its no good

I cant keep fooling myself or anyone else, past two weeks ive felt myself go down again, kept thinking if I dont admit it then it wont happen. Im so annoyed with myself, so very fucking annoyed. Excuse me while I go and break for a while

lets have some more music

and one I could listen to over and over and over again



or you might prefer this version, this one doesnt quite do it for me as the first one does

Gardening w/e part 2

After the worse nights sleep in the history of sleeping: the night sweats back in full force the dreams turning into the most sickest of night mares, so much so I wouldn’t even blog them they were so sick and disgusting and horrifying. Too say that getting up was a chore this morning would be an understatement. Eventually I dragged my arse out of bed, to see the weather once again dreary and very much un-inviting.

Its not very often that I miss not having any transport, but today I wished that I could get in a car, only as I wanted to go to the garden centre, there is one about 2 miles walk and one about 5 miles walk. Feeling a bit on the crap side, I chose the 2 mile walk, not as good as the other but should get everything I want. It was a nice walk up there, but it’s on a busy road so the bird song is some what masked by the other cars. As usual I was disappointed with the selection, but still managed to pack myself up with enough backs that cut into my fingers.

Dropped into Sainsbury’s on the way back, hell, hell, hell. Luckily I only had to get a few bits, and then I could be off home again.

Well there is another strip of garden to the side of my house that has now been planted with strawberries, a blueberry bush and a gooseberry bush. I did want raspberry and blackberry too, but just couldn’t carry them all so will go back next weekend for them.

Cleaned the bird table, put some nice fresh food down, was out with the camera, but too be honest the weather is so miserable the light non-existent; it is making me feel slightly depressed. Hate days like these, if only the sun could break through the clouds even if only for an hour or so, I am sure it would lift me.

Ah well, I’ve got plenty of other stuff to be doing, some business work, not a great deal, but some I can do. Guess could do the house work, but think I will leave that for in the week.

Next week, my boss is on holiday, feeling a bit anxcious about it, not as she is away and I think I cant cope, but it’s a week that I don’t get as much support and it can be at times quite lonely. Seeing the quack on Wednesday, check up on how the ad’s are going. They seem to be working just fine, I know that sometimes I am going to feel down, but I just have to learn to deal with that. Also I know that some situations where its not going as I want it too, can get on top of me, but again I just have to get on with things.

My new veg patch..

Well this morning when I awoke I was feeling pretty rough still, very tired, headache etc..The weather was looking dire, but knew I didn’t want to be cooped up indoors all day. Had some breakfast then made a start on the veg patch. This is how it looked at the beginning.



First job, to clear the old buddleia stalks and remove the grass from the top layer of where I wanted the veg patch to be. I soon had to remove a layer of clothing as it wasn’t that cold that I needed a t-shirt, fleece and jumper! It was quite easy to do as it’s mostly moss at this end of the garden and plus all the rain we have had lately means it was very easy to dig into. I did try and save as many worms as possible but I can’t guarantee that none were hurt during the making of this vegetable patch. Progress photo:





Next job was to mix in some compost, the soil is ok I think, but the extra goodness will help Im sure, could only carry home one bag, but I am sure it will be ok. Starting to take shape now.



Ok the next thing to figure out is the edging, now yes I could have gone down and bought some nice edging would have been easier and probably nicer, but well that’s not me is it. So the idea was to get the bamboo poles that I bought years ago, cut them down the make my own fence. Where is the saw, cant find the saw, ring phill “Where is the saw”, “ why do you want the saw”, “ to cut things with”, “your saw is under the wardrobe”, “ok thanks”, “just before you go, how many fingers do you have?”, “erm 8”, “ok I will call you later and see how many you have then”. Funny sod. Found the saw, got the poles, oh crap I forgot it’s the saw that only saws backwards, why do they make them like that?? Try various ways to cut them, but not much luck, hang on where is all that blood coming from??? OH it’s only a small scratch, carrying on got 4 cut; this is a bit like hard work..EEK more blood, serious this time, ok time to think of a new strategy.

What if I got the poles grouped them together then made a little wall type thing that way. Genius! Ok not enough poles. However I still have all the cut buddleia, so I strip the branches to make poles, wrap them together with tie wraps (I love tie wraps) make an edging!! Here is a progress photo.





A tie wrap here, a tie wrap there, here a tie wrap, there a tie wrap every where a tie wrap.



All that’s left to do now is trim the tie wraps, to make it look a bit neater.



Now the planting……well can plant some stuff now, then the rest in April, so I make some furrows in the earth, then get the seeds out, I really tried to get them as even as I could. However the parsnips did escape and mingle with the leeks, you never know I might create some new type of vegetable!!! The sticks make great label holders so I know what is planted where. The finished vegetable patch!





Just a little tidying up to do round the hog box now, plus get the muck out from under my nails, but I aint half impressed with myself. I have overcome many difficulties and even though im proper illlllllll, my veggie patch is well on the way…BIG GRIN!

some music to enter the w/e

what ever you are doing, make it good

im proper ill

Not just pretend, but proper ill. My neck hurts, my glands are swollen, can’t hear anything as my ears are all full of air. Top it off my sinus are blocked, head banging and I am soooooooooo knackered. I need some one to look after me, im illlllllllll.

I cant bare anything to touch my skin either, plus im feeling so aggitated and annoyed, think im going to goto bed for a while see if that helps.

it was like the film

As I stepped into the shower this morning, there was already some one there, brandishing not one knife but 8 knives; I could here the music in the background...eeeee eeeeee eeeeeee eeeeeee eeeeeee eeeeeeee. He came closer to the water stream closer to me, would have ended up on me..nooooooooooooooooooooooooo I shouted. With the aid of my facial wash I managed to move him safely onto the window sill...phew

murky day

I really dislike miserable days like this, I would much rather it be cold and bright than mild and murky. Anyway, Ive decided to treat myself to a willow, going to go and buy it tonight, havnt really treated myself for ages (ok there was the camera but I dont see that really as a treat as such).

Possibly some bulbs too just to put in the front bed as it looks a bit bare, the spring colour would be nice too. Suppose I could get some summer bulbs too, that way some colour all year round, might have to take a walk up to the garden centre at the w/e as they have a bigger selection. Really excited about the veg patch though, feel like a mini farmer :) Wonder if I will need to make a mini scarecrow ?

it went like this..

As I normally do every morning, I wash my teeth whilst looking out the back window onto the garden. It’s nice to watch the comings and goings of the birds. I now have 5 dunnocks in the garden, all fluttering about. This morning I was treated to the wren actually coming down and feeding from the table, and then he was scampering about under the ivy. Next thing I know, Mr Blackbird came hurtling through the garden screeching "Every one hide, everyone hide", (yes I can speak blackbird). Anyway, normally he is always the bird that cries wolf, ive often gone running out the garden when I have heard him shrill, to only find he was complaining about a leaf being in the wrong place!

This morning though he had good reason as the next thing I saw was a sparrow hawk do a fly pass and land in the tree just behind my garden. Phew I thought. The wren that had good sense to get in the ivy was then chirping up (not sure what he was saying haven’t mastered the art of wren language as yet) so I told him to carp it unless he wanted to be the sparrow hawks next meal.

Well the sprawk was in the tree obviously looking for breakfast, got my bins so I could take a closer look, he was just sat there searching, such magnificent birds, but the garden was cleared, nothing about at all. Next thing I know a crow flew across and landed in the same tree above the sprawk and started calling. Now the sprawk just looked up as if to say, you don’t scare me mate. However when more and more crows started to land in the same tree (I kid you not I counted at least 25) he thought better and hot winged it. The crows were going mental, such a noise.

The weather was quite sunny when I came home at lunch, hooray I thought; get some decent photos in as the light is much better. The garden was very quiet, which was because the sprawk was still about, flying over head. The birds that were in the holly tree, kept peaking out behind the leaves, not sure as to whether to risk it or not. Actually I saw a great tit nudge a blue tit off the branch to make him go first poor thing. But not birds were taken. I guess the crows at this point had gone off to work on the fields; I love to see them all fly back together in the evening after a hard day at work.

So unfortunately this meant that there were no birds willing to be out on the table to have their photos taken :( Ah well ive just tried some shots of the moon tonight, so will see what they look like. Ive also been down to b&q and bought some seeds: carrots, cauliflower, broccoli, leaks, parsnips and cucumber. Im really excited about growing all this...I know I lead a sad little life that a carrot feels me with joy!!

Plan of works..

Well as I keep adding to the list of things that I want to do, id best make a start this w/e, as the weather is meant to be crap, im going to start on the veg garden. My initial plan was to grow in pots, but thats now changed, im going to dig out another bit along the border near to the hog houses, not sure whether a strip or a square as yet, that way I can plant straight into the ground. Should be finished quite smartish at work tonight so might take a wander down to b&q to get some seeds etc. Ive decided to grow runner beans, cauliflower and broccoli. As ive said before I dont mind if the bugs get them as they have to eat too, I just hope I dont get all protective over them!

Then once that is done I will make a start on the hog box cam, it will be a b&w one, as I dont think they would like the light of a colour one. Still unsure as to whether to put it just in the entrance or more in the box. Figure I still have a month or so to sort this out before they are back, now I have said that......

Got my bonus and payrise confirmed yesterday..YAY The extra money I will be getting as month, will quite nicely pay for hog food once they are back. I am a helper on a hog forum, one member said my feeding station was like the Ivy...tickled me, wonder if they sell hog napkins??

damn it

Every year its the same, I forget phills b'day which is today, he even reminded me when he was home last, at least last year I was able to get away with it by pretending it was a surprise. This year I have used the excuse that as he is away I was waiting for him to come home then I was going to celebrate his b'day then. I wouldn't mind but he told me not to worry my pretty little head about it, which I reminded him last night, but he told me that as my head wasnt pretty I should have worried. Another thing is, he has always told me that he doesnt "do" b'days, but every year I do, I enjoy watching his little face light up as he opens his presents, well he opens them, then asks whats for dinner....

We had a good chat last night about his options now, whether he is going to go to nigeria or carry on with the business. If he doesnt go to nieria it could mean that he could get his g/f over sooner, rather than wait another year. Also there is the option of expanding the business more. People still find it odd that my ex is my best mate, plus the fact that we share a home together, I normally get the comments..oh you must me still in love with him, they dont seem to understand that although yes I love him, im not in love with him, thats the difference.

Well this morning, the wren is in full singing voice..lovely, I often get him and the robin mixed up. Why is though whenever you dont have your camera they will sit on the fence not a foot away from you and will pose like something out of london fashion week, yet as soon as you do have a camera they are no where to be seen?

Talking of models there has been a lot of programmes on of late about the zero sized models with a 23 inch waist, man thats tiny. Of course no one would take responsibility, but designers were saying that they like their clothes to look good and they should move on the body...erm make them bigger? Also there has been programmes about growing anorexia, mainly teens. I can relate to this, as when you are growing up and you are female there is a huge pressure on you to conform to which you are told is the norm, which is thin. I did go through a spell in my teens of wanting to be thin, found the easiest way to eat then purge. Really not nice, but it did do the desired affect, so I can understand why many do just the same. However, its not healthy and even though yes you will be thin,you will look and feel like crap, plus the fact that you could die isnt really attractive.

I do think that clothes designers and makers have a responsibility to promote a much healthier image. Madrid banned the size 0 models, where as london fashion week didnt, but when you speak to most chaps about it, they would rather a woman have curves, more meat on the bones, something to hold onto. I dont think that these women look sexy at all, nothing worse than seeing bones stick out, I appreciate that some women are naturally thin, but when you see them walking down the catwalk and you can see near on every part of their backbone sticking out...it would not encourage me to buy the clothes at all. Its about time more average sized women were used, promoting good eating and healthy lifestyles.

Another monday

Well, we might be meeting our new area director today, we have been moved again, so we are now in not just a different area, but a new region too! Only 7 months since the last change, ah well. It shouldnt (I hope) make any difference to me, I will just keep going in and doing my job. It was tough last week as we were very very short, but we got through it. I just have this nagging feeling though that I may get moved, I really hope not as I enjoy being able to come home for lunch, plus the 3 minute walk to work is nice. Hmmm I might ask him if he does come round today.

Spoke to phill and asked him to make me a controller device so hopefully I will be able to have a hog box cam. I have 2 board cams in the house, so I have asked him next time he is back to wire one of them up, it will be b&w, as I have some ir lamps too. I might actually give it a go myself, there is this electronics website that he used to look at, it teaches you how to wire stuff up, I am sure that I could follow it. Might have a look tonight, whats the worse that could happen !?!?!?

No signs of hogs as yet, still very early for me, but I thought maybe with the milder weather it might wake them early, still they have nice clean boxes when they do. Just need to get the position of the cam better. Havnt started on my veg garden as yet, as the w/e was a funny one, well mainly due to the sleeping part I ran out of time, so that will be on the cards next w/e. I am also thinking about going up to rutland water, its only 1hr30 on the train, I used to live up there so know how to get there. Never went whilst I lived there, but then I was only there for a short while. Just waiting for a day that has some good weather forecast and I will be off!

Also this week I am going to start looking for a macro lens, not sure at all which to get, so if anyone has any suggestions that would be brill. Then thats it for camera buying gear, for a while. part from probably more memory cards and maybe another spare battery. Now my bonus is being paid more regularly, plus I really do dictate to how much I get, the lens and stuff will soon all be paid for. I know also that I have told some of you the story behind the camera, Im not going to mention it here, but needless to say I am still feeling a bit funny about it, but as phill says its down to him not me. Oh for those of you that know what has happened please do not comment about it on here, I know complete paranoia, but well please dont :)

Sick of

banging my head against a brick wall, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

Busy day

After I got the business stuff done, well enough that I had to. Trip to b&q to get some more tacks, then to pets at home to get a bale of straw, tub of fat pellets, sunflower hearts and a bag of nuts, this was after going to waitrose to get something for brunch. As you can imagine I was packed up like a carthorse, still got home ok. Ive done the minor repairs on the hog box roof, cleaned them out and added nice fresh straw. I was thinking about moving the feeding station again this year, but too be honest it is probably in the best place. I am still thinking about putting a cam in the box, but not so sure how I will then get the cam to the pc, so might have to wait for phill to come back so he can make something that will work. I have such faith in his electronic capabilities. In fact I might phone him later and ask him to design something for me.

Got a few jobs done in the garden, not a great deal to do. Tidied up the shed a bit. Little bit of housework done. Now think I will sort out the archives of photos that I have. Too be honest I am desperatly trying to stay awake, I am sooooo sleepy I could lay down and that will be it. Its not a nice day so a walk is out the question. Guess I will have to just keep trying to fight it.

well

I ended up going to bed yesterday with a migrane, the only place that can help one. I woke up at 9, had dinner from the chinese, which I had to fetch, saw three men peeing in the street...why do you do that? Had dinner then went back to bed.

Got up at about 7 this morning, so I could get the business stuff out the way, now im off to b&q to get some roofing tacks, then think I might go for a walk up on the fields, or might have a stint in the shed...who knows!!

ID help

Think I know but would like confirmation and I know the photos arnt great, but hey ho...

Why is it..

That train stations attract weirdos? Got up this morning, didn't really feel like going out, but thought would be good to get some air, hey the jobs in the house and garden can wait another day. Decided to go back to Arlesey and find the other walks I couldn't find the last time I went. At the train station there was this lad of about 20's moon walking up and down the platform! He seemed to be chatting to anyone and everyone, until they shuffled away from him. He started to talk to me, now normally I am a social type and will have a little natter with strangers, but he was just weird, so he got a firm NO from the question he asked and I gave him one of my "fuck off" looks.

Well got to Arlesey and tried to find the Kingfisher walk, now im not bad at directions(im not pete) but bugger me, could I find which way I was meant to go, could I hell. I had to cross the carriageway too...scared the hell out of me! But the sun was shining, heard more birds than I actually saw, but got some photos. Well the walk took me round and round, at one point I thought I maybe a trifle lost, so decided to climb up this big mound so I could survey the area and find my way back. BIG BIG mistake, as the other side was much steeper, wet, muddy, slippery. Yeah you guessed it I did a "pete" and slid all down the other side on my arse. Of course the only thing I was trying to protect was the camera, which remained unscathed. Pity my arse didn't. So now I have a wet, muddy and painful behind, but it was worth it as the other side was a pond with the most beautiful swans in.

After a few more photos, carried on, took a photo of a bird I will probably need the ID for, as I couldn't tell what it was, not sure the photo will help much though. Anyway I must have taken a wrong turn as I ended back up to where I had began. Damn it. I sat on a bench and finished my lunch, which was cool as a wren was sat not far away from me at all. There was also the usual birds, blue tits, great tits, ltt's, blackbirds, robins, chaffinches, crows, pigeons, possible kestrel (but who forgot to pack the bins ?), dunnocks. I even saw a red admiral! Not a great list I know, but the walk is nice, Im sure if I had taken the right turn I would have seen more as it was by lakes, but I missed that bit.

I was going to do another walk, but the excruciating pain in my head was starting to niggle, plus my feet were wet. I headed back to the train station to be faced with another weirdo! He was drunk as a skunk, old boy, shame really, but he was shouting and trying to talk to everyone. Two young girls bless them, didn't have the right change to get a ticket, so I put it on my card for them. This bloke was then saying stuff to them, they were a bit scared as he was getting a bit obscene. They came and stood with me and I was talking to them for a bit, just told them to ignore him and he wouldn't do anything. I did wonder about telling him to carp it, but thought that would make him worse. I may mention it to my police man friend though as he really should be moved on, especially if he is talking crudely to people.

Well now I am home, will look at the photos Ive taken and put them on the other blog. My head is still banging but hopefully with the painkillers Ive thrown down my neck should start to ease. Then I am going to get some business stuff out the way, tomorrow will then be free to get the jobs in the garden and house done. I want to clean out the hog boxes again, put some fresh straw in, also one part of the roof needs repairing too. Hope it doesn't rain tomorrow..

Get me!!!

oooo another card in the post today, got cute bears on, was sent from Ireland, now who do I know over there......?

One small moan I have...chilblains, my feet are nipping with the pain of them, havnt had them for years and years, but OMG they bloody hurt, all over my poor toes. Not so sure I will be out and about tomorrow, might do some jobs here instead, but will decide in the morning, but if feet are nagging like they are now..........

I am loved!!!

and the message was....

i love u nic! when i think of u, u are like the shining sun in the day,
the
gleaming moon in the night. u keep my heart warm, and i hope the heat
never
dies out!
Marky
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War!

After all the love yesterday there is nothing but war in the garden this morning. No bird is safe from each other. The tits are worse they are chasing everyone off. Wouldnt mind but there is plenty to go around. The pigeons have eaten all the cat biscuits put out for any hogs that might be awake...tut! Too early here, last year was 1 April so another month at least, unless the weather warms up, which by this mornings efforts brrrgggghhhhhhhh.

Day of Lurrrrrve

Well Ive dusted off the vases, cleared the pathway to my door for the poor postman who has to deliever all the cards to my door, im ready!

Actually Ive been telling all my male customers to got waitrose just before they close tonight as they knock down the price of their roses significnatly! Oh and asdas are selling a dozen roses for £4. There really is no excuse chaps! If you havnt done as yet, get a card and send it to some one you fancy. Me ive sent 3 this year ;)

Penny pinching

Again! I know I have said before that the way I shop is crazy, due to not having a freezer etc etc, plus I like to cook fresh food each day, rather than freezer PING! However I found an even better way to do it. Struck me as I was stripping the chicken carcass from Sunday for the birds. Tonight instead of buying 2 pork chops (two meals), I have bought a joint for 50p more, which will do me lunch and dinner for at least 4 days! Suppose I could think about stopping smoking, hmmmm, ok Ive thought about it...HEY thats a start..

Think I will also look into more growing my own veg, it cant be that hard. Think the worse bit will be lugging home bags of dirt from b&q to fill up some planters. Think I will start small on this project. Im not even that bothered if they get attacked by bugs as its all natural food for something else. Think I will just get one planter, thats then one bag of soil to drag home, now just need to decide what to grow. Ah but thinking about it I could also grow some runner beans in the wildlife bed as they could grow up the fence. Im quite looking forward to it, just need to look into growing vegetables now, best time to plant etc etc.

Wonder if I could fit a cow in the garden ???

like a pancake

Thats how I feel, ive been sat here for about 15 mins trying to think of a word to describe the way I feel. I got some good news about bonus today, fantastic but I feel flat. The other news we are changing areas again, but to be honest it wont or shouldnt affect me that much, not noticeably anyway. So why do I feel flat? Of course now I am searching for a reason for said flatness, maybe I shouldnt do that, maybe just accept some days I will still feel flat regardless of the pills. Guess just some days I will sit here with tears rolling down my face for no apparent reason. Then I start to worry that Im going backwards, then it all gets jumbled then Im even more confused than I am normally.

Anyway, best go wipe my eyes and blow my nose and try, really try to stop thinking.

You are right

I had a comment on my photo blog, from anon, which said that the photos I took yesterday were the best Ive taken so far. I had a look back over the past couple of months and they were. Not a great day light wise yesterday, but I am thinking more before I press the button, in fact I miss a lot as I am waiting for them to perch in a certain area etc. Just need to get some better perches sorted out and I think they will look better. Still am impressed with myself for the progress so far, although I still have a long way to go. I just cant wait for the nights to get a wee bit longer so I can start taking photos after work up on the fields again. Hope for more flutters and bees, not wasps though as they liked to chase me last year!

Well its monday and I have to be in work early this morning. Should today find out bonus, plus some other stuff that may or may not be good, will have to see on that one. Talking of work, I have nearly secured a second part-time job doing some book work, should find out more soon, but when I was talking to phill about it last night it is more work than I had anticipated, but I do have the beauty of setting it up to how I want it to be, so should be ok. Too be honest, I dont need need the extra cash for general living, but it will come in handy for my other plans...

Typical

I woke up having already decided that I wouldnt go out today, had some stuff to do in the house and it turns out a really nice day! Oh well, got some more camera practise in so not all bad.

Phill is away tomorrow morning, hope he takes the other chocolate bar with him. He hasnt looked at the phone so will have to make some time to investigate that next week. Ive done his invoicing, just got to fix his laptop (again)then he will be a happy bunny. Might try and get him to at least look at the phone, before I have to phone bt (oh joy).

Nice roast dinner to look forward to tonight, mmmm roast pots, love roast pots. Then its soon monday and back to work again. Should find out some stuff on monday though, including bonus, some other stuff might or might not be good, we will just have to wait and see. Best do some boxing then I can put the photos on the other blog, then settle with a nice cup of tea, might be a good movie I can snooze (I mean watch) to....

Phills home

Had a very late night last night by my more recent standards, so no suprise wasnt up early this morning. Weather has been crap, did a short stint in the shed, but nothing about at all! We went to sainsburys and he has stocked me up on the more bulkier items, which is great as I wont need to get any of that stuff for ages now!

Got some invoicing to do then might get some dvd's as I imagine there will be nowt on tv. Also just seen he bought two large bars of chocolate!!! Hmmmm best hope my resolve lasts...

Black Squirrel

Returned! Looked out the window this morning, chunky was on one tray and "blackie" was on the other, of course they moved as soon as I got the camera in focus! Still nice to see him back, there was a small chase around the holly tree, but black squig came back and fed for a while. Much to the birds not liking it, they arnt quite sure of him.

Well not sure if I will get time to put photos on other blog tonight, depends how quickly we get out of work tonight, as I am ooot for dinner. Really want to do 30 mins of boxing before I go, so I can justify maybe a small portion of cheesecake :)

Im moody

Not just because there wasnt enough snow to keep me off work, honest! Actually I woke up this morning at 5.45 am and there was hardly any, got up at 7 and was loads of the stuff! Went out cleared the feeders but some extra food out, there was some strange tracks in the snow, not sure whether cat or not. Set off for work a bit earlier than normal, trudging through the snow. We did get a message that some branches could close early, but ours wasnt on the list :(

At least we left 5 mins after closing, nice to be home early got lots done, but I forgot to get some headache pills, head is banging too. Supose I could go back to the shop, but then its cold out there, think will hunt in the house see if I can find any first.

Will put some snow photos on other blog just for OC! Its quite deep near me as no-one ever ventures up this way, so its not washed away at all. Apparently more expected tomorrow. Also going out for a meal tomorrow night too. Hopefully I will be good, but the temptation of honeycomb cheesecake...............

Whoo hooo

New garden tick the GSW finally came into the garden, got one shot as well, not great but a record...how happy am I???

GOOD NEWS!!!

At last I have some good news to post, not just one bit of good news but TWO!!! Firstly I found out that what my payrise will be, im over the moon with it! It will make such a difference in my pay packet, was smiling from ear to ear when I found out. Secondly, I went to pick up my repeat scrip from the docs and on the back of it he wrote me a little note, saying I will be pleased to know that my smear came back clear! Ok I still have to go back in 12 months for a repeat instead of 5 years, but thank god that part of my body is ok, not so sure I would have been able to cope with that being a problem!

He wants to see me again in a month to review my depression pills. Not so sure what I want to say to him on that score. Ive not felt this un-depressed in ages, its not like everything is good in life either, pretty much the same. Same stress at work, home life the same, but I feel so much more able to cope with stuff. Even with what he told me last friday I expected really to fall a little bit apart, but I just got on with it. When stuff threatens to get me down, im able to just get on with it. Plus I havnt had those awful dark moments either not for a while now. So I guess the question is, do I stay on them, or do I cut down? Phill tells me to stay on them, as Im much calmer, more rational and a lot less down on myself too. Oh well dont have to think about that for another month as yet, just start to plan what Im going to do with my extra cash!

Weather

Apparently set for some more snow today, lets hope it lasts a bit longer than last time. Actually Ive just looked at the weather forecast and the weather is set to be crap now, rain rain and hey some more rain :( The w/e is looking awful, typical as phill is home and said he would take me out some where...hmm wonder if he knew. He will be happy as he can have a lazy w/e in front of the tv eating and drinking.

Still its brightening up some now so will get dressed and put some more feed out for the birds, numbers and activity have increased some what due to this cold weather we are having, ive never had such a long spell of ltt visits!!

National Take a sickie day

Today!! Tempted??? Ive just sent my boss a text telling her the above and that I will see her tomorrow!

Today for me is the start of something new, best follow what the quack says, as I do want to see my next b'days! I know that I probably should have come to that conclusion on friday when he told me, but sometimes stuff takes a while to sink in with me, plus I naturally rebel against most things I am told. I almost want people to tell me that it is impossible as that would give me further encouragement. I enjoy proving people wrong.

Well its foggy out there this morning, so no chance of snapping, hope it clears by lunchtime. One thing that is encouraging is that the nights are getting lighter, so soon I will be able to come home, then go walking up on the fields again after work. This will help keep my mind busy, plus the benefits of walking will help too.

OK this is a new day, so enjoy it!

Damn it

The phone still isn't working, despite changing all wires and connectors, Phill quite nicely told me to phone BT to report the problem, I explained that I didn't really want my stress levels to be raised right now. I have done all I can, it will have to wait until he is back now, Ive got the mobile and can re-route faxes to my work fax, but it is a pain in the bum :(

Had a snooze this afternoon, I know Im not meant too, but was tired and head was pounding so thought it was best to have a little sleep! Also been having a think about things, guess to some people it would be obvious what I need to do, many ways I've made all the excuses I can think of, but reality has kind of hit home today. I either do something or well the other option sends shivers down my spine. So its going to be a long hard journey, but well I will give it a go, I think Im worth a try anyway. Just one day at a time I guess.

VAT and a rareity!

Well after a better nights sleep I was up early to crack on with the paperwork, namely the VAT. As ever when I want it too be straight forward and done quickly it never is! Still after 30 mins of staring at it, I decided to sit in the shed for an hour and boy am I glad I did, as I took many photos of the ltt's, some arnt half bad either. Came back in, figured out what was wrong with VAT and put it too bed!

Whoo hooo, was just about to go out the house when I spotted something black in the garden, I first thought it was a pine martin from yesterday, but no it was a black squig. Having looked up on the Internet, apparently they are rare in the uk, but many sightings in my local area! Also took some photos, will upload to other blog later as Ive got some more stuff to do.

Been down to staples to buy some more telephone wire, so hopefully my telephone will be back working later! Pets at home for another tub of suet pellets and sunflower hearts. Now I think I will have an hour in the shed and see what turns up. Then after that it will be boxing, bath then I will do the photos!

Wildlife Park

Got up and it was sunny, so that decided it. Poor Pete's trains wasn't running into London, so told him he was more than welcome to come with me! Met him at he station and after a 30 second drive, we was there!

After a much needed cup of tea, we set off. What a surprise it was too. I never realised it was such a big place, they are a wildlife sanctuary too and take in unwanted animals as well as injured animals too. So much to see and far too much to list what we did, although Pete may have done on his blog!

The animals were so cute too, wanted to sneak them in my pockets and take them home. The wolves were amazing, even if they did scare the crap out of me by howling (I never knew they were behind me). Also got to see the tigers being fed, amazing to watch really was. The Meerkats were the most funniest of animals to watch so comical. Pine martins were soooooo sweet, but very shy.

However, the main reason for going was to see the red squig, do you think he came out? Did he bugger!!!! Waited and waited and waited, then waited some more, but nothing, not even a whisker.. Still had a fantastic day, took loads of photos which will be uploaded to other blog through out tonight as I really did take loads. All in all im a happy bun!!

I knew it

I knew I shouldn't have gone to the doctors, sometimes ignorance is bliss it really is, now my head is full of even more crap I dont want to be thinking about. So much so that after work, I went for a walk, the moon was lovely and low, I just followed it, kept walking and walking. Desperately trying to empty my mind, wanting in a way to actually reach the moon, but it kept moving away from me.

When I came too, I was in a cemetery, didn't even know it was there. Now Im not one for walking about those places in the dark, but I didn't feel scared to my surprise I felt kind of calm, so took some photos of the moon, walked round a bit then found my way back home!

Anyway will put photos on other blog, not sure if I have the energy to do much else. Think this w/e will be fun...

Knackered!

Really feeling tired today, not been a particurly long week, or hard, just feeling old! Guess its the lack of sleep, yet still mainting activity levels. You know when you have so much racing round your head, but you cant make any sense of it, cant put it into a logical order thats just how I feel right now. Sometimes I find myself drifting off into fantasy world, where life is perfect and exactly how I want it to be. Until of course I realise that I have some one sat in front of me talking too me, have to ask them to repeat it of course as I havnt heard a word.

Where I work and live it is a community, rare in towns these days, a lot of my clients do just come into natter or have problems, ive been helping one this week an elderly lady, ive helped before. However I didnt realise the extent of her problems, poor cow, poor cow. She rang me today to give me an update on whats been happening, luckily it seems for now to be sorted, but I do worry about her really I do, bless her, she wanted to tell me as she thinks of me as a true friend, nearly filled up on that. She is a lovely lady that has had some real shit lately, shit she didnt deserve at all, just makes me wonder what else had happened to her that she hasnt told me before really. Makes me so sad that what has happened to her has, so very very sad. Still sometimes its just nice for some one to be listened to, to be asked how you are or whats going on. Its nice when a friend is being a friend.

Anway, decided to go back to docs tomorrow, not really keen but I need to, Im not right plus he can tell me more about the results that I got back as I do not understand them at all! Shame its such an early appointment, never mind an early night wont do me any harm, just be nice if I didnt wake up 2/3 times in the night sweating like a sweating thing.

Found out about this years incentive scheme, not bad really not bad, will get paid monthly too, so no waiting for ages to get the bonus..hmmm be nice to get extra in the paypacket. Also payrise coming up soon. All I need is to tighten the purse strings until the end of feb, then who knows!! Still got some plans in mind, but need to work on them a little more, actually got a few things im thinking about doing.

So plans for the w/e? Dunno really dunno, think it will be local as I cant think of anywhere else to go! Need to do some office work, but not a great deal so that shouldnt take me long at all. Hope for nice weather, maybe a walk up on the fields see whats changed up there, or maybe a morning feeding the ducks? Or the number one choice right now, a weekend in bed! How lovely would that be, sleep and chocolate!!!