Ok Im not Ok

Well after several weeks of bawling my eyes out and any and most opportunites, followed by bouts of agitated hyperness, coupled with the looming doom cirlcling me, I made an appointment. Actually I tried in the afternoon to get one, but was full, so rang back and went as an emergency. Recpetionist asked me the reason for going, personal I replied.

I only rang as Ive started to cry at work, there is only so many times you can blame red puffy eyes on hayfever in winter! Anyway went down there, didnt get to see my doctor, but did see another one who was quite nice.

I found it weird that he asked me "what he could do for me". That was all it took, to be in tears again. Explained how I was finding it more difficult to cope with life right now, that id been fighting it for about 6 months or so, but to no avail. Went through my medical history what meds ive been on before, talked about family history, so I told him one uncle on meds another killed himself. He asked whether there was a trigger which there hasnt been. Even though im sat there and he is asking me these questions I still cant tell him how im really feeling, just will not come out. So he got these questions out that you have to rate yourself on, just like trouble sleeping or over sleeping, thoughts of faliure or self harm, that kind if thing. Its meant to score you as to the type of depression you have. He did say what type I had, but I cant remember now, but he did say cognative therapy would not do any good.

He said I either had a good car and I was a bad driver, or a good driver with a bad car, which apparently equals chemical in-balance. Think it was subsemia or something he said, really cant remember now. But he fact that I suffer from agitation, hyperactivity, then times of feeling very low and thinking im a faliure and that the world would be better off with out me, means I have that type.

Well I now have my box of happy pills, different from others ive taken, he said these are level 2, whatever that means. I have to take them for 6 months, but go back in 3 weeks to see how Im getting on with them. He also pointed out that the local hospital can help if I find im at that really low point.

Im not happy to be on them, but I need something as Im not coping. Even though I am a stubourn cow, I know when im beaten.

Well I need to fix the heel of my boot as its come loose, plus have the urge to clean the house. Look im not looking for sympathy by posting this, so dont leave any. Support yes, sympathy no..