Another update

Ok, I did find this out yesterday, but didnt remember to post it. Seems like he has got himself a russian g/f. Actually Im over the moon about this, it saves all the stuff I could have gone through. The only thing I dont like, is that he keeps telling me that im jealous and heart broken, which sparked a row tonight.

Im not, Im really not, I am very happy for him, especially if he has found some-one, hell I know thats hard enough to do. What I dont like is for him to then think I will fall apart or break or something..Believe me, Im not!!!

Tv

has been on for hours now.... Its even on now!

Not too bad, we have had a chat about some stuff, but more talks to be had. He hopefully will be able to find out about some work quite soon. Will try and keep things updated, more short bursts though really

12 Days to go!

Just a wee reminder, so you can get all your lavish gifts ready for me :)

Garden is getting busier with birds again, this morning ive seen about greenfinches, goldfinches, blue tits, great tits, coal tits, male blackcap is back too!!!

Oh and last week there was 8 teaspoons in the garden!! Must be winter back on its way, actually was really cold here this morning, I was very tempted to put the heating on....

Its worse

Whats worse than a Monday......a Tuesday pretending to be a Monday!! Oh god!!

Well I managed not to sleep last night, so Im feeling pretty darn tired right now, everything is a struggle. Just going to try a strong coffee to see if it wakes me up.

Wow that is strong.

Ok must stop staring into space and get arse into gear...

well...

In many ways I wish I had taken advice sooner and started an anon blog, where I could really just say what I mean. Ive re-done this now 4 times, each time I hit the delete button. Why? Well im a soft person, dont like the thought of offended others with tales of woe and bad language. So im gonna just stick to the facts instead.

Phill is coming home on wednesday, it hasnt worked out the way he thought it would.

I dont know what that means for me.

Ive thought and thought and thought, but Im not coming up with any answers.

Thank god for music.

I want to live where people arnt.

I want to be a strong person.

(this seems to be building into one of those lists of affirmations for fucks sake)

I want to stop going down stupid paths.

For once I want the rug under my feet.

Ok this sounds mostly crap, its just my mind dealing with stuff. Its knocked me him coming home, mind gone into panic mode. Im a dweller, plus I need to know in my head how it will work out, not one for suprises ever! Ive already had about a 100 conversations we will have, sounds silly I know but thats me!

Well I guess I cant think anymore, will just have to wait and see. Always tomorrow and all that. If I actually believed in wishes then I wish, I wish...well you should never say your wishes should you ?!

Why Oh Why!?

Well I needed hog chicken, so I popped out to waitrose, to find them shut..Two choices either walk back on myself and goto sainsburys or carry on to tescos. Now im a bit funny about stuff like that, I dont like to walk back on myself, so I carried on to tescos. Jam packed with the normal screaming kids! Get some bits and bobs, get to the checkout..

Now Ive said this time and time again, if you dont like people, do not get a job in the service industry as you will be get them everyday. All we want is a smile, a hello and a thank you. I nearly told him to demand his money back from the charm school he went too. Makes my blood boil, the worse bit is when all your stuff is through and they expect you to hand over card/cash without telling you the price. Now im a bugger and will wait until im told or asked for payment, its been known for me to stand there smiling at the person serving me until I have got this, if there is no please then I will wait some more, until I get one. I suppose I did get a thank you, I was overly enthusiastic about my thank you. Drives me mad....if I was like it in my job, I would get blasted I really would.

Head thumping I walk into virgin, am reassured by a very nice girl, who knew how to say please and thank you.

Walking back, I went the back way, less people to dodge on the pavement...how wrong could I have been. There was a group of 8 chaps, two lines of 4 taking up all the pavement. Now what would you do..erm remember when you were at primary school, you get into single file. Now Im not so up myself that I expect people to jump out the way, but come one, larger groups need to be considerate. I have two choices, walk out into the road, or do what I did. Took a side step to the middle of the pavement and walked right through them, banging shins with my bags as I did!! One did give me a look, but the glare he got back soon stopped him. I know I will get myself in bother one of these days, but it just makes me so mad!!!

My adopted cat

Her name is Smidge, she looks like butter wouldnt melt, but apparently is a real handful...aw just look at those eyes

Deliver

Was outside in the garden, when I heard a knock at the door, look what got delivered!
Before you ask...I dont know the card wasnt signed.....

Just some photos

Posted!

At last!

Just watching hogs on the cam, new hog is starting to look a little rough, all his fur is getting fluffy, must be the change in the weather, it has got bloody cold here.

Will put some hog stills up in the morning. I really hope the weather changes this w/e, really want to get over to Cambridge......wont go if its all wet and miserable. Plus ive got no jobs to do this w/e whooo hoooo.

Hey its friday soon, SMILE!!!!

Ok

I will admit it, Im not very good at remembering stuff. Especially stuff to post, Im lucky at work as the pixies take away my post and do their magic. Jan Im sorry it will go in the post tomorrow I will ask for next day delivery. The envelope was too big, wonder if I will get told off for making a large envelope smaller ?!?

Problem is Ive a very poor short term memory, thats why in this house there are notes everywhere to remind me to do stuff. Each day I write a note to myself..it really is the only way. Long term memory is fine, but the short one, very crap!

So whats news..erm 18 days til im a year younger. New hog still staying over, will have to clean out box soon though ready for winter. Ive adopted a cat! Mice are nesting in the other hog box. Weather is shite!

Work is quite stressful right now, last two nights when everyone has gone home Ive been sat with my head in my hands fighting the urge unsuccessfully to cry. Its not that it really matters, but I do put more pressure on myself than need be.

Oh well, I will of course look forward to photos of Italian bums!!! Not that I will be looking ;)

Another year off

Yup its coming up soon, not sure why but this year Im actually looking forward to it. For me especially whilst growing up, birthdays were awful. I cant remember a "happy" birthday, parents always rowed. Or I would wake up and see mum having slept on the sofa (again). This continued for every birthday, always something that would spoil it, always something to reduce me to tears. Like when I was 16 and my father turned to say he didnt have a daughter. Yup this continued past my teens, always seemed like that was the day bad news was delivered to me. Not once have I not cried on my birthday.

So why on earth am I looking forward to this one? Well maybe just maybe this one will be different. This one may just be the "happy" birthday that I do deserve! Odd isnt it how we change, how the influence of others can make us see stuff in a different light. Or maybe Ive finally stopped growing up, stop trying to take responsibilty for everything and anything, even stuff I have no sway over, now its time for me to have some fun! Maybe Im just learning to finally let go of some crap that has been with me too long now. Reminds me of line from the Matrix (great film, not just because of Keanu...but well I mean come on..the guy is soooooooo cute) where was I? Oh yes....you think thats air you are breathing?

Monday already?

You know what kind of day you are going to have, when you pour cat biscuits in your bowl instead of cereal!! Luckily I realized before I poured the milk on.

and the photos

more rain!

Well I managed to sleep better last night, so woke up actually wanting to do something. Housework of course! Never ends, just never ends.

I have been out for a short walk, but to be honest not that much about really, so was a bit disappointed. I do hope for some better weather next weekend, I may go over to Cambridge if its nice, see if there are many flutters over there.

Oh Jan before I forget my contract is up on 2 October, so I will be looking end of September.

Anyway not much else to say really, will put a few photos up, then go and have a long soak...

Traumatic, wet now blue

God what an awful nights sleep. Most of you know I do dream a lot, plus its not unusual for me to have nightmares each night. You do get used to it, but some of them are just to horrible. Last night was just awful. I went to bed late, I was knackered so thought I would sleep the sleep of kings..how wrong.

I was outside and the hogs were out there, for some reason there was blue netting all around the house, this worried me as the hogs could get caught in it. But as I had been kicked out the house there wasnt much I could do about it. There were loads of hogs everywhere, but they were all getting caught in the netting and injured, all the hogs were covered in ticks, fly eggs with maggots crawling out of open cuts, each and everyone was injured in some-way. All I could do was to try and put them all in boxes. These poor lifeless hoggies, all bleeding with maggot's coming out of them, spikes missing heads lolling. I woke up in a panic, hadnt been asleep that long, but each time I went back to sleep I dreamt the same dream, but each time it got worse and worse. The last one I had before giving up on sleeping entirely, there were these people chasing the hogs and hunting them...God I woke up crying.

Well I got up and pottered about, dozing on the sofa really. Bit later I decided to go into Toon, as I need some stuff. The weather is miserable so didnt think it would be too busy. How wrong was I, still only two shops and I could come home. I had to goto the Mecca for all under 14 year olds..woolworths, the heating was on in the shop, full of kids and pushcahirs. They didnt have what I wanted, so went off to boots to get some bits and bobs.

On the way back the heavens opened, it pissed it down. What could I do apart from just carry on walking. It was awful the rain just didnt stop all the way home. Got in and stripped out my soaking wet clothes at the door, you could have wrung me out and filled up a bucket im sure.

Had some lunch, I felt so tired, put the tv on, found something to watch that didnt engage my brain too much and layed on the sofa. BAD MOVE!! As ive watched the grey skys in the sky, Im now fighting my own grey cloud. Dont know where it come from, but I think its taking advantage as I feel so tired. Got up went outside as the sun had started to come out, thought that might cheer me some what. But it hasnt. Sat out for a while, but no nice flutters to make me smile. So I came back inside again.

Now Im struggling. Ive given myself some tasks to do, to try and keep me going, but all I want to do is close all the curtains, get back into bed and wake up when its all passed. Sometimes Im just too tired to fight it, this is one of those days, Im just too tired. Of course I will, as I dont want it to engulf me, to take me over, to make me feel like crap, but right now, even typing is a chore, let alone do anything else.

Well Im going to do some of the tasks on my list, try and keep busy. Will have to goto the shop to get some hog chicken. When I get back I will try some boxing see if that lifts me. I might also just have a night in front of the tv too, with some dvds and a bottle of wine, so if Im not about you know where I am!!!

More flutters

Just had a thunder storm here, then some sunshine, now the sky has gone very dark and angry, looks like a day of rain...ah well the above chap cheered me up

Sharing..

Last couple of days

Well work hasnt been too bad, could have been a lot worse, but its the next three days that will be tough! Ah well no point moaning about it, just have to get on with it really.

Im feeling really good, it must be the exercise, honestly do try it, I may sound all smug and stuff but the benefits are just HUGE. I have more energy, plus spend a hell of a lot less time thinking about things, getting worked up about things too. You can also get chair routines too, for those who find it tough. I really want to get back into yoga too, as it really strengths the body and also helps the mind.

Blimey, the above does seem really smug, sorry cant help it, I just feel good. Ive had less little rages too, when I say rages I mean frustrations, when your whole body screws up and it feels like your head will explode!!! I dunno, I know there will be times when Im back down there, but I just really want to enjoy this feeling Ive got now, I will do anything to keep here!!

Quick post

Here starts my two weeks of hell!!!!

Very Quick!

Thanks....

Lovely Sunday Walk

What with work and everything Ive been stuck indoors most of the week, now the weather did improve this afternoon, so went out, making sure I took a waterproof jacket just encase!

Was quite warm in the sunshine, I was trying to get a small white (too jittery) looked up in the tree and there was a kestrel perched there, never seen one that close, of course as soon as I lifted the camera it flew off, but WOW!!

Was enjoying taking some photos, until a wasp decided that it wanted to be my friend, in the end the camera went into the bag and I ran off!! Went down to the stream to see some dr.flies. A very annoying man kept throwing his dogs ball into the stream as I was trying to take photos. I know its there for everyone to join, but a little courtesy would go a long way, so he got a very black look from me!!!

Typically just put some washing out, so its started to rain, oh well it can go on the clothes horse! I can hear the garden sigh with relief at the rain..

Text from Boo

Wedding huge success. Really enjoyed it. xx

@ 2.17am this morning!!! I was still up, but I did manage to sleep a lot better last night.

Was planning maybe a trip out today, but I got up this morning and the weather is miserable, raining, dark and cloudy. So will have to think of something else to do now..Shame I did all the chores yesterday. Still the red-heads are back in the garden, maybe try and get a few photos of them, only problem is the light is really low.

What a day!

After having weird dreams about hogs mating with foxes, running all over the garden, with me chasing after them. I awoke to the worse headache ever, the type where you cant lift your head off the pillow as the pounding and throbbing drives your head back down. I managed to very carefully get up and make some tea, took it back to bed, as my head was starting to pound and I was getting a little dizzy and faint. Felt a bit better so started on some chores, but the pain got worse. Took some very strong pills, felt quite drunk after taking them, so went back to bed for a sleep for an hour.

Got up again, the pain was much less, so on with the chores. Now Im not one of those crazed housewife types, I like the house to be clean and tidy, but I dont obsesses about it. Still I started on a semi spring-clean (yeah another one). It took me ages to do one room as I kept having to sit down. Still Ive managed to do the house, plus windows. Ive also sorted out the post and other general bits. Spoke to phill, after he had sent me a couple of emails, with more jobs too do! Decided to run VAT next week so I can chase some outstanding money..isnt he kind...

Still the place does look more orderly now. Been changing the cables for the phone and internet to stop it crackling. Fixed up the tiles..yeah with super glue again..I know I could have gone to B&Q do the job properly, but I couldn't be arsed. Fixed the cold tap from dripping.

Now I feel knackered, my shoulders are really tense and the pain is starting to reappear behind my eyes. Will goto shop as need hog food, then come home. Still a few bits to go, but Im pleased with the progress so far. Boy I bet you wish your life was as exciting as mine!!!! Oh must remember some painkillers.

Ok off to the shop, bit of boxing, shower then erm collapse!!!

cant sleep again

Past 4 nights now Ive struggled with the sleeping thing, its this banging headache im sure, right behind my eyes, yes I am wearing my glasses, but just cant seem to shift it. I eventually fall asleep to have really vivid dreams where I wake in a panic thinking its real, not managing more than about 3-4 hours at the moment, thats tough normally but throw in work and it gets a whole lot tougher. Im a very tolerant person, but after a few days not sleeping it gets harder I can tell you. I blame my sleep patterns on working in hotels..Birgit can tell you about the christmas in oxford, no sleep, no food..I was a wreck!

Ive got such a busy day planned tomorrow too, going to switch everything off that can distract me, work in silence until my jobs are done, has to be done. I will feel more settled once its all completed. Im like that have to see the thing through. Although Phill will tell you differently, apparently I start with great enthusiasm then I get bored..He calls me 1 of 5. I do have a short attention span with some stuff, but I think thats more when I do stuff with him. Like when we decorated, I want to crack on and get the job done, but he fannys about, takes 10 years to paint one wall, where Im slapping it on, too be honest the end result is more or less the same. When the hall was being done, we had a row about something, he stormed out, for about 2 hours, I got the whole thing done!! Think we rowed about his finickyness (is that a word)

Ah well he is back soon, Im quite nervous about it again. Im sure it will be fine, we will slip back into the old ways.

Anyway what was I talking about..oh yeah sleeping. Ive never been one to be early to bed, 7 hours normally does me fine, more than that and im good for nowt. But this week, im feeling it, now Im really feeling it. Well Id best go see if I can sleep...see you sunday!

Flutters again

Mikes been playing again!!! Of course I will learn how to do it myself one day!

got ten minutes

so will update, actually I need a wee, bare with me

thats better, got turin breaks on, nice glass of wine, feel in the mood for sharing!

What shall I share......?

OK Pete's blog got me thinking, if I won the lottery, what would I do....

Firstly be amazed as I never play it..

Ok, the q was if you won 100 million, so much money, can honestly say my family wouldnt get a penny (that seems harsh but if you knew then you would know why I say that)

So, firstly I would help my friends, birgit would have a lovely new house, with shiney dog kennel. Another friend wouldnt have to worry about anything either, her and her daughter. Oh and old boss would help them too. Of course I would help all you too. Not necissarily give out money but give something that would make the daily toil of life easier. Indeed charities would be helped, mainly wildlife, but some others too.

Erm what would I give phill? He doesnt really need the money, but would make his life comfortable, enough for him to live out his dreams I guess. He has always been there for me, well in parts, sometimes I cant be helped. Still he wouldnt have to work and could live where ever he wanted.

Me? Can I have my turn now? This is tough

Think I would start with some traveling, see some of the world, visit oc in Canada (looks a lovely place) then Janine in Florida (sunshine) drop into mikes to see the cats. Then maybe round to Australia etc. I would also want to see the uk more, there are some lovely places round here, of course stop with jan and pauline. Boo if she will have me anna to see the hogs...sorry pete, erm your town maybe for a cuppa!!

Then I would like to find myself and Island, coastal but with mountains, lakes, streams and waterfalls. Isolated but accessible. I would just relax, for the first time in years just relax, not worry about the alarm clock, targets, performance...just relax. Would have two dogs too keep me company, everyday fresh food to eat, places to explore and un-wind. That would do me..would I get lonely? Ok I can fly company in (hey its my fantasy) wouldnt it be great though to have all that and share it with some one. Probably couldnt live out there forever, short attention span and all that, but wouldnt it be bliss, just peaceful, the sound of the waves against the shore, no cars no pollution, no ignorant tossers to piss you off.

Shame isnt it, that life cant be how we would like it to be, or dream it to be. Always an obstacle or two or ten in the way. Always something to stop it happening. Or do I look for the obstacles? If you want something should you not just aim for it? Get it? I know its not that easy. Why should it be that money makes it easier? I dont understand that I really dont. Well I do of course, im not silly, I know I couldnt have my island with out the money, but there are various degrees of the island (stay with me now). After all the island is just a projection of the happy place I want to be, who is to say thats an island or anywhere. I guess when it comes to it, well all have an ideal of where we would be happy, generally thats no where we are currently. Odd isnt it, we always want what we cant have....?

more whilst its working

at last the flutters

Nothing like

starting the morning with a breakfast meeting, pastries, fresh fruit, danish, croissants... I of course was good and had a few grapes, my oats fill me up in the morning!!! Got back to work about 11 ish, wasnt to a bad day, fairly quiet but enough to keep me out of trouble and my mind on my work...for a change.

Came home at lunch and the budlea was full of flutters was lovely! So took a few photos, lost track of the time a bit, will put some photos up later. Erm done some boxing, really worked hard at it too, was drenched but it felt great, all you need to do is picture some one in your head you dont like, then immediately you are punching and kicking harder!! Not that im a violent person, complete opposite, but it helps when you are trying to push yourself harder. It feels great when you have finished you are completely knackered, drenched in sweat and can hardly breathe, but its Fantastic!!! Really helps beat the blues, which is the main reason Im doing it again. Keeping it away, sometimes I do get tired of battling, but this is one way that really works.

Im not down or owt, in fact the complete opposite. Last couple of months, apart from a small blip, Ive been really quite stable, well stable for me. Will never be completely stable, plus I will still have my swings, but all in all yeah life is good right now. Oh I would love to tell you why, but Im not :)

Soooooo dinners cooking enders is on so Im gonna shoot. Will put photos up later !

I hate my alarm clock

Well actually I have 3. The radio alarm, my mobile and an old mobile. Im not one of these types that hears the first alarm then immediately gets up, I need to snooze! They are all set at different times, the phones can also have separate alerts set, otherwise I would just fall back asleep.

I woke up at 5 am this morning in a panic convinced myself I had overslept. Hate it when that happens, still took me about 5 minutes to check the time to see if I actually had!!

Looks like we had a good shower in the night, just been watching some bluetits on the washing line eating the spiders. My bathroom spiders seem to be doing well, we have an understanding, I dont mind them being in the bathroom, as its not a room that I tend to spend a lot of time in. They can stay in there, but they arnt to roam about the house, or watch me whilst in the bathroom. I make them close ALL their weird eyes!!

Just looked out to the feeders, greenfinches, chaffinches and blue tits, also looks like I will have to fill them up again at lucnhtime!

Oh well best try and be on time this morning :)

Oh and Happy Birthday Will, hope you have a fantastic day xx

some more photos