I will...

...update soon promise, just so much bad stuff happened.

intermission

There is stuff to post, feelings to air, anger to shout. However im tired so very tired, stories will wait...enjoy the music instead...

Play this track

I bet you sang, smiled, tapped your feet or even got up and danced.

Oh and I am sorry you will be singing this now for a few days.....

Word is getting round...

...now have a black and white cat visitor, no collar on this one and is still quite shy, really hungry though, put some biscuits out and he/she finished in no time...soon I will have no bed for cats!!

Oh and Im ok by the way....lets hope I sleep tonight

Sleep

Had about 12 hours this week, Im feeling ok suprisingly, I am more resiliant than I thought!

Ninny has moved in....

Washing machine has packed up..

Oh well such is eh?

Doctor

I saw him last week, we are reducing the meds, think it is time that my head tried to deal with stuff again. I am worried of course, I have not slept for last 3 nights apart from an hour or two, my energy reserve is about to run out, no matter how tired I am as soon as I lay down, I am wide awake and irritated.

Feeling sad, but dont think that is too do with meds, I got email from government about strimmers and hogs and it was a load of fucking avoiding wiping our hands of crap. I hear stories about ppl that abuse hogs, set fire to them. A man that had a mum and new born hogs in garden and rang Derick to come get them else he would dig them up and put them out onto the road as he did not want them in his garden. I fucking wish I had been there, he would have had all barrels, I want his name and address to name and shame the bastard, sorry for swearing but it warrants it, I know you will understand.

Do I really want to bring a child into this world as it is right now? With fuck wits who are uncaring and not worried about anything apart from their own selves.

People who lie and cheat for their own gains, no matter what the outcome. To be selfish in my opinion is one of the worse traits a person can have. To just think of you own gain..

Im sad Im tired Im despondent, but have to try, have to try and make this life the people in my life be aware. Its all I can do.

Oh and why is it that it is so difficult for me to find love? Why is my life at a stand still, so still I am tripping over it. Others around and I do not begrudge anyone happiness, love..

Just when will be my turn huh?

Saturday night....

Been over to Phill and Sveta's, looked after Nata whilst they went shopping...

sorry this was going to be long post but I have just been sick and feel a little shakey will update soon....

Yes

....I have thought about adoption and one of my "life" plans was to adopt as well as have my own children...still is a plan one day.

Oh my hasnt the weather been lovely the last few days....set for rain now, still thats the way life goes huh?

I have to try

..........despite all my worried I have to see on this one, never has some one touched me so deeply...if I dont I will be full of what if's...never has my life been lived my what if's, if i get hurt then i get hurt.

better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all??????

He does love me, he is not an a.hole ha ha.

I cant not see where this goes, the way we found each other is fate, I dont live life with regrets and I am a brave soul...

Let you know Monday...

Love

Now it should be the one emotion that we all want in one form or another. Meant to be the best feeling to be loved and to feel love. We love our friends, our favourite song or food, or the man/woman we want to spend our life time with.

What happens in my reality though is I fall in love with the wrong ones, not bad ones all the time. In fact this one was completely the right one, I have never met some one that has been so in tune with me. Never met him I know, but the feelings were so real, the talk the laugh the sillyness, the teasing all real. As you know though he is married. I wanted to think really wanted to think that I could handle that.

I cant.

For some one that I have such strong feelings for (yeah I know it sounds mad) my soul mate (yeah I know), my one true love (if you dont believe that I do not care) the person I have been looking for all my life. How can I be with him when I would not want him to be else where.

Its when I lay down that it all comes crashing in. Where is he now, sharing a bed with some one else when he should be in mine. Of course I have no right at all to take him away. I strongly believe that if some one wants to leave their partner then it should be because they want to, not for some one else. I am the one that has the lonely bed, the being on my own and no number of texts or calls or chat could ever make up for that.

Knowing me like I kind of do, I will get and already am sulky over this. I will get demanding, demand more time, need and crave more time. Be with me be with me. The times he would be away with his family would kill me, why is it not me there with him. Why is it never fucking me??

Seriously is my life just one long piss take. Yep here is a great guy, one you connect with on all levels, but btw you cant and never will have him.

I have stopped this tonight, I can not bare the thought of my true love ending up hating and resenting me, which is what will happen, with all the will in the world that is what will happen.

I of course ask myself why I let myself get into this, plus why can I not take it at face value for what it is. Simple really ..

I just want some one that will love and only love me and be and only be with me..

Tears are rolling, but tomorrow is a new day, time to try and pick myself up again, gets harder each time now, especially as I know deep deep down in my heart there will never be a love like this was and could have been for me.

My life is a piss take and Im sick of it, this must be some cruel joke for me to fall like this, find the one and not be able to have.

I just can not keep doing this anymore.

Body tired....mind racing

Jan thanks for you comments, I really do appreciate them as this whirlwind is knocking me off my feet some what. I cant help it, the feelings are out of this world, from both sides. Now I have been hurt many times in the past and my initial reaction to any attention is too push away. Of course part of me says, this is crazy do not do it, do not have these feelings, stop now whilst you can (hmm). I have been through it in my mind time and time again.

Yes I could be taken for a ride (been there) could be just a sex thing, could be a weird man who gets off on this kind of thing. Could be the biggest mistake I ever make.

However, I trust these instincts and I do not feel or think that any of the above are true. It feels like I have come home, I am safe I am loved, I am wanted and cared for. Its amazing I have been waiting for this all my life and now its here, I have to take a chance on it..dont I...would you not?

This might sum it up for you,,

you know who you are

I know...im sorry

Hmmm update did not quite happen, ok holiday was cool, weather not bad. I got an all over tan (yes) uhm broke my phone on the last night..bugger! Now it feels a million years ago since I went!

Its been work work work, not sure about the new boss, I dont gel with her. I am finding it difficult at the moment, but I try and just get on with my job, sales are going well and im still a top girl in the area!

Hogs are happy, still no sign of Ruby but I like to think of her out there meeting a boy hog and making lots of baby hogs.

Ninny has practically moved in, I have tried to put her out, told her to go back to her owner but she keeps coming back..silly thing, plus I am allergic to her, not great when she chooses to sleep on my bed!

Phill, Sveta and Nata are fine, have not seen a lot of them this week as I have been trying to catch up with things here. Spoke to Phill earlier who mentioned this. I love being with them and they ask me every day, but I was finding I was getting behind on my chores so its been good to get some stuff done here.

Some times life throws up some surprises, this has been the case this week. I have been talking to a chap about (some of you will know what and I will blog it at some point) He has blown me away, instant connection which is rare and unnerving to a point. I am not sure what is going to happen, I have said what I would like and what I need, but of course its not that easy, this is my life remember...yeah he is married...However I would not break up a family, this is again a tough one..

Need shower, will try and update again very soon..

....

......holiday tummy.....loosing holiday fat fast...........

I am back...

...but I want to be away again, very quickly...run down of events, some good some not so.

I booked the holiday on the Sunday and early hours of Monday, Phill took me to Stanstead, much preferred than Gatwick or Heathrow thats for sure. Was minutes to missing the flight as the queue for security was so long, my flight had boarded and was just just just in time!! Managed to sleep most of the flight which was cool and I had 3 seats to myself. There was some people on the flight that I found very annoying but I am really trying to stop thinking in that way..

Got to the other end and all was fine. I got my taxi and still half asleep I was taken to the place I was staying...and YES they had my booking and I got a wonderful room, really big, my own HUGE private balcony, air-con, fridge etc etc All good I am thinking, weather also nice.

I was very tired the first few days, think thats always the way, body just needs to shut down, brain switch off and forget about lots of things, well thats me anyway. Found the first three days I mainly slept by the pool on the beach or in my room, I did not even really eat for those days.

Eventually my body and brain came back to me and I was able to then venture out a little more. There was not that much to do or see in the place I was staying at..oh Portugal by the way..ha ha...Caveriro to be exact but to be honest that was what I was looking for, if there had of been lots and lots to do, I would have beaten myself up for taking time out and relaxing by the pool reading, or going for walks with no real purpose.

Weather wise, it was not so bad, many people were moaning that it was cloudy or that we had an afternoon of rain. But mostly it was hot and sunny, I even sun bathed topless!!! Food was excellent. I only had breakfast in the hotel, which was ok, again people moaned, but what do they expect..if they wanted the traditional english breakfast why go away to another country that does not get the same type of food that we do. They moaned at having to wait to get to the drink machine, moaned if they had to wait 3 mins to get a table, maybe they should get up earlier, I never really had the same problems. I wish though that they could be taped and have it played back to them, they might realise how silly they sound. But as I said earlier I am trying to be less critical of others, none of us are perfect, but petty moans do make me mad.

Another thing though, is women are odd, they are on their sun loungers (yes I was an early type that put my towel out and I am not ashamed to admit it!) Sun is out they are in bikinis or swim suit, sun is covered by cloud they get dressed, trousers, top etc...two mins later sun is out, they undress, two mins later cloud they dress again...whats that all about??

Well I will finish this tomorrow as I am tired, had crap bad day and just want to have nice bath and put head down...to be continued..

Passport is packed

Im off to spend a week on a beach, hope the weather is kind to me...really need to recharge the old batteries...have house and hog sitter coming..yay..best get ready to fly..see you soon...

not sleepy

Its gone 4 am, been on Internet for good while now....catching up on stuff, looking at stuff.

Forgot to say on previous blog I am teaching Nata!!! You would not imagine what she has to know before school in September, has to be able to read, write, add up etc...different in my day!! Plus now its all the phonics, I am learning that myself at the moment.

Remember this is a four year old Russian girl, her English is coming along a treat, but I am working hard and some times a little mean with her when she wont sit and learn..I take away her gold stars..yeah sounds mean, but she is behind as she is not English and I will not have that. Not as I want her to be some child genius, but I know how hard school is, as we all do and if you are different or behind, sorry but you don't have much chance plus it leaves you open..

Nata is a bright girl though and is picking it up lovely, we are doing numbers right now. However some she does right backwards as some Russian is written backwards. Good job they are sponges at this age..we are also learning a little french, I want the best for her, want her to be a success, have a real happy and fulfilled life. That is why I spend so much time with them..they are my family. For once I have a real family that cares and loves me. They want to spend time with me, its hard for me to deal with at times as I am not used to it, but I do really enjoy it. The feelings that I am part of that family an important part makes me smile big time!!

Its letters soon....OH BOY that will be hard I know...

Honest....

...guv's I am ok, really well apart from...

Finally clearing the sinus infection after 4 weeks of hell, to start hay fever season. Had to go docs and get a pump to stop the coughing and near choking. Also my blood pressure is slightly high, but dont think its to worry about, thing as I have a lot of nervous energy and do not easily relax is the reason. For my dizziness and fainting spells, which he puts to the fact I had the sinus thing and bad ear ache he has given me some pills which have worked a treat, they are for vertigo and anxiety...at least now my forehead will be saved another cut from walking/falling into the door...yeah a bonny sight I am!

Having no man again, Im ok about, I miss him of course but well if it was meant to be and all that...

Ninny woke me this morning, she must have come in through the window again in the night. Having paws pad you first thing, when you are not expecting it is odd I can tell you. I rang her owner just to see if she had run off again and also to tell him that she was here in the night. He seems happy that I am not a cat hater and shouting at him!! I could not knowingly hurt any animal. Plus much better than any alarm clock...at least he knows I guess that if she is this way she will not get harmed. She is a wanderer, which does still surprise me as she is way too affecionate for a cat..

Work is ticking along, still not sure what to do..

Not really been out of late, still giving myself time..

I have the week off next week....wonder what I will do..?

tough in it

thats life right now. I am ok please do not worry, but recent events have left me a little sad and thinking. Not sure but think a move would be god, but I thought I had stopped running away from stuff that I can not handle.

Its a no win no loose thing. Tonight for a little thing that was given to me I started to cry and I liked it, was a release, have not cried for a while for a reason and it reminded me of man. Guess I just felt lonely and again on my own, which is ok as I know the reasons why, but not easy for me to put here.

Some times I just want some one in the near to me way say "how are you" not just can you do this and this is not right or can you do this. Some times the old brave face does not want to keep coming out.

Still maybe I just need to fuck off some where, that seems very tempting.....

Oh and I am fine by the way....

Good and bad

I left a message on the phone of he owners of ninny, he called me tonight. He lives over the road, apparently she likes to wander. Odd though he says that he was putting her food out but she was coming over here to eat the hog food. He was happy to have her back which was good, but I will miss her, even though today I did keep putting her out and telling her to go home, to only have her jump back through the window!!

Oh well...

Loose a man gain a......

Ginger cat..now this cat has always hung around, many a time I have saved from the road etc...imagine my shock when I found her in the hog feeding station!!

Now she has figured out that she can jump up and through the window and has spent the last few nights asleep with me on my bed. She has a tag but the last time I called there was no answer. I do not know what to do.

Ninny as she is called is so affectionate, I can not believe that she would stray from home as she cuddles up right close to my face and sleeps on my legs so I can not move!

If I ring again, I do not know what to say, I have given her a little food, but she comes in for the fuss more than the food...what do I say? Or shall I just enjoy the company? She can go whenever she wants as she comes and goes via the window...

What shall I do??

spoke too soon

am single again!!!!

Quick update

as I must be off to bed soon, but realised that I have not updated blog for ages!! One reason is my new family, I spend probably 4 or so nights there a week. Nata is lovely and man does she have some energy or what! She has started nursery and loves it, even though on her first day she asked the other kids to be her friends, but they said no..she was asking in Russian tho!!

Sveta and Phillip are ok, its going to be hard as they need to settle into the whole married life thing, I feel for them I really do they have been thrown into it as they could not do it any other way, still I am there to support as much as I can. Sveta wants another baby, she is 38 and I understand her need to get this going, also she wants to have wedding here and nata christened, plus decorate house! This has over whelmed Phill so much, I know him too well so I know when his head is too full. Still this is for them to work out. However I do nip him in the bud when he is being sarcastic or mean, he asked me too so I do that!

We all went to Shepreth on Monday, no camera as I knew that I would be pulled from pillar to post, which I was. I am aunt Nicola. I love it, but man does it tire me out!!

Uhm Ruby was released have not seen her for a bit now, I am worried but not much that I can do really. Have 2 others coming and the other night had one in to remove some tics, they was in his ears poor thing, not the easiest place either to get at I can tell you. Still we managed to get them all out.

Have new boss at work, she is very sales orientated, very much come on lets do it! Or you better have a better day tomorrow! I am ok for now though as I am number 2 in the area out of about 45-50 sellers. For now I am safe but you can never be complacent enough to relax! Still the money is good, I will keep doing it for now, but I really do want a change again.

The love life....well dont want to say too much as dont want to jinx it, but will say I am happy. I am happy with the way things are going, its cool being relaxed and having a laugh with some one. Plus the kissing, holding hands and cuddling is cool. We are also going away for a night (hopefully) soon. I know that we are not serious serious and I will admit I did have a problem with this initially, but to be honest its like we meet for the first time each time. I feel wanted and cared for and thats good enough for me right now, plus well the other stuff..OH YES YES YES!

Uhm so all in all life is ok right now, ticking along nicely, still cant get rid of the nagging feeling that some thing will go wrong or it will all end, but guess that is because of how its been in the past. Another reason why it is good that we are not serious serious as I should not get hurt if it all goes tits up. We will see.

Ok off to bed for me..

How come???

When you are single there is a baron desert?

When you are sort of involved in cool way, the offers come in?

Oh thanks btw for the comments on boo, really helped me

Am I

Happy or sad?

You will note the date and probably the time I am writing this. Its been on my mind a while as the date has seemed to have come around so quickly yet seems an age ago now.

Seems like it was years since I was chatting with Boo, not sure why, as there is not many a day when I do not think about her, some thing happens and I think oh I must tell her she will laugh and then I remember Boo has gone. Then I think how lucky I have been to have known such a kind and giving person, even if for a short time, some people dont get that all their lives.

I like to think that everything happens for a reason, we meet people for a reason, we have our life stuff for a reason. I just can not think why she had to pass though and I wish and wish I had known her sooner. I wish I had done more to help her when she needed it most, but as we all know she never really told us how difficult it had got or how ill she was, I am sad about that.

Some times I find myself talking to her in my head, asking her what I should do and ask her for a sign, maybe wishful thinking but I do always get them in one way or the other. Maybe I will see a bird that she liked or some lettering that has her name, its hard to explain and yeah maybe I have been looking for it, but I can and will not accept that her soul and spirit has demised with her body. Boo has to be out there some where, probably not playing a harp or chasing the devil, but her spirit was so strong she cant be gone I just can not think that she is not the wind whistling in the trees, or the bird song that wakes me up at silly o'clock.

I do think of the good stuff I read her blog and laugh at her humour and wit and I want to celebrate her life. My thoughts are also with her family they must miss her so much I know we do.

A great lady passed a year ago, pleas do take the time even if just one minute and remember her. Also please leave a comment about your best boo moment. I would love to read them and remember them.

As for you boo, I think about you, you know I still talk to you and I am sorry for asking lots from you. But I miss you.

I miss you


I miss you

Yeah

I know.....but there has been so much going on its been unreal!! Ok point form will be easier..

1. I have been ill, its been combination of stress, being run down getting all bugs going and not having any time off since September!! So had some time off to re-charge the old batteries. I am feeling much better now tho!

2. Phillip and family are back! Been spending time with them, trying to help as much as I can...Nata has been great and we spend most time together...but it is hard as she cries when ever I leave...really pulls on the heart strings, but I am so pleased they are here. I have my family back and I love them immensely.

3. Work busy busy busy 6 day weeks, but hey its overtime.

4, Man...yeah still on scene and all I can say is its good and I enjoy what we have.

5. 3 hogs up in the garden, Ruby still asleep..still not sure what to do with her as yet, but as it has been cold not too worried.

6. Few arguments with bt and the billing, but Im trying not to get stressed these days ha ha

7. Hayfever kicking in, which is lovey!

8. I have review soon with doc and I want to start reducing the pills, I feel ready.

9. Life is moving on at 200 mphs, which is cool but some times I miss the slow stuff.

10. Boo will be gone a year on the 20th.....seems such an age ago now, but I know she is keeping an eye on us all.



well, think thats all for now, will try and update more often, but well...I will try

Ha Ha

Yeah the sex fairy did come.....mind I was looking hot...new scarlett underwear, painted nails and toe nails...hair up with tumbling curls and an oriental style dressing robe (short)...he was lost for words when he came in...candles lit we had a goooooood time!!

Still im not going to move too fast and I will take each day as it comes...but I cant get the smile of my face expecially with the texts he sends...mmm

Anyway, ruby still asleep, but 2 hogs up in the garden...yay! Checked em both over and they are fine.....good news all round I would say...now back to that smiling..

Oops

Forgot to update!! Uhm well where shall we start? Was trying to think of the last update I said he was coming round....well I did not feel well so went to bed..ha ha!!! Think too much excitement?

Anyway, he came monday and it was cool, talked and stuff........

Still not sure what is happening but I am happy to be in his company for now...oh and OMG!!!

He

is coming round....its ben hard but will blog more tomorrow....wish me luck eh...think I deserve it....?

time flies

Boy does it! Not sure where the last week went!

Well it has been mainly work, so many late nights, avoiding the horrible weather, Ruby has been hibernating so is still in the shed! Thanks for your comments, I would never show him the blog, its difficult to explain, but it was I guess for the best. I do think that everything happens for a reason and that we meet people in our life for a reason. Most people that I have had meaningful interaction with I could say what the reason was, yeah you could say that looking back I am just picking a scenario, true. With him though I am not sure, maybe it was to show me that I could feel wanted and desired for me. Crikey many times I was not wearing make up and in my scruffs!! Dont know, I am still a bit hurt, which I know it was only a short time, but there was a connection from the first moment I met him.

However I am trying to think positively about it and enjoy the stuff we did. It wasnt just me pushing away, it would have been hard for us to be together and if the time was different....

Phill and Sveta still have no news about the visa, he has been away nearly a month, he is bored and wants to get back to work, I think he will be back soon, even if they are turned down, I do hope they are not.

Oh well, best be off to bed, very tired....yawn....

its late

You know im not even sure if anyone reads this anymore, not that is important as such, as some times I need to just get some shite down. Not really sure why this helps, but in many ways it does. I know of many others that it helps by just typing their thoughts...weird how many of us cant say to close mates and the like how we feel. Yet on the Internet it does not matter, we can say anything we like as the odds of meeting people that read it are slim, although I have met a few.

Even the ones we meet we hide away what we are really thinking or feeling, yeah we put it on here, but we don't put the whole stuff do we? There is always some thing that we hold back, the personal part, the venerable part that can lead us to be hurt, we hide that, but why?

I have been hurt in relationships, family and friendships more times than I could ever even manage to write about. Im hurting now.

Why? Oh man I let some one in with out even knowing it, they snuck up on me, it does probably help they were the same star sign as me, I just understood where he came from and what he was saying. We laughed, we had fun, we talked, we hugged, we kissed we made love and it was the best I have ever had ever ever ever, man I cant even think how to describe the feeling that he gave me. Not just sex but a kiss on the back of the neck, a hand hold, brushing the hair from my face and boy could he kiss.

However we split up as I did the normal nicola thing, I pushed and pushed to find the boundaries and pushed him away. I have been thinking about it tonight, as to why I do this. I guess I want to get in first, so many times I have been rejected or told I am not good enough or a liar or a tease (long story) which I am not, I am just me a very fucked up kid that is looking for some one to love her, but love her in the way she is comfortable with.

The way she can control it, as in the person does not get too close. The way in which I act like a twat and test some ones weaknesses to the point they either come back or don't and most dont. I dont like doing it, but thats me. I dont want to get all "I blame my parents" etc, but I grew up with wanting love and getting love but not how I wanted, or needed and now its too late as I have cut them out my life, which in many ways has helped me as I am much more stable, but its still there. I just dont understand so much. Why my mum stopped with a man that would beat his children, why he never showed love to me, why they used to fall out, he would get so angry. It scares me now getting angry as I do not want to end up like him, I check myself.

Trust me its hard as I have such a temper inside of me, anyone would say that I am very laid back an patient, but some times I Boil inside, but I dare not let it out in case I end up like him, but even worse I do not want to end up like her, knowing her children are so un happy and knowing whats going on but not doing anything about it. I just cant get that out of my head and never will and that is why I take the pills!!! Block it all away.

Oh well I finish now, I am listening to Pink Floyd, does not get better than that...

Blimey

I am really getting rubbish at keeping this blog updated!!! Think as am out more and enjoying other stuff I dont always have time to blog, I normally check my emails, check the hog forum and then there is something else I need to do.

Well I still have my cold, seems to be lingering nicely! Work is fine I am doing a lot of training for new staff, tires me out but its ok..

Going to have to cut this short just had a call and some one is on their way round..............thats another blog..

Back to the drawing board

and that was that.....not going to go into too much detail, but men are weird and odd. One day one day one day

loverly day

Sun is out, birds are singing, real sense that spring is on its way! Im of course stuck inside doing book work..oh well has to be done! At Phills, checked the spawn all seems ok with them, still think that it might be a bit cold for them, but guess nature knows best!

I am going out for dinner tonight with a couple of friends, should not be too much of a late one as work tomorrow, no doubt we will goto the Italian, I will behave myself dont worry!

Jan, you better tell me about yours too.

ok

Have to share im happy!!! Never thought that an online dating site would find me anyone searched through the profiles and then got a message from some one that I can talk to, laugh with and its cool, really is cool........we have swapped numbers, yeah I know it could be too quick and all that. We are meeting up at the end of this month for dinner, am so excited, I of course will play it safe etc etc...but hey watch this space!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Need you

http://www.blythwildliferescue.co.uk/campaign1/

Please goto the above link and sign the petition for FREE vetenary treatment for all wildlife, also please put on your blogs too...thanks

hmm

Was going to talk about something else tonight, but have decided not too as well I dont really want too, yeah makes a lot of sense huh? Anyway, been one of them w/e's where you find your self evaluaing whats important in life, think I got kind of lost for a while. Back to the drawing board on a few things. I dont know, some times I think if I try and be more like this then that will happen and vice versa. I guess what it really is, is that Im not that keen on being me, whoever me is!

Anyway, saw my frog spawn today, there isnt that much of it, but all seems to be going well so far. Looking forward to lots of taddies, then some frogs..yay! Have had visits this w/e of a pair of Jays, they really are lovely birds, too quick and shy for the camera, but I might get them when they are coming for the monkey nuts. Dont know why but I always think of them as exotic birds, must be the colouring?

Oh some of you may notie that my typing as gone to pot, its not me its the laptop, you have to hit the keys so hard and Im not used to doing that, the spell checker thing on here also does not seem to work, think I have a pop up blocker some where, even tho I cancelled them on blogger...I dont know.

Well as we are set for snow, ruby will not be released yet...just thought do I have to do anything with the spawn if it snows? Now Im worried lol.. Christ I will have them tucked up in individual nurseryies soon.!

Oh well best be off and eat..

oh forgot to say

Ruby will be released soon...

Phills pond has had frogs and now I will become a frog mum..yay

It must be the drugs

I do actually feel better today, so what to do? I know after talking to oc and Jan last night I joined one of them online dating sites!!! Yeah it must be the beechams.....I have had 2 messages already! Although not sure that it will come of any good, there is one chap on there that is cute I have sent him a message so we will have to wait and see.

Other chap I should be meeting up with soon, but as I said im not thinking owt will come of it as there are lots of issues....as ever with me, shame as he is sooooo sexy!!

Oh well going to have some more chocolate...its medicinal you know!

Atchooooooooooo

Yup again I am layed up with a massive head cold that is in my sinus, head, teeth, gums, neck etc etc.. Not feeling good at all, been off work but hope to be back tomorrow.

I will catch up with other stuff when I am feeling more human....

See what I mean

The laptop just isnt right for processing the photos. Not that I took that many today as the light was ok for a while but soon went crappy. Still got a lot done in the house and Im going to phills soon to do some office work.

There is something else that I am really wanting to talk about, but I cant as yet. Yes it does involve a man, but not sure as to whether it will be just mates as yet. But well I cant say anymore!!!!

i have an hour

Until I goto Gym ball so as I was on the internet updating the norton, thought I would update here too! I know I am crap at doing this now, but it is a good thing really as I am filling my life with all sorts of other stuf now, down side is I am normally going at 100 mphs to get every thing done, but when I do have some down time I hate it. I hate being sat doing nothing, just cant do it. I am actually thinking about getting some more activities going so I really am being fully active, after all we are only here once arnt we?

Some strange things have been hapening in my sleep, not only have I been scrtatching myself again, but I also woke up the other morning styling my hair! Last night I slept on my arm, but also had a really weird muscle thing going on, I couldnt even turn over, but as I was fine this morning when I woke up im not so sure that it wasnt just sleep pain? Or have I been wandering again? Who knows huh?

Think I said on an earlier blog that I am single again and looking if there are any single bloggers out there that would like to have friendship, fun and maybe more?!?!? Seriously though, im fine about it, plus there is no point in me settling for anything but the right person for me, even if the old biological clock is ticking so loud it keeps me awake at nights! I have even considered sperm donation. Not sure if I am quite at that level as yet, but I certainly would not rule it out. I am more than capable of bringing up a child on my own, but would prefer for the kid to know who its dad was, still think I have a couple or so years as yet to consider that one!

I am encouraged from others on here that are also taking their life back, wont mention any names but they will know who they are. Really makes me happy to see others getting out there and enjoying life and love again, such a buzz it really is.

You can probably tell from this blog that things arnt so bad right now, altho I do often wonder if its he fact that I am on a higher doesage 150mg or that life is actually not too bad right now. Guess wont know that one as im not due to come off the pills as yet!

Think I also have a solution to the screen and photos problem, think I can plug direct into my tv, which is a much bigger and better screen so will look as to what type of lead I need then get it and try it. Which means I can start getting some more photos on here again, which will be great as ive run out of memory cards! Plus sping is coming so more opportunities of nice weather, I hope!

I did an overaul of the garden last w/e stripped down the wildness a bit, cut the budlea, which bought me out in a rash on my face and loads of spots! Dug over the veg plot ready for planting son. Got rid of some of the weeds as they were taking over some what. Hope for some more nice weather as I want to plant some of the trees I have in pots into the ground, but dare not do it right now as there has been so many nights with a sharp frost, it will kill the roots. I also want to move the clematis too, but think I am too late for that this year now as it has started to leaf already!

Phill is off to Baku soon to bring back wife and child, that will be great as he will be much happier and content, plus I will have more of a chance to improve my russian! There will be lots to sort out, but its a good job that I am a sorter outerer!

Ok, thats enough for now, need to get changed etc..

Pissed off

Last year I had squirrells trying to live in the loft, managed to keep them away and out the loft and blocked up the holes. Now they seem to be back, ok at first it was a great excuse to get men folk in my house and up a ladder, with me being scared and needing rescuing at the bottom of a ladder. Yeah I have been up there but shushhh. They seemed to have moved on but now sat here I can here something up there again! Oh well best try and get a man round..

Talking of men im yet again sigle, it just did not work out, but its ok as I wasnt really thinking that it would, still plenty of more men I can try ha ha!

What else...stuff seems to be getting to me very easily right now, I can read some thing and get annoyed and want to vent my anger, but as I am normally quite a chilled gal it stops me. I just cant take people that are up there own arses and talk shite and are full of their own importance, just pisses me off really. Its the whole artificialness of it all, not sure that is an actual word but I like it!

Still I choose not to go there so guess I just have to put up and shut up.

Catch up....went out last saturday had fun night, had some friends round friday night which was cool. No plans for this w/e...he he have to share, just had the loudest fart ever! Im in fits here.

Uhm where was I, of yeah, no plans this w/e I am hoping for some nice weather as I would like to get out in the fresh air and get some photos done, the only problem is this lap top as the screen isnt that great and when I was processing some the other day I just wasnt happy with them even tho I knew they were ok, so I have memory cards full and I need to really sort some thing out to process. I am also hoping to at some point get to the beach whilst its still winter and get some scenic shots, we will see...

Ruby update!

Jusr weighed her now 1380g's!!! She is blinkin huge!!!

Day from hell!?!?

Well it started off ok, wasnt up late didnt feel to tired, small ache from period pain, not too bad, weather wasnt fantastic, but hey ho. Went outside like I normally do, no dramas. In the shower, got all wet and shmpoo'd, damn forgot to bring hair conditioner in with me, out the shower, nearly slipped over went to the kitchen got it back in the shower. Noticed in mirror I have been scratching my fore head again in my sleep, now notice its sore and also looks like ive been attacked! Went out to see Ruby, cleaned her out, caught my arm on a nail...ouch! Also got poo all over my hands too.

Went to work, all ok on the way there, had really crap day, just all crap crap crap! Havnt heard from man either, which has peturbed me some what! Now the small period ache is turning into cramps like you would not imagine! Decided to go home early, just finshing off a few bits, got call from Phills next door neighbour, they have heard some one in his house...FUCK. Told them to call the police and would be there as soon as. Got lift over here, no one about, but door was open as was the shed, looked over but seemed ok. Spoke to phill, decided I would stay here tonight, he should be back tomorrow. Went back to mine, got some clothes etc. As soon as I stepped out to walk the mile back to his, the heavens openend up and I am now piss wet through. Not a happy bunny, plus every noise in this very noisey house is making me jump, just know I wont sleep tonight, still I have some numbers on stand by in case anything does happen and a friend of mine lives just up the road.

I am going to order a take away, have a cup of tea and try to relax.......just wonder what else will happen today! Oh and I am sure I am up to date on my tetnus jabs!!

I hate paperwork

I am round Phills catching up on his invoicing, bill payments and vat, it was more work thatn I thought I had to do, never mind all caught up now!

Man update, did see him over w/e but im not too sure about this one, I have decided to take a back seat for a while and see how it transpires, but im not really thinking this will be the "love" of my life or owt like that. We will definatly have to see on this one.

Had Alex round saturday night for his birthday dinner, lots of fun and laughs as usual, another late night tho, having too many of them so I am taking it easy today, well after here, shopping, home, housework, change bed, gym ball, dinner then bed! Hmm best get wriggle on as soon be time to goto gym ball, plus I really need to shave my legs too as it looks like a million spiders have taken up residence on them!

Oh and I am also thinking about taking a short break some where in March, but not sure on that one as yet, I am just really missing the sunshine, BIG TIME. I think it will really help if I can get some for a week, dont care where it is as long as there is no grey miserable skies and just some bright sunshine...will think on that one.

uhm not sure there is anything else to update really..

where to begin eh?

Why is there just not enough hours in the day anymore? I seem to be going at 100 mph and still need to speed up even more. Im tired though, feeling a bit old ha ha!

Ok here is the catch up......

After my not very sucessful dating experience I decided to not let it put me off. Had some friends around the other week and met a chap. He is more my type, Im atrracted to the dark and mysterious although he actually is a nice chap. He started texing me in the week and this carried on for a few days, he then came over one night. It was quite sweet as he wasnt after me for sex or anything like that, but was happy to talk and that. Saw him again that w/e, but for the past few days he has been ill in bed! I havnt heard from him today, so not sure whether thats a good thing or bad thing? We will have to see.

There has been several birthdays, leaving do's and general nights out to attend, its hit the old pocket a bit hard, staying in for a while now, well thats the plan, whether I stick to it is another matter!

Ruby is well happy in the shed she has made a beautiful nest and adds to it, she is still eating for england and I may weigh her this w/e, although im trying not to disturb her too much...the poo is still lovely too.

Gym ball is as ever tough and great, still thinking about getting to the gym, think it will be soon though as I really need to step up the amount I am doing.

Sorry I dont make it to chat, its just so hetic right now....but I often think of you and try and read your blogs so I know that you are ok.

Im coaching at work so that is taking up time too, will have to put some time in over the w/e as the persons assesment is on Monday.

Phill still away so im looking after te business and his personal stuff.

You see what I mean about time??

Ok I need to eat, if I dont fall asleep I will try and get on tonight, but my eyes are heavy.......

I will also update about whether I am still seeing said man, or have been chucked again!!!!

Sorry

Didnt want to upset anyone by my earlier post, just nice to get it off the chest now and then.......im fine honest! Im not at least the same place that I was before Christmas, much better than then, so please do not worry. I dont know why I feel like I do, just in me, always has always will I guess..

not a bad day

off work today yay!! got to have some blood tests then not sure what i will be up too, best run!

Doc Day!

Had my ad check up, he is the only person that I can really be honest with too, even on here I sometimes find it hard, guess as I know some of you and dont want you worrying. Anyway in light of my recent (just before christmas) episode of not wanting to wake up again, he has doubled my dosage to give me a break from my head, which is cool as I dont have to find other ways of doing it that I do not suggest anyone try!

It is good for me to just blurt it out knowing that in an hour he wont be thinking about it or worrying, at then end of the day its a job too him, he tries to fix people, as best he can, I am thankful though that he takes time to listen to me, tells me when I am being silly, then tries to find a solution, im on 150mg's for 3 months then see how it goes, there is talk of trying another ad but would rather not at this stage as the side affects will be not nice to say the least!

Some of you may not understand what its like when you try and stop the world from happening, seems selfish in many respects as some people who die or who are dying should get the opportunity of life and then there is me or people like me, who just some days do not want to wake up again, want it all just to float away. When the subject of suicide (hate that word) arises the main thing people say is how selfish the person is being or that they have taken the easy way out, leaving the gap for others to fill and sort out behind them.

In my opinion thats crap, you have to reach such a level of desperation to even contemplate it, the natural instinct of a human being is o survive, thats in us all and you have fight that instinct fervently just to even plan your way out. You of course think about the ones you would leave behind, you agonise even try and put things in place to make it easier once you arnt there. When you are at that point you have such a heightened sense of awareness and sensitivity you get to the point when you really do think that the people around you are better off with out you. You start to rationalise that with out you there it would be less of a burden, less of a worry, therefore justifying the whole thing.

Oh and if you think that it is the cowards way out, think again, you think what it would be like to get those pills or knife or rope or whatever and do it. To over come all the guilt and doubt and do it, then tell me how much courage you actually need.

Of course this is when you are right in the moment, when you want the whole world to stop, just stop for 5 minues so you can take a breather. You want your head to stop going on and on and on, beating yourself up for every small misdemeanor. Its not the easy choice to make, if like me you arnt even good at doing it, the day after brings its own crap to deal with too.

Still thats life when you are like me, you grab the positive moments and try and make them last as long as you most possible can almost to the point of being obsessive over them and not ever letting them go, squeezing the very life out of each one. Then hitting the lows and just hoping that you can get through another one. Yeah its pretty crap, but thats the way I live, just waiting for the next good thing to come along so I can smother it!

Lovely Sunday

Not! Good god I wish this rain would stop...anyway the date came to nothing, it was a good night, but think as I was doing all the talking that well maybe we just wasnt suited, ah well back to the drawing board as they say!

Here at phills again, but will definatly get my internet sorted this week, I will I will!!! Seems to always be something else to do at the moment, that my energy is being drained away, Im going to take some time out and concentrate on getting energy levels back up again!

Ruby is going to the shed today, I hope that she sleeps for a few months..I can then get my house back into some sort of order, thats this afternoon plan anyway!

Oh well best get on..

Problems

Yeah you guessed it the ole internet, keeps dropping and to be honest after I have tried it for a while I get so fed up that I just switch it off! I will ring bt when I am feeling calmer and have a year to spend on hold!

Anyway I am at phills right now, meant to be writing up a report for my rating to give to the ad on friday, but im finding it hard as im not used to being positive about me or my attributes. I got some work people to write comments about me and it has amazed me what they have written and how highly I am thought of. I will start on that in a bit as I can not be at this all day as...........


STOP PRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I HAVE A DATE TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yup thats right, I have a date!, its a friend of a friend, he is divorced has two teenage kids (dont live with him), good job own house etc... I will be honest its not my normal type as there seems to be nothing wrong with him, or he hasnt got an element of bad in him (women will understand this) but hey you dont know until you give it a try.

Not sure where we are going as yet, think a drink in town, I of course will play it cool and act coy etc, remember my lading training and all that.

I will try and give you a report either when I get home or tomorrow if the blinking internet is working.

Oh well best get this report done.....

monster!!

Yoo Hoo

Yup I am finally back, I still hate the laptop but I am trying to make it work! Ok too much to type about what has been happening, so bullet form is needed I think...

1. I am still single, didnt work out with man, too many issues bu we are still friends.

2. House is still wonderful and am loving it!

3. Spent Christmas and nye with phillip, had a nice time also went visiting others too.

4. Never got round to sending christmas cards, sorry....

5. Got myself into some hot water and bother which really upset me, but will say that later as its annoying still.

6. Been out with the camera but as of yet cant get the photo software o work o silly laptop.

7. Plan to take diferent directions with my photography this year and not just wildlife, have a few things in mind, but its the weather at the moment.

8. Phillips wife should be over by next month, god willing.

9. I made my usual resoloutions for the new year.

10. I am back on the fitness thing and have my own gym ball now for the house.

11. I am going to join the gym.

12. I will be slim for summer, ha ha.

13. Finaly I can use predicitive texting.

14. Alan is still in the box in the garden.

15. Ruby is now 950g's and will goto the shed this w/e as I think her cough is better after steam baths and menthol oils. Didnt want to keep pumping her with drugs so have been trying alternative methods, she is also a monster!

16. Got lots of birds in the garden, including male and female black cap. lovely thrush, who gets bullied by the millions of blackbirds I have.

17. Work is hetic and stressful, but they have changed our incentive again and this year I have a lot of money making potential, which will certainly help with the wildlife bills/!!

18. I am planning a holiday in spring, not sure as to where yet.

19. Still planning to see oc in summer (hope thats ok)

20. Love the fact that Jan is out and about and having fun!

21. Still trying to catch up with other blogs.

22. Going to phills for diner tonight.

23. Still looking for love....

Hmmm much easier to catch up that way, but I will expand on some issues as time goes on. All in all I am excited about 2008, have lots of plans, which should be great.

Well for now its time for Ruby to have a steam bath for her congestion, plus I am still trying to get my photos to load up......hope to get them on before I goto phillips.

Missed you...oh it wont let me check the spelling, so sorry

Spoke too soon

there is a fault on the line, now im getting stressed

Its like the trains

Im still delayed........hopefully should be back up and running tomorrow at the latest..........suprisingly im not stressed by this in the slightest!!!