02 March 2007

catch up


Well after Sunday it was a nice break not to blog or feel I had to blog, or even chat. Sorry. Still I do miss putting down my crap into words. Sometimes I think that I perhaps am too open on the blog, Christ you wouldn’t even have to talk with me to know whats going on or how I am feeling. I know that some people do prefer this option, makes me sad.

I think the reason why I crashed was mainly due to having time on my hands, the weather was crap the chores all done and I was left with nowt to do. So, I started to listen to some music and reminisced, read through old cards that had been sent, looked back over the blog, good times and bad times. Think I just got myself in a tizzy, worrying about the could have beens and the what ifs, instead of thinking straight. I long for little in my life, very little indeed. Money doesn’t really bother me, I earn enough to pay the bills and follow my hobbies, plus look after anything wild that decides to descend on me. Guess I am lonely again, guess I won’t do anything about it again; it takes me so long to actually get over some one that it’s scary to get involved.

I know that if I don’t take the plunge then how will I ever know, but when you have had your fingers burnt too many times, you kind of stay away from the cooker. I just couldn’t bear for my hopes and dreams to be shattered again. Then I think well im not that bad a catch, ok im not too much of an ugly bug, im loyal and quite loving in the right owners hands. Plus im practical, don’t often have fits of girlyness. Then I am also hugely independent, and then I also love to share. Ideally I would like to meet some one with at least a love of nature, GOO GOD; this is starting to sound like an advert!!

Well work has been ok, my pc broke again today, so had the excuse that I couldn’t really do much. Came home via the shop, stir-fry for dinner..yum. Did some boxing, but had to stop as when I was doing some kicking, a little gas escaped my erm arse and made a noise, gave me a fit of giggles, but was nice to laugh.

Well I will save these blogs then put them on when I feel ready again, I actually am starting to feel some what better, but I am going to take a bit more time off.

Tuesday 27 Feb.

As I sit here writing this, it’s another sunny bright day…NOT. All this rain is really starting to get on me a bit. Was just outside and noticed that it’s not going to be long now until I have to cut the grass again, first cut is the deepest, oh no that’s wrong isn’t it. One of the jobs I hated over summer was cutting the grass, now I know that there isn’t much to cut really, but it’s still a pain.

I should of course be preparing for the presentation I am giving on Wednesday evening. At least I should read up on what it is, think it will be a last minute job again, it’s a good job that I am a practised blagger that’s all I can say.

Bird news, the wren is feeding more and more from the garden, not sure if there is two or just one, but to hear its lovely song in the morning is really helping me. There really is nothing like nature to give you that buzz. Dunnocks are doing there odd mating thing, for apparently shy, drab birds they don’t half make up for it in the bedroom.

My dreams have calmed down a bit. Last couple of nights they have been mainly about me having sex with various people from my past, but in odd locations, I can handle that as long as they don’t return to how they was before. Actually last night I was also a local swimming hero……truth is im not a good swimmer at all, dislike chlorine, and makes my eyes sting.

Well, that’s it for now, best get ready for another day at work, got pile of paper work to get though, just hope my pc doesn’t break down today.

Well I went through 3 pc’s today, must get test for static electricity, think its me that has the problem. Managed to fix my own for now, so hopefully it will all be working ok tomorrow, felt like a nomad today wandering from pc to pc.

Oh I have also volunteered my services at a local school, to help with their garden club, they are only tots, but at present it isn’t very structured, so am thinking of lots of things they can grow, also add some nature aspect to it too. I am hoping that it becomes and after school club, just need to convince my boss that me having a couple of hours off in the afternoon, possibly once a fortnight is a good thing to do! I am sure she won’t mind at all. Oh and Im not doing this to get the time off work!! I am actually quite excited about it; thinking of all the stuff we can grow, want to get the nature aspect in too.

Oh crap I forgot to bring the stuff home that I am meant to be giving a presentation on tomorrow night, crap crap crap crap crap…

Wednesday 28 Feb

Was thinking today about when I was going to start publishing again on blogger, weird how I am keeping this up, but not actually publishing. It’s like I am having a secret life, well almost.

Today was horrific in the pc stakes, in the end I couldn’t log onto any pc at all, so was a bit annoyed really, but eventually the problem was all fixed, so peace restored once again.

Docs was ok, he thinks I am worrying too much about getting the way I was again, which is why this episode has affected me so much. He is keeping me on the same level of meds, but has got me to fill out a questionnaire. He is so funny, he was telling me a joke, but I just didn’t get it, so was doing the whole polite laughter thing, but he was cracking up. He also asked about my tiredness, whilst yawning, which of course started me off!!! He was chuffed that I had followed his advice on the other stuff and also looked at my eyes again for me. All in all, I have another review in 4 months, unless I feel like I am really slipping then I have to go back.

I will see how I go, the old dark stuff has been coming back, which is why I think that I have been sleeping, that way I can switch it all off and don’t have to listen to my head anymore. Sometimes that’s the only way that I can survive.

Presentation went well, all off the cuff as normal, at some points I was thinking, oh god I wish I have read it before hand, but managed to deal with all the questions, so that wasn’t too bad. Feeling tired again now, but I am trying to not sleep before dinner, nightmares are still the order of the night, but I am pleased to say that they are not as sick as they have been of late.

Well, still not feeling like I want to publish this, so will save it again.

Crap crap crap, phill is back Friday and has asked about his b’day tea!! Crap forgot I will have to “pretend” that ive had it organised for ages!! Oh well I know where I can get him something from, best get baking a cake too

Thursday 1 March

Today has ended very thought provoking for me, I always like to be challenged, its what I most thrive on really.

The morning started well, lovely sunshine, instantly felt lifted, bird song filling my ears, warmth of the sun on my face, didn’t want to be anywhere else in the world at that moment.

Day was ok, some arsey people who like to tell me how to do my job, they never win, but they always try….

Anyway one of my customers is a doctor, he works at the local hospital, really nice chap, the type of person you can instantly see is so kind you could just reach out and hug him. Well we was talking about doctors and stuff, he has invited me to go to the dept he works in, walk round speak to the patients etc. Apparently some people go up there and pray with the patients, but I don’t have to do that if I don’t want too. He works in mental health, he doesn’t know of my recent problems and I didn’t tell him.

When I next see him I am going to arrange a time I can go up there. Not sure if there will be much I can do, I can talk and listen. As he puts it, these people have been rejected and forgotten by society, the ones we want locking away, the ones that we think are mad. Is that really true? Mental health is such a tricky subject, I do think that people are scared of the subject, after all it’s seen as madness, which in turn is unpredictable, which could lead to harm. Im not so sure I think this, maybe as I suffer myself, after all am I not mad? I am on meds to sort out the imbalance in my brain, am I not the same as them? Should I be rejected by society?

Makes you think, it really does. I have no grand thoughts that I am going to be able to share any wisdom or help or cure these people, I also suppose that in some ways it will help me in the way that I can put into perspective my own illness, which maybe will help. I want to understand more about it, more about how the brain I guess works, how it then doesn’t work for some of us, so we feel like this.


st said...

my brother is on meds for an imbalance, this does not make him or you any different, from me or any body else, he is self-employed, successful and married with children. his only problem is working to hard, at a computer.
my wife was proper ill recently,and it has taken her weeks to recover, this left her low. it takes a lot out of you.
the light nights are comming, the weather is(hopefully) going to improve.
take as much (me)time as you need, we all need it.
love both blog's cos your you.

Anonymous said...

Hey girl you done good! Way to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anna said...

Nice to have you back Nic... :)

oldcrow61 said...

I agree with what everyone else said. Great to have you back.

Pauline said...

We'r into March now, your hoggies should nt be long now, that will cheere you up.

nicola said...

thanks all for your comments.

st..me time is very much on the agenda now!!

anon, erm thanks

anna, nice to be back

oc, aww your lovely

pauline, i hope they are back soon, for all of us