not really been in the mood to do anything at all. I really need to fond some motivation though as things are beginning to pile up again, which then makes me feel worse. Think I will do some tonight that way, it wont be such a huge pile to face.

I know some of you are worried about me, im touched really touched. But there is nothing to get off my chest or talk about, I just feel so numb. I dont know what Im going to do, I just wish I could start to get back up again. Oh well, maybe tomorrow will be the start of something new.

Scared of sleeping

Im so tired but I dont want to sleep yet, im listening to a robin singing its heart out, I know its late and I can hardly keep my eyes open, but you know the feeling when you dont want it to be a new day? Well thats how I feel right now. Im struggling, really struggling tonight, ive tried everything I know to keep my mind off stuff and it isnt working.

Thanks for all your kind comments, I know I should be nicer to myself, but saying and doing are two very different things.

I just want to feel better again

Today

I knew it would be a bad day as soon as I woke up, I couldnt get out of bed, the mind was willing but the body sadly lacking. I dont know whats wrong with me but I just cant seem to get over this at all. Im back to square one again, crying for no reason at all, just sitting there and crying. It wont stop and im getting so fed up with it now, fed up with talking about it, fed up with feeling like it,fed up with taking the pills everyday, fed up with fighting it every day. I just want to hide, hide away and never come out again. Its like everything around me has turned very black all of a sudden and I dont know how to make it bright again.

Thing is I dont want to have my dosage increased Im already on these for the next nine months the last thing I want is to be even more dependent on the pills, I so hate taking them, Im thinking of stopping them to be honest and just trying some time with out them, but then the sensible side of me says thats not the right thing to do, im not strong enough as yet to stop them, dont know what the consequences would be.

Im sorry for keep going on, im really trying but everytime I seem to get some where, im just slapped straight back again, just getting very tired of it all now

Robin

Maybe I am a perfectionist, just cant seem to get it right today

Great Tit 2

Again not happy

Great Tit

That should Increase the traffic! Im not to haping with the processing on this one, so might have another play later.

Im late!

I seem to be going through a very sleepy time at the moment, sorry not been about much to chat, but I just want to come home and lay down all of the time. Im trying to keep myself up but the tiredness just keeps winning. Had a wonderful dream last night I actually woke up smiling!

Well best run as Ive got a breakfast meeting this morning that Im late for already! Oh well....

Hectic day

We were short at work yesterday so was very hectic, was lucky to be able to get away to see my doctor. He is such a happy chap, he chuckles at everything, its hard to not laugh along with him. He says the word depression and chuckles, not horribly its just the type of chap he is! He made me talk about some stuff that I dont like to talk about, is pleased with my progress but told me im on the pills for the next 9 months! We did talk about counselling, but he said if I have a good friend to confide in then that works just as well. He also suggested that I face some of my demons, that one im not too sure about. Was there about 20 mins, had a wee cry then was on my way back to work again!

Tonight there is talk about going out for an Indian, but one of my friends isnt too well, so it might get cancelled, not too bothered if it does as an evening of them pointing out random men to me, isnt that fun! Ive not reached that stage as yet, im sure one day I will meet a chap, lets hope he doesnt run away at the first hurdle. Problem is im so difficult, to much interest in me and I will get bored, show no interest in me and I will come running! Guess I always want what I cant have...

Phone sitting

As I left to go back to work yesterday lunchtime, after waving phill off to the airport. I noticed he had left his mobile behind, too late really for him to come back, so I took it to work so I could answer any work calls, plus he would hopefully remember his own number so that he wouldnt think he had lost it and cancel it in a blind panic.

Wasnt that many calls one from his mum wanting his g/f's last name so she could send a thank you card for the gift she sent her. That was about it really. Dutifully when I went home I text the chap he was working with, found the hotel he was staying at and left messages with telephone numbers for him to call. All the while answering texts from his g/f, guess it would be too much for her to find out where he was, so I dutifully passed on all messages, helping the course of true love run smoothly. I figured she would worry if she didnt hear from him, plus it wouldnt be on his mind to call her to say he didnt have phone, he is a chap after all. Im more in tune to how women think and worry when they dont hear from their bloke for a few days or even hours!

It did make me think though. I miss being with some-one, sharing, that feeling when you see them and you get butterflies. The endless staring into space wondering what they are up to or what they are doing. Only thing is, do I miss it enough to actually do something about it? Or am I destined to be loves go-between forever?

Just playing

more gf's

Everyone needs good ones!

My early, well on time finish last night was meant to be for phill and I to sort some stuff out. As we got home from the shop, the new next door neighbour was trying to get into her house, she was twiddling the key, but couldnt get in. After phill and I both tried even with pliers, it was deemed the lock was knackered and we would have to call out a locksmith! I had to go back to work as Id left the dried mealworms I had bought earlier, when I got home, new neighbour was safely in our house drinking tea.

Had to wait for locksmith to come out, so about 30 or so mins of polite conversation, when all I wanted to do was kick back and swear about my day! She seems very nice to be fair, quite young though. Well the locksmith came twiddled the key, tried with pliers, even asked what the symptoms were (erm it doesnt unlock ?!?!?!?), deemed it knackered and drilled out the lock, replaced it all for the princely sum of £175! Thats it im training to be a locksmith! At least she got in ok, later on her and her b/f bought us round a bottle of wine to say thanks...aww sweet!

The roof problem is half sorted, phill went up there, apparently where the air vents meet the bricks there is a gap, guess the house has moved over the years. He has filled with that spray foam stuff but has some more to do, or I will have to finish it off. He also went up there, no signs of squirrel beds or chewed wires, so thats one good thing at least. Hopefully he will have time to finish it today, before he goes back to Ireland. Although he will be back at the weekend again I think.

Tyke came last night she finished all her meal, not sure if she stayed over or not as didnt have cam on all night. Imagine she would have though as she hates the wind and nearly jumps a mile high when its gusty as it was last night, as it is this morning too.

Plan today is to buy some christmas cards, write them tonight and send them tomorrow, well thats the plan anyway, I now have to rely on memory to actually buy them! Then post them! So much to do, so much to do!

Its Monday again!!!

Christ does it come round quick, still soon I will have hols..yay! Only quick post right now as ive a lot to do before work. Need to get Phill up in the roof to sort out hole, plus off to the accountants. Expect we will have some serious chats about what he is going to do now!

We had a good night last night was fun talking and having a laugh, guess im more relaxed with the pills. We spent most of the night taking the mick out of each other, we have very simular sarcastic senses of humour, sometimes I can take offense, but guess as Im feeling more "normal" I can see it as just fun. Which is great really as he is a good mate, if he does take advantage sometimes, im sure he doesnt mean too. Christ whats happening to me?

Birds

Laughs, drink and blisters

Had such a fun evening, we started off with a few drinks before going to the place we was having the meal. Good frien of mine was going, hadnt seen her for a bit so lots to catch up on. Went up to the place we was having a meal, everyone hit the bar firstly, a lot of drink was consumed fairly quickly!

The meal was ok, not bad for plastic food, the service was ok, fairly quick too, the place was quite full! More wine drunk and some people now were on doubles (not me it has to be said, I stuck to the wine)

After the meal most of us went and sat back in the bar, some however just sat at the table still (odd). Well much more drink was drunk and I wont go into detail about the drunken exploits of my fellow collegues, but if youve ever wondered what its like to feel fake boobs........One chap that went (the only talent that was there) bless him was of course singled out, at one point he was given the job of feeling the girls boobs, after the first one he dipped out the rest, I was in stitches absoloute stitches, dont think Ive laughed so much in ages, my face was actually hurting from laughing at them all and what they was up to!!

Anyway was about 12.30 when we was ready to go home, friend rings taxi, its going to be about 20 mins, so its decided we walk. There is me and two others. My mate who is hammered just wants to get home, she took her boots off as she couldnt walk in them, but had no socks, took my boots off put my socks on her, but my boots back on, ive got some lovely blisters now! Took about 3/4 hour to get her home, left her with a rather bemused looking hubby. Not being that familiar with the streets we of course got lost, trying to get back to town. At one point we were just walking round in circles, I tell you its like a maze round her way!!! Eventually got back to town, new where I was heading then, straight home and straight to bed!

Was a fun evening as I said not laughed so much for ages, but boy did I have a bad head this morning, didnt drink that much either, but im such a wimp now....Also had several texts from my mate asking me if she has any apologies to make..I will let her no over time what she was up too, bless her we were all drunk and there is nothing worse when one person remembers what was done! Mind I cant remember getting into bed, I woke fully dressed this morning, so think I must have just collapsed into bed, mind not suprising seeing as I had walked about 5 miles!!!

Thank goodness the christmas party is only once a year!

tyke left home

Think she is going off now to build her winter nest, trying it out some days. Unfortunately its set to rain today, so hopefully she has made it water tight. Im not worried..honest! Being of good weight and a nice round shape, im confident she will make it through the winter quite snuggly.

Well tonight I will put on my dancing shoes ready to dance the night away, or at least eat too much until I feel like im about to pop! There doesnt appear to be many driving this year as to previous years, so I do hope that the drink doesnt get a few tongues wagging...Ah well Im sure it will be fine, there is talk about clubbing after, think I will give that one a miss though, I actually want to do something on saturday with out holding my head all day, thinking im dying!!!!!

The mark on my hand is still there, the chemist thinks its a burn or a bite, initially he said ringworm, but as it came up over night, he has ruled that out as its too quick. I think its a burn, so looks like im sleepwalking again! Oh god, just as ive got new neighbours too, hope I didnt go and introduce myself, what a sight that would be for them a naked me turning up on their doorstep. Thing is the door was locked when I got up in the morning. But I can remember waking up in the middle of the night the other side of the bed, thinking it was strange. Who only knows what I was up too!!!! Its a worry