Wont be long

As Birgit kindly reminded me today it isnt long now until Christmas. Ive still not even thought about it, still havnt bought any cards, no presents, I just cant face it. Another year and Im on my own, not in the literal sense after all I will be in Brighton sampling Birgits culinary delights! Yes she can cook more than a cup-a-soup, but I will treat her to the best Christmas dinner ever! If there is one thing I can do its cook!

So what does it all really mean, we rush about like loons, in hot stuffy shops buying crap for one another that they dont really want or need, write out countless cards, until your hand gets cramp, to receive always one that you havnt written one out for, then theres that awkward part where you feign a search of the cards you still have, grinning, saying through your best smile, oh I must have left yours at home. Come on we all know it means you forgot them!

Never did I ever think that I would get to the age im at now and still be single, I can remember when I was 15 I had a plan of what was going to happen, never was this in the plan. Sometimes life tricks you, you think you find some-one, get swept along in it all, to find out actually no, its not your turn, get to the back of the queue again. Get ready to do it all again, so you end up feeling like crap.

I just cant help but feel that there is something fundamentally wrong with me (please dont say ive yet to meet the right one. After all there was the one that left the country and had several affairs, one that robbed me of my money, ran up huge debts and left me pregnant, one that was promising until I messed it up. Then the affairs with married chaps (I know I know) they promise the earth but can never quite deliver, people always blame the mistress, but in reality they have the hardest time, especially when it doesnt pan out and the chap stays with his partner, after all most other halves never find out, who is the one left trying to piece themselves back together again! Who is the one that is left on their own? Then there are the ones that you really really really want but you cant have them, even though you know that they are the one you are meant to be with, they are the worse.

Then of course you get your smug married friends, who say how wonderful it must be that you are still single, all the freedom you have etc etc.......OK you be the one that goes to bed night after night alone. Then I think to myself well what are you really doing about it. The answer is simple. Nothing. Why nothing? Im so scared of being hurt, its happened to many times to count or list and to be honest Ive probably shared more than I should have tonight, but hey im in a sharing mood, if Ive offended in anyway, tough!

Its like holding several eggs, drop enough and see the mess on the floor it soon puts you off holding anymore. Now the nearest thing I have to a love life is passing on messages between phill and his g/f. He never knows what to say, so mainly its me telling her his thoughts of love, Im actually quite good at it too, he does say thanks and understands its not ideal for me to be managing his love life too, but hey he doesnt really have any other way of communicating without his phone.

Where was I Christmas, the last few years Ive actually enjoyed Christmas, as its not been the painful family experience (to be fair not for the last 7 years) where everyone sits round pretending everything is ok. The reality being that your brothers havnt spoken to you for near on 14 years, one has a kid, I dont even know what it is, your father can hardly string a sentence together for you. Your mother is running round like a loon with that expression on her face, whether it be too much brandy who knows, but that painted on expression, that fake smile that makes me want to either vomit or grab her by the shoulders and shake her screaming "can you not see what is going on here" Its never been the same since my father blamed me for my mum being ill, im sure I had a lot to do with cancerous cells in her cervix!

The reason why I dont get on with them, is I wont be controlled by them, as soon as I could I was out the door. The occasions I went back were just big mistakes. One thing the doctor asked was whether there was family problems, I gave him one example that he put on my notes. My father stopped speaking to me when I was 14 for nearly 2 years as I refused to make a cup of tea when he ordered me too. I had had enough by that point, the mind games, the time bomb feeling, just waiting for him to explode. I will always remember on my 16th birthday, my mother turned round to him and said arnt you going to wish your daughter a happy birthday, his reply still cuts me now. "I havnt got a Daughter" The times when he deemed it necessary to talk to me, were normally when he wanted to shout, or that he felt he should as it was upsetting my mother...hey dont put yourself out on my account!

So what do I want for Christmas? How about the last 31 years wiped out and some new memories? Think he can fit that on his sleigh?