I dont

understand why everything has to be so bloody complicated or difficult. There are so many people in my life that have such a crap time, I guess it affects me more as under this really hard exterior is quite a softy. I have had too much time on my hands of late, gives me too much thinking time. Not just about me, my life, where ive gone right or wrong, but others around me too. Whether it be through illness or just plain bad luck, there is just so much crap in life. Its at times like this I do try and turn to my faith, not just the religious sense, although I do believe there is something out there, plus I do believe we get more than one chance in this life, that our souls go up and wait til they find another shell to grow inside. Im kind of finding it hard right now though.

I know everyone has a purpose in life, we all have our parts to play, whilst some are more significant, they are all equally important. Id like to think that we all know what part we have played in our lives, maybe we never know, maybe thats the thing we keep striving to find our part, but dont realise when we have played it.

Oh ignore me, im just at another set of crossroads, trying to decide which turn to make. Fucking crossroads (not the tv programme) ive been here more times than I care to imagine. I got a b'day card from my mother yesterday, too be honest wasnt expecting one at all, but it sure did stir up a whole load of emotions that im just not ready to deal with. Sometimes I think, maybe I should go back and be part of the "family", hell Im an aunt and I dont even know what the baby is, let alone what its name is, or what its like, I know that I never will either as well Im not welcome there. But theres still my mother, my mum so many times ive asked her to just leave all that, so many times ive offered to help, but she never did, guess she never will, but I cant deal with her whilst she is still with them. Its too hard for me, too much has happened and is still happening that I cant even begin to think about let alone understand or accept. Why on earth she can is beyond me, but I still miss her, still miss having that relationship with her, even though at times Ive wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her. Guess you never loose that bond eh?

Plus this is just probably just my path through life, these are the cards Ive been dealt and I now have to make the best hand of them. If only I could just let go of some stuff I know I would feel so much better, but instead I guess I choose to keep beating myself up with it instead. Funny how you never really forget pain, but happiness can fade in an instant.

Oh I dont know the answers, Christ I dont even know the questions.

Still back to the original blog before all that came out. People in my life are very important to me, more important than I let on to be fair. Not all people, but the ones that I do care about, know that I am always there for them. Thats important to me, its important to me that others are happy, before my own happiness (no im not a saint). God this is sounding crap, I cant seem to put the right words together to make it sound like its in my head, guess thats my thought for not thinking and just opening up.

My head is so jumbled up right now, I know ive got choices coming up, I know I need to make them, I know something has to change, but what it is I dont know.