Driven mad

Well...Ive driven myself mad this w/e. Saturday was boring and quiet at work, went so slowly too. After work I did some shopping in toon, got some new jeans and a couple of tops. Also got some more orange chopped out my hair. Its now quite short I just know I will be swearing in the morning, my fault of course, I always say to cut it shorter than I actually want it too.

Got home felt crap so went to bed (didnt make it to house warming thing), got up about 7 ish, had some dinner, managed to weigh rocky who is still doing well. Then it hit me like a huge slap in the face, it came from no where at all. All of a sudden im on a huge downer. Overly criticising myself, my life, where it has been, where its not going. In the end I just wanted to scream SHUUUUT UUUUPPP. Couldnt sleep a wink as my head was all over the place, hate it when it comes like that. I was in tears and tears and tears. At one point I was wondering if I was ever going to stop crying.

Still Sunday morning came, I felt weak, but knew what I had to do. When you loose control the only way its to take it back, which is what I did. Spent a good 6 hours cleaning the house, re-organising, chucking out crap. I sugar-soaped the walls in the kitchen, cleaned out the cupboards, tackled the mould in the bathroom. I was like a woman possesed, but its one way I can regain some sense of worth again. Why it has to be I dont know. Why I just cant seem to like myself I dont know. Why I continually put myself down I dont know. I just dont know how to accept that I am who I am and that my life is how it is. Having stupid dreams of how I want it to be just dont help, as it hurts when reality comes mocking, telling you well actually thats not going to happen. I dont know I just wish I could even just tolerate myself.

Anyway...Ive been hearing a bird this w/e, couldnt figure out for the life of me what it was. Now being a bit mutton, hearing a bird is some what difficult as you cant tell which way the sound is coming from. Eventually I see it this afternoon, its a cockateil. Not in the garden but a bit down. I phoned the rspca who couldnt send some one out as the bird was still mobile. I walked down to where Id last seen it, but it was gone. Ive looked again for it but no sign. Poor thing out in the cold, the magpies were also taking an interest in it...

Guess Id best get on with some more stuff...