Im so irritable and fed up again. I wish I could just flip a switch and it all be ok again. The signs are so clear when Im getting another episode that I instantly dread the next few days or weeks, or however long it decides to last. Then of course there is the guilt, I mean why should I feel guilty about having these, I feel guilty about writing them down on here. After all if anyone is sick of reading about my depression there are plenty of other blogs to read.

Inside my head I am screaming, screaming for it to stop and for it all to go away. Something’s make me so angry, things I don’t have any control over, but still cant get the anger to go away, cant get it out my head and gone for good. I feel cheated, that I can’t act “normally” therefore have the normal life I think others are having.

Disappointed in myself and others. I feel sorry for myself, then anger at my self pity. After all why do I think that I have it that bad, or worse than others? What right do I have to that? But then why should I feel like that, why can’t I feel sorry for myself. Why can’t I just close the curtains, not leave the house, not go anywhere or speak to anyone ever again if that’s what I feel like doing. I want to hide, but I don’t want to keep hiding my emotions, hiding how I really feel. I want to recognise them and shout them out. I FEEL CRAP.

I want to cope with how I feel, some how manage it; keep on top of it, live with it. I don’t want to keep beating myself up. I don’t want to keep having feelings of self loathing and worthlessness. I want to be even not odd. I want to be able to switch off my head so I can relax.

I don’t want people to tell me it will be ok.

I don’t want people to feel sorry for me.

I don’t want this battle every day.

I just don’t want to be depressed anymore.