Dinners Yum!

Hog tonight having slept in the box all day, licking his chops at the tasty meal worms...all he has to do now is find a mate!

A new day begins

Again! As I do every morning I walk into the garden and top up the feeders for the birds. I also check the veg patch to see if anything has grown. This morning I noticed that on the back of the seed packets is a photo of how the seedlings will look like, not sure why I havnt noticed that before! Anyway I can confirm this morning that I have carrots growing, not many but there is definatly carrots starting to pop up. Well it has cheered me a little..

Im so irritable and fed up again. I wish I could just flip a switch and it all be ok again. The signs are so clear when Im getting another episode that I instantly dread the next few days or weeks, or however long it decides to last. Then of course there is the guilt, I mean why should I feel guilty about having these, I feel guilty about writing them down on here. After all if anyone is sick of reading about my depression there are plenty of other blogs to read.

Inside my head I am screaming, screaming for it to stop and for it all to go away. Something’s make me so angry, things I don’t have any control over, but still cant get the anger to go away, cant get it out my head and gone for good. I feel cheated, that I can’t act “normally” therefore have the normal life I think others are having.

Disappointed in myself and others. I feel sorry for myself, then anger at my self pity. After all why do I think that I have it that bad, or worse than others? What right do I have to that? But then why should I feel like that, why can’t I feel sorry for myself. Why can’t I just close the curtains, not leave the house, not go anywhere or speak to anyone ever again if that’s what I feel like doing. I want to hide, but I don’t want to keep hiding my emotions, hiding how I really feel. I want to recognise them and shout them out. I FEEL CRAP.

I want to cope with how I feel, some how manage it; keep on top of it, live with it. I don’t want to keep beating myself up. I don’t want to keep having feelings of self loathing and worthlessness. I want to be even not odd. I want to be able to switch off my head so I can relax.

I don’t want people to tell me it will be ok.

I don’t want people to feel sorry for me.

I don’t want this battle every day.

I just don’t want to be depressed anymore.

Quick post

To say I got given a lovely bunch of flowers today by one of my customers...how sweet, there are loads of flowers too, will take a photo later, or tomorrow when the light is back! Everyone asked why he had bought them for me, which the reply was erm nothing, which is the truth. Its nice to be appreciated though, makes you feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside.

Tyke!

I have come to the conclusion that the visiting hog is tyke, mainly as I put out a dish of meal worms last night and the hog just wolfed them down, she was the only one that would eat meal worms and never really touched anything else. In fact looking at playback this morning there was an increase of visits the first being 11.45pm. At 12.05 am I was awoken by the dish rattling switched on the tv and she was out there in the dish chomping away. So last too bed, first to be up! Plus the fact that she was still up and about quite early this morning means I also think it was her, as it matches her behaviour last year! Stills are from last night, just hope she comes a bit earlier so those that view the cam in the evening can see her too. Must stock up on meal worms.

My mouth is less sore this morning too, which is great, I still cant chew on that side but the pain now is a dull ache much better than it was before, think Im just a wimp really. So back to normal again! Hope to take some photos today as the last couple of days I havnt :( Also when I get home from work I am going to sort out the wild bed a bit. I am going to move and plant the lavenders and the honey suckle in the wild bed to give it a bit of early interest to the bugs and beetles. Also I think it will be good for the honey suckle to have some more room. I would also like to maybe put some fuchsias in the bed too. Plus im thinking of slightly sinking a decoraters tray in the bed and filling it with water to create a sort of mini pond. So many wants and needs, good job Ive put myself in for overtime on Saturdays, first one being this w/e too. I will of course hate doing it, but ah well.

owwww continues

sorry if this is getting boring......this morning feels like my face has been hit by a truck, was considering calling in sick, but remembered I have some stuff to do, so will go and do that then see how I feel, but will try and get an early bath.

Hog news, he/she isnt coming til about 4 am, did eat a little more last night, my thoughts are that there must be some one else in the area feeding too, as a hog out of hibernation wouldnt eat as little as this one is doing and be the size it is. Great others are feeding too, will really give them a chance this year!

Apart from that not much else to say. The moss in the garden is being pulled up by the birds (great). Ive actually stuck some on the bird table too, just to give them a head start, I will have to think about cutting the grass soon though, as all this sunshine its growing like a dont know what!

Oh well, best get ready for work.

can I

have the numbness back please? OWWWWWWWW the pain, its the type of really bad pain that makes you want to wee. I once said this to a workmate and they hadnt had that feeling, I replied you havnt had the severity of pain then! Ive just taken some more pain killers but it aint touching the pain. This is nearly as bad as when I had the wisdom teeth out........wheres that whisky?

Dentist

It was an hour Jan and I have to go back in2 weeks time for something else too, he was talking about a crown, but as Ive had so much of the numbness stuff was finding it hard to hear.

In fact Ive come to the conclusion that im too British! Sat in the chair, out comes the needle of course I wince at the pain of the needle going in. Few minutes later and we are off. Now dentist said I should feel anything, but as he is drilling I can, but think it’s not so bad, but then I wince, he stops we wait a while, he starts. Im thinking to myself must not wince it I can feel it (don’t want to be a pain in the arse). Of course it hurts again with the drill, so I get more numbness stuff. Don’t feel a thing after that. He actually asked me if I was dozing off and one point.

All in all not too bad really, but then I still can’t feel anything or talk, so ask me later how I actually am feeling! Worse thing is cost £250 today, so that’s £360 now, plus will be another £65 for the crown (wonder if I will get jewels in it?) Top it off got the council tax bill too today! YAY!!! Will have a look at the old finances tonight, as they arnt looking too clever right now, think I will need to cut back on some other stuff too. Oh well there are places I can walk to take nice photos, it aint all that bad….

Anyway im off to try and stop biting at my tongue feels weird, nice but weird.


Oh and just one last thing apparently I have longer than average tooth roots, the average is 20 mm whilst mine are 23 mm. Just thought I would share that!

dream dream dream

For those of you I was talking to last night, you will be pleased to hear there was no 3 in a Jacuzzi last night, much more boring. I was going to a Christmas party, left the house in a frock (!) but decided I didn’t like it so went to Lincoln to buy a new one and couldn’t find anything anywhere, was very frustrating at one point I was doing that dream running where you don’t get anywhere. Anyway there were lots of hats and scarves for sale but no frocks. There was countless people all laid on the street asleep, plus lots of dogs about, including a very friendly rotweiler (SP). Eventually I went for the Christmas meal in my scruffs, which was odd too, they had corn on the cob on the table instead of bread rolls, but it was off…anyway woke up then. Go figure!

Other news, found out this morning I have won second prize on a photography comp on a site that I go onto, wasn’t one where you enter they just pick the best photos from the previous year. I get a prize and every fink!!! Maybe I could start entering a few ?!?

Hog did show up on cam last night but again didn’t eat anything, will try some suet pellets and chopped nuts tonight; see if that will tempt him/her. Means I can have the chicken, might make a soup as I don’t think that I will be able to eat much tonight…yup its dentist day! To say im bricking it is very much an understatement, to be sat with my mouth open for an hour, I am sure there will be drilling, has got to be one of my worse nightmares! Still at least I get to finish work early, but think the most painful bit will be handing over the cash after. Seems a bit sadistic to me paying for this pain, mind people do make good livings out of it!

Oh well, best top up the bird feeders and be off to work, hope I see you all later. Ive got this nagging thought that the dentist will slip and I will end up with a whole in my cheek…….hope this is one time Im not seeing into the future!

I know

they have to eat and they are wonderful birds, but its not nice when you see a bird taken by the sprawk, not sure what was just taken but such a row in the garden, think it was small so possibly one of the tits, just before I could hear them in the garden. Whatever the poor bird was it was still screaming as the sprawk took it away...:(

well....

After last nights excitement I just couldn’t wait to get up and watch the playback! Oh ok I had a lay in, was really sleepy, so bleary eyed I watched a rather picky hog turn his/her nose up at the food I had offered, typical! Oh well will have to see if he comes back tonight, Ive got some more chicken in.

Decided to have a walk up on the fields, not really much about but something rather spooky happened in the church yard. It’s a nice church and the bells were tolling as I was up there, I mainly stick to the old part as the graves anrt as tended as the new ones, I think Ive said before it’s not ideal me walking about with a camera if people are grieving so I stick to the old side. Makes me a bit sad to see all the old graves left to grow over. No one about to put flowers on them, or remember who is laid there. Well there was some ladybirds about so was taking a few photos, now today its warm, brilliant sunshine, however when I was taking the ladybird shots, which was on a grave, I noticed that as I breathed out I could see my breath, didn’t think much about it, until I walked along a little and noticed I couldn’t see my breath anymore.

Hmmm rather odd, Ive deleted the photos I took, call me superstitious but the last thing I want is some upset ghost not happy with me, especially as I will be in the dentists chair for an hour tomorrow!

Came home, got some jobs done in the garden and house, haven’t don’t a great deal as a) couldn’t be arsed and b) couldn’t be arsed. Will try and do some more now, not a great deal to do to be fair but it will make me think Ive achieved something!

Birds have been pretty quiet in the garden today, just been watching some pigeons having a flap fight, couldn’t help but laugh at how silly they look, guess they was fighting over some girl pigeon, oh how romantic ( I must get a boyfriend before its too late)

Well that’s about it really, will put some photos on the other blog, then may go and have a soak.

NEWS!!!!!!!!

Just sighted hog on cam....WHOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! the oven is on and chicken is cooking, not sure who it was, but looking rather thin so will be fed right back up again. I cant tell you how happy and exited I am, poor oc, just got me screaming HOGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Some stills from the cam

Cambridge Botanical Gardens

Well in the end I did go to Cambridge botanical gardens. I always find it rather challenging to take photos there, as it isn’t a nature reserve at all, so no nice hides or feeding stations. Just you the trees, plants and wildlife. Have to take the shot when you can and believe me you miss a few too. Best bet is to find some where to sit, preferably with a tree or bush in front of you and see what birds come to you.

The day was glorious to start with, lovely and sunny, ideal for taking photos. As I walked into the gardens, it started to get a wee bit cloudy, but didn’t let that put me off. On turning a corner, saw a green woodpecker, damn camera still in bag..TUT! Got camera out put zoom lens on, walked about a bit, saw a red admiral, damn wrong lens is on!! Never mind, onwards I went, looked up and saw a lovely bullfinch eating some buds, I did get a record shot, but that’s about it, as there was too many branches in the way to get anything decent!

Stopped for elevenses, where a rather brave blackbird decided to join me, was no more than 2 feet away from me, digging about in the leaf litter looking for his own snack. Lots of blue tits, great tits, ltt’s, dunnocks, chaffinches, greenfinches, jackdaws, magpies and robins about too. Walked all around the gardens, took some more photos, but it was very cloudy and couldn’t quite get the photos that I would have liked.

Stopped for lunch and changed the lens to the macro one, off to find bugs! Simply loads of bees about, all different types. Countless ladybirds, never ever ever ever have I seen so many about before, was so cool! Filled up 2 memory cards on bees and ladybirds alone! The gardens were lovely too, all in spring mode, the smells were wonderful, plus the sound of bird song. Actually at one point I looked up and there was a dunnock above my head in the tree singing his heart out, took a photo with the macro lens so will be interesting to see how that one turns out.

Changed lens again, took some more bird photos, including a singing wren, fly over from a kestrel (I think) not a great shot. Kept hearing a nearby jay, so went and sat for a while and he should himself too! Kept hearing the green woodpecker but didn’t see it again :( But did get some photos of some very nice thrushes that were happy to sit and pose!

All in all a really nice day, with quite a lot seen bird wise for there, I don’t normally see so much, plus was fantastic to see the bullfinch my first ever!!! Oh and of course mallards on the pond, but I tend to stay away from there as that’s where more people are, not great when you are trying to be still and take photos, with people bustling about you! Hmm 14 different types seen, unless Ive forgotten one, oh pheasant too. That’s 15, starling, that’s 16, wow that is good for there! Well best get on and process the photos for t’other blog!

Oh pigeon too, so thats 17!

Jacdaws

They are such funny birds, they really keep me entertained, just been watching them come down to the garden, filling their beaks with as much food as possible then going off up to the roof tops to eat it. They dont really seem bothered about me being in the garden now, they were actually flying over my head. Guess it helps as Im the food giver!!!

Well I still haven't decided what to do today, the sun is starting to come out, sat here with a cup of coffee trying to decided what to do today, got a few options in my head, including one that says what about some more sleep, or get some papers a cup of tea and a nice read in bed! Ok will make a choice in the next ten mins I think.....

and now the end is near

Another working week is drawing to an end, really pleased this week is nearly over, not been a good week as weeks go. Now I can look forward to the w/e. Think I will be staying local this w/e, really hope the weather is as good as it has been all week. The plan will be to try and get some more macro practise in, I don’t really want to have to use a tripod for the macro as I think it will make me feel a little restricted, but I might use try it and see.

I might do a bit of a juggle with some money tonight, if I can manage it then I might go over to Cambridge to see the gardens in early spring, really is a lovely time, everything starting to burst through its buds. We will have to see. Think flutters will be out for this w/e though, maybe Sunday..Oh can’t make up my mind now!!

Anyway, will have to make sure all my jobs are done here first, including the h work, will do that tonight I think, sure there was something else I had to do tonight as well. Oh memory like a goldfish me. Anyway Ive decided I am going to have a good day today, looking forward to lunchtime, as there might be some more bugs about. I was taking photos of a spider last night, will have a look at them later, how brave am I!?!?!?!?

Well best go wash my teeth and get dressed for work…happy Friday!!!

whats this cd?

Now normally I can tell what will be in the cd player as Im the only one here. Odd that Phill must have been listening to music when he was here as he never ever does. Now im trying to guess who it is playing, my first thoughts were talking heads, but im not so sure, as the only talking heads cd is mine and the tracks I don’t quite recognise. Now I think it could possibly be roxy music, take me to the river is playing.

Im a bit annoyed with myself tonight. Have had a really crap day, think well I hope that this will get it out of myself before I try and sleep, but not so sure it will. This cd is bugging me. Today’s events have left me rather on edge to say the least, now I cant get all the crap out of my head, hate it when I get days like this, I worry so unnecessarily about anything and everything. I will end up driving myself mad with it im sure.

Ok Im going to go and look what is playing. It was talking heads, well there you go, have a cd I didn’t even know about. Ive changed it now for the other talking heads cd. Do you ever get that feeling when you are so irritated by yourself that you don’t even want to be in your own skin? Thoughts that you have done something wrong or something that you should or shouldn’t have done. Mind continually searching and racing, but never quite putting your finger on it. Your senses are unnaturally heightened, even your hair can feel the air around it, the slightest of touch feels on your skin feels like sand paper, teeth are sensitive to the point it feels like the enamel is peeling off. Eyes are straining to cope with the light; hearing is picking up every noise.

All I want some days is to stop, to stop being so annoyed at myself. I know I have to live with stuff and deal with it the best way I can, but it would be so nice if for once I wasn’t so damn hard on myself.

Ive been bit

Boy does it itch too, I can see most of the day I will have my boots off! Either that or its a reaction to the antibiotics im on, says can give you hives, arnt hives meant to be itchy? Not going to google them as if they are horrible it will make me feel worse. Tooth still hurting, not long til the hour of hell now. Not sure I will be able to keep my mouth open for an hour. Actually as he was checking my teeth he was reading out the ones that are missing. I have a few teeth missing 8's are gone and some 6's think he said a 4 too, this is due to the fact that apparently I have a small mouth so all my teeth didnt fit into it. Had a brace as I was growing up, that was fun!

Oh well, best take the a/b's then get ready for work, soon be friday..whoo hooo

weird

Had to come back on and post this whilst the ole memory serves me well. Was just outside when I heard something fly into the budleia, it also caught my eye too, not something flying about at this time of night, ok possibly a robin as I do hear them here quite late, but the sound and the movement was too big in my opinion. Went in to get the torch, had a good look round and nothing to be seen. Suppose it could have been a robin, but it really did sound and move bigger than that. Too early for bats I would have thought.....hmmm more mysteries

rolling rolling rolling

Well I have to pay for the teeth in some way, without sacrificing other stuff, so Im back on the rollies! Not too bad, plus will save me a hell of a lot of money. Only thing was they only had green papers and I prefer the red ones. Im sat here now rolling up a few for the evening and some for tomorrow, this takes me back a few years, when I was at college and the various times Ive been to skint to buy fags!

On another note, on the way to work this morning, there was a starling sat in the guttering doing the most oddest of things, it was sat calling whilst rotating one wing over and over again….any ideas?

Nearly met the new area director today but was engaged so he left me a nice note of well done ness instead. It’s been a funny day, not really busy so been faffing about a lot, having a few laughs which is always nice to do, not very productive but needed every now and then.

Also had the macro lens out at lunch time so will see how the photos come out, I found a very small bug to take photos of so am looking forward to seeing how they come out. It was really tiny so im not expecting great photos, but it was fun trying to get them.

Well best roll some more smokes, at least this way I might be able to spare the money to go out some where this w/e…Horaaaaay!!

OUCH!!!!!!

Mostly I am a very placid laid back kind of a girl, I do not enjoy being mean to others, im not aggressive in the slightest, too be honest I cant be bothered normally. There are some things that do get my goat though. Like this morning, a car didn’t stop at the zebra crossing; he went straight past me then parked a little down the road. This to me is so rude, plus you are meant to stop at them.

As I walked past he was getting out the car, I though about asking him if he actually saw the crossing or knew what one was, but I was feeling quite mellow this morning, so settled on an evil glare, he looked back at me, he knew why he was being glared at. That mainly is the extent of me being cross with some one then it’s forgotten in an instant.

Later that day, some one showed me their aggression. There isn’t many times that I have felt scared in my job, the branch I work in has pretty much all nice people that come in so don’t really get any hassle. However today a man decided that as I wouldn’t do his request he would have a go. The door got the brunt of his aggression and my table as he pushed it towards me, he was muttering stuff too. The door is one of these automatic ones but he managed to bash it against the wall. Nice huh!?! Still never mind.

All this and I have chronic toothache! Now since being here Ive never registered with a dentist, mainly due to it’s never crossed my mind and the nightmare I had when I had my wisdom teeth taken out: I tell you waking up too soon, pulling out the padding and 3 infections later is enough to put anyone off. I don’t really suffer with tooth problems, wash them twice a day, use mouth wash and I floss. This pain though was unbearable, all up my lower jaw, not good.

After a ring round I find a close by dentist, private (of course), but I went after work to see him. Nice chap, south African, was struggling to understand what he said, in fact I answered some questions completely wrong and he looked at me a bit odd. Anyway turns out the filling I had done about 4 years ago, was over filled, which has meant that it is killing the nerve (?). An abysses is forming (oh joy) under the tooth, which is causing the pain. Treatment, an hour next week having root work or something like that. Sounds painful to me I know that much. Ive also been given 2 types of anti-biotic to take before then. Christ dentists are expensive!! He said my other teeth were good so at least no problems there. In the end though it will cost about £270!!!!

Did think about sending the new lens that I got today, but after a short play at lunchtime I just couldn’t as I love it. So fast and quiet too. Such a good lens.

So my plans of going out this w/e to either Beds to see the flutters or Cambridge for spring flowers will have to be shelved 

Something on cam

Mouse cam, there is one just behind it too. Nice to get something on the cam to watch whilst im here invoicing at 10 pm..... Really need to sort the cam out more though it can do with being a bit closer, if I can get it right for the meeces then the hogs will be much better.

Sunshine!!!!!!

At last some sunshine to start the day with makes all the difference to the horrid dreaded Monday! Boss is back today so will have to fill her in on whets been happening, not much to be fair, but there is a few things I will need to tell her about, only had one “discussion” with some one so that’s not too bad for me.

Oh Ive placed an order at warehouse express this morning, all by myself too. Just hope that ive chosen the right one and yes I checked that it said Nikon fit firstly. Oh spring hurry up and get here so all the bugs come out, you probably don’t need more of a hint than that!! This will be the last purchase for a while, apart from extension tubes that ive seen recommended, but don’t think they are very expensive, plus maybe some more memory and another spare battery. Also think that I need a bigger bag now!

Ive only ordered it as I know what will be in my pay packet in April so it will more than cover the new lens, although why I feel I have to justify my spending I don’t know!!! I work hard for my money, the bills will be paid etc etc.

If I could find a way to make money from the camera then that would be even better! I could be available for weddings, birthdays and ………..

head hurts

I much prefer to go out to the pub with blokes rather than women (sorry), but it’s much easier as there is no pretence or agendas it’s just drinking and watching the talent. I rather like the fact that their little egos are instantly boosted with a pint and the fact that they automatically think they stand a chance with every woman in the room! Most of the night was spent with me saying “no chance” to have the reply “if I did ………” the rest is too rude for me to put on here.

Too be fair they were picking out men for me too. Pretty boys with weird shaped arses though, Im not really into pretty boys, I like a man to be a man and use fewer products than me in the bathroom, plus not to be too worried about how his hair looks.

Anyway it was a good evening, but due to the fact that I haven’t really drunk in about 3 weeks, the little I had last night has caused for a slight overhang this morning, my head is a bit like cotton wool, so will take it easy today.

Phill has gone off to Baku for 3 weeks, a flying visit from him, but when he comes back he has promised to cut the grass and sort a few things in the house. I now just need to sort out the explosion he has left behind in the house.

Yesterday was good fun at Barnes, the weather was lovely, I was struggling at several points with the urge to run, nothing to do with where or who I was with at all, just the way I was feeling, but I am so glad I stuck with it, as everyone was lovely, plus we saw some cool birds.

Well today the weather is shite so not so sure I will be going out today; it’s nice though when you can have a day at home pottering about, I haven’t really got anything that needs to be done urgent. I have some moon photos I need to look at and put on other blog. Need to make some plans, plus need to re-build my wall again, think I am going to make it a lot higher and tougher this time around, so it’s much much stronger.

Well that’s about it for now..

barnes again

Another trip to barnes,with pete, anna, mark, eb, malcom and hugh, the weather was glorious, much better than I thought it was going to be when I awoke in the morning. Anyway I was on my best behaviour, the others im sure will post up lists of what was seen. Will put photos on other blog later and finish this as I need to go get ready to go ooot to the pub!

catch up

Monday

Well after Sunday it was a nice break not to blog or feel I had to blog, or even chat. Sorry. Still I do miss putting down my crap into words. Sometimes I think that I perhaps am too open on the blog, Christ you wouldn’t even have to talk with me to know whats going on or how I am feeling. I know that some people do prefer this option, makes me sad.

I think the reason why I crashed was mainly due to having time on my hands, the weather was crap the chores all done and I was left with nowt to do. So, I started to listen to some music and reminisced, read through old cards that had been sent, looked back over the blog, good times and bad times. Think I just got myself in a tizzy, worrying about the could have beens and the what ifs, instead of thinking straight. I long for little in my life, very little indeed. Money doesn’t really bother me, I earn enough to pay the bills and follow my hobbies, plus look after anything wild that decides to descend on me. Guess I am lonely again, guess I won’t do anything about it again; it takes me so long to actually get over some one that it’s scary to get involved.

I know that if I don’t take the plunge then how will I ever know, but when you have had your fingers burnt too many times, you kind of stay away from the cooker. I just couldn’t bear for my hopes and dreams to be shattered again. Then I think well im not that bad a catch, ok im not too much of an ugly bug, im loyal and quite loving in the right owners hands. Plus im practical, don’t often have fits of girlyness. Then I am also hugely independent, and then I also love to share. Ideally I would like to meet some one with at least a love of nature, GOO GOD; this is starting to sound like an advert!!

Well work has been ok, my pc broke again today, so had the excuse that I couldn’t really do much. Came home via the shop, stir-fry for dinner..yum. Did some boxing, but had to stop as when I was doing some kicking, a little gas escaped my erm arse and made a noise, gave me a fit of giggles, but was nice to laugh.

Well I will save these blogs then put them on when I feel ready again, I actually am starting to feel some what better, but I am going to take a bit more time off.


Tuesday 27 Feb.

As I sit here writing this, it’s another sunny bright day…NOT. All this rain is really starting to get on me a bit. Was just outside and noticed that it’s not going to be long now until I have to cut the grass again, first cut is the deepest, oh no that’s wrong isn’t it. One of the jobs I hated over summer was cutting the grass, now I know that there isn’t much to cut really, but it’s still a pain.

I should of course be preparing for the presentation I am giving on Wednesday evening. At least I should read up on what it is, think it will be a last minute job again, it’s a good job that I am a practised blagger that’s all I can say.

Bird news, the wren is feeding more and more from the garden, not sure if there is two or just one, but to hear its lovely song in the morning is really helping me. There really is nothing like nature to give you that buzz. Dunnocks are doing there odd mating thing, for apparently shy, drab birds they don’t half make up for it in the bedroom.

My dreams have calmed down a bit. Last couple of nights they have been mainly about me having sex with various people from my past, but in odd locations, I can handle that as long as they don’t return to how they was before. Actually last night I was also a local swimming hero……truth is im not a good swimmer at all, dislike chlorine, and makes my eyes sting.

Well, that’s it for now, best get ready for another day at work, got pile of paper work to get though, just hope my pc doesn’t break down today.

Well I went through 3 pc’s today, must get test for static electricity, think its me that has the problem. Managed to fix my own for now, so hopefully it will all be working ok tomorrow, felt like a nomad today wandering from pc to pc.

Oh I have also volunteered my services at a local school, to help with their garden club, they are only tots, but at present it isn’t very structured, so am thinking of lots of things they can grow, also add some nature aspect to it too. I am hoping that it becomes and after school club, just need to convince my boss that me having a couple of hours off in the afternoon, possibly once a fortnight is a good thing to do! I am sure she won’t mind at all. Oh and Im not doing this to get the time off work!! I am actually quite excited about it; thinking of all the stuff we can grow, want to get the nature aspect in too.

Oh crap I forgot to bring the stuff home that I am meant to be giving a presentation on tomorrow night, crap crap crap crap crap…

Wednesday 28 Feb

Was thinking today about when I was going to start publishing again on blogger, weird how I am keeping this up, but not actually publishing. It’s like I am having a secret life, well almost.

Today was horrific in the pc stakes, in the end I couldn’t log onto any pc at all, so was a bit annoyed really, but eventually the problem was all fixed, so peace restored once again.

Docs was ok, he thinks I am worrying too much about getting the way I was again, which is why this episode has affected me so much. He is keeping me on the same level of meds, but has got me to fill out a questionnaire. He is so funny, he was telling me a joke, but I just didn’t get it, so was doing the whole polite laughter thing, but he was cracking up. He also asked about my tiredness, whilst yawning, which of course started me off!!! He was chuffed that I had followed his advice on the other stuff and also looked at my eyes again for me. All in all, I have another review in 4 months, unless I feel like I am really slipping then I have to go back.

I will see how I go, the old dark stuff has been coming back, which is why I think that I have been sleeping, that way I can switch it all off and don’t have to listen to my head anymore. Sometimes that’s the only way that I can survive.

Presentation went well, all off the cuff as normal, at some points I was thinking, oh god I wish I have read it before hand, but managed to deal with all the questions, so that wasn’t too bad. Feeling tired again now, but I am trying to not sleep before dinner, nightmares are still the order of the night, but I am pleased to say that they are not as sick as they have been of late.

Well, still not feeling like I want to publish this, so will save it again.


Crap crap crap, phill is back Friday and has asked about his b’day tea!! Crap forgot I will have to “pretend” that ive had it organised for ages!! Oh well I know where I can get him something from, best get baking a cake too

Thursday 1 March

Today has ended very thought provoking for me, I always like to be challenged, its what I most thrive on really.

The morning started well, lovely sunshine, instantly felt lifted, bird song filling my ears, warmth of the sun on my face, didn’t want to be anywhere else in the world at that moment.

Day was ok, some arsey people who like to tell me how to do my job, they never win, but they always try….

Anyway one of my customers is a doctor, he works at the local hospital, really nice chap, the type of person you can instantly see is so kind you could just reach out and hug him. Well we was talking about doctors and stuff, he has invited me to go to the dept he works in, walk round speak to the patients etc. Apparently some people go up there and pray with the patients, but I don’t have to do that if I don’t want too. He works in mental health, he doesn’t know of my recent problems and I didn’t tell him.

When I next see him I am going to arrange a time I can go up there. Not sure if there will be much I can do, I can talk and listen. As he puts it, these people have been rejected and forgotten by society, the ones we want locking away, the ones that we think are mad. Is that really true? Mental health is such a tricky subject, I do think that people are scared of the subject, after all it’s seen as madness, which in turn is unpredictable, which could lead to harm. Im not so sure I think this, maybe as I suffer myself, after all am I not mad? I am on meds to sort out the imbalance in my brain, am I not the same as them? Should I be rejected by society?

Makes you think, it really does. I have no grand thoughts that I am going to be able to share any wisdom or help or cure these people, I also suppose that in some ways it will help me in the way that I can put into perspective my own illness, which maybe will help. I want to understand more about it, more about how the brain I guess works, how it then doesn’t work for some of us, so we feel like this.