Happy thoughts

Well I am trying...
apologies as this will be a rambling post of whats in my head, you may want to click away now.


Still here? I think I have said before about the many things that annoy me about myself, well not so much as annoy as well ok annoy. Few months back I had a dripping tap, that I fixed. The dripping tap is back although this time its in my head, no matter how much I try to ignore it, it keeps dripping away. However its all about choices.

Im still a bit rattled about the comments I received on a forum, some-one hoped I would have a really short life. Although its the fact that I see him on the same forum that makes the anger in me rise up. My choice I dont have to go on the forum and well hopefully a descion will be made on that anyway. For now I can just stay away, which Im happy to do.

Work is ok at the moment, im on a high performers course next week, despite my initial outcry of Why am I going on it? Still cant get used to it. The choice I take is to stay out of the limelight, Im not one for talking about my success, I will share and help others then watch them revel in theirs. I find this much more satisfying.

I guess really for the most part life is good at the moment. Phill is back soon and has offered to pay next months rent..Yippee. Im looking forward to him coming back as I do miss my pal. Plus the offer of help with redecoration is making me feel a lot better too, as Im really not very good at painting at all. Im one of those types that refuses to stay with in the lines, so you can imagine my painting ablilities.

Well if all is ok, why do I feel flat. Why is it, that whilst others are rating books, but the most interesting thing I can think of rating is tights...tesco own 3/5, not bad wearing, but really strange putting them on, have yet to try the value range so will let you know. Boots of course get 5/5 in most areas but only really last one wash and are quite expensive. In my head now im compiling a table to compare them all.

Id love to write something profound or deep and meaning, or vaguely even funny. Be easier to point you to some other blogs for that! Well ive finished my cup of tea (should have been coffee, but my brain is great at forgetting everything as soon as I step into waitrose, but fantastic at remembering as soon as Im at the checkout with a line of people behind me). Best sort out the birds, hogs and house. I may even try to do some more in the garden, well I say may, more like go out sneeze come back in again....

Angry

Indeed I am. Why am I letting myself get angry over somebody who is completely unworthy of any emotion from me I dont know. I just dont get all this buttering up of stuff. If a spade is a bloody spade then call it a spade, dont try and make me feel guilty or sorry for the spade. I wont listen to the spade twist every situation until it suits the spade, for in order for the spade to get maximum sympathy.

Oh im fed up with it all. Why cant I just be left alone...

Birds scrapping!

Well I wasnt expecting this on the playback this morning!!! Both birds did fly away ok

Grumpy

I am ever so grumpy today, well in waves to be fair. Was fine this morning through to dinner time and some of the afternoon. But now Im grumpy. Possibly the fact that im indoors and would rather be outside, I did try but blinkin pollen stops me from being able to breathe. Wanted to go for a walk, didnt get very far til I had to turn round and come back. Now I have a banging headache thats all in my back teeth too as my sinuses are blocked. Ive given in and taken an anti-histamine pill so am now feeling groggy. Possibly doesnt help as I think that wonderful time of the month is soon to be upon me. So I want to just get into bed and wake up when all this summer stuff has finished. Sorry to those who enjoy the summer time, I do too just when it gets me down I long for winter again.

Anyway, Im trying to download an episode of lost, its from a sexuploader site, so who knows what I may get.....hmmm that has put a smile back on my face! Other things making me smile are the numbers of birds in the garden today, loads!!!!! At least 4 sparrows now too, so ive stocked up on some more bread for them (20p each). Plus also the first fledged blackbird too..ahhh so cute, plus all the usuals.

Thank goodness for windows!!!

Sparrows

Birds...

Unfortunatly the sparrows were camera shy and to be honest the light was awful I got one photo but not good at all..

Many things

are bothering me tonight....if I was a woman of any sense of the word then I would post them, but I have typed this several times, then deleted so I guess I am a coward or too sensitive to others feelings. Hmm this isnt easy at all...deep breathe then carry on..

Im just pissed off that people can change so much under the influence of others, or maybe they arnt under the influence just that is the real self just encouraged or bought out. Or they arnt like it but the company kept makes me think they are like it...confused? Join the club..

Ive just seen some comments on other blogs that bother me, as even if you dont think some one else life or blog is interesting what right do you have to criticise? Too many people have their heads up their own arses. Hey if some one wants to talk about paint drying day in day out, just dont read it, no need to make a comment!!!! The time it becomes a problem is when you could loose some one you thought of as a good mate, even over the internet! I feel sad of course as I cant even tell them, wouldnt even make sense really, as this entry probably isnt even making sense. 3rd time of writing and I still cant get it right...Oh I wish I could be brutal and honest and just say it all, but I cant so I wont...

Really what I am trying to say is that pretentious pisses me off......

the urge...

to sleep is upon me, Im writing this blury eyed, not been sleeping too well this week have had lots of vivid dreams about my family (another day) which have awoke me in cold sweats and anger...oh dear.

I came home another week over and knackered as normal. Couldnt get the motivation to do that much, but as the sun had gone in I though I would clean under the hog boxes as there was some poo that I didnt have time to clean up this morning. I also wanted to check that the mice wernt storing meat under the boxes as flies and maggots...

As I have a memory of a goldfish I forgot that one box was in use! However it was only a case of me lifting box moving, washing down then putting back in place, I have the cam on now to see any movement, but none. I am now amazed how clean the box was ( I had to lift the lid to move) normally in box it is full of creepy crawlys but this box was spotless, so am pleased in many ways as it is a sign of a healthy hog! Plus Jill must have been well snuggled in as there was no sign on hog in there. Oh I do hope in many ways she wont choose it as a nest, highly unlikely I know, but TOO many sleeplness nights for me if I knew hoglets were in there, as those who know me would say...

Other news I cant get the last episode of lost to play, so will ask Jan (if I remember) where she gets them from so I can do the same...

Plans for the weekend, hmmmm depends on the weather but Im a bit blue at the moment so a day out my just be the ticket!

Aliens!

Eeeeeeek!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

85%

Which is quite good, although on one section I only scored 55% but as the others were above the mark, I passed!! Yippeeee none of that stress for at least a year and I can carry on doing my job. Hmmmm.

I was quite nervous this morning about going, this wasnt helped by a coughing fit, but was helped by the soothing words of boo (ta) I was amazed to find out though I couldnt take my inhaler into the exam place, I did offer to take it apart to show them that there was nothing written on the inside!!

Came home on a very late lunch to fine one of my neighbor's has put out their rubbish that is now all over the carpark. I did knock on their door but know one home, so I cleared it all up and have put a note through their door. I mentioned it at work and was asked why I cleared it up, why didnt I just leave it... well apart from the fact that one of the hogs could go through it and they may end up with a can stuck on their nose...Im just not a "not in my back garden type" Plus it would nag away at me until I cleaned it up, how people can walk around with blinkers on is beyond me!

Ive just been outside and its so nice to feel warm sunshine on my face, even though it was for a short while, I dont think I will be out in the garden much this year... Now, well I have to pay the bills, the bt bill in credit is genuine as Ive just phoned them to check, so I can use that money to either buy some new shoes or get stocked up on bird food...well the shoes can go another month!

I also want to get the speakers sorted on the pc, as I want to listen to the jermey vine radio show from today, I was in the chemist today and they had it on, they were talking about asthma and the fact that you should only use the blue spray when needed at most 4 times a week, but the quack told me to use it 4 times a day, so will have a listen to that when I can get the speakers working.

Oh and I also have one last episode of lost (ta jan) to watch, but it keeps sticking on the dvd player so Im going to try that on the tv too. Oh Ive found the plug for the speakers now, so will add more to this later...

Exam day

Ok here we go....

Having a break

from study.... got home just after 3 pm, had some lunch then thought about hitting the books (literately). Took me a while to settle down to it, after I had topped up the bird feeders, checked emails etc. Eventually I made a coffee and set to it. Now after 2 hours I have decided to have a wee break as I have so many facts and figures going around in my head, I was reading the page but nothing was registering. Ive never been good at revising, through out my gcse's I didnt revise much at all, even with a revision plan!! How I managed the results I did I dont know (2 a's, 1 b and 5 c's!)

Now though I have something else to worry about. The exam is at an external centre so I have to take ID with me...ie passport or driving license...hmmm cant find either of them OH CRAP!!!! Im trying to think of the last place I saw them, but head full of exam stuff. Deep breathes, ok will have another look in a bit. Will also check the weather for tomorrow, knowing my luck it will be hot and sunny so hayfever will attack me too as well as a frantically searching mind!!!!!

Ok I will look again for passport...hang on..I last had it when I was going to the post office so it should be with the poa stuff...nope not with that. 10 mins have now passed, house upside down, no passport it must have been stolen!! I have just found £5 though, and more wild flower seeds. Getting distracted from the task at hand...Oh where is phill when I need him, he would know where it is..fuck fuck fuck its really not here!!!!

successs!!!! Plus I didnt have to phone russia!!! It was hiding among some othercorrespondencee stuff in one of the filing cabinets, what it was doing there I have no idea....peace restored best hit the books again....

No 4

Ok here is the hog in question, much bigger than Jack, also longer
Jack at this point is having a nap in the box when he hears the 2 approaching hogs, he is straight out to see who it is.
Not a happy Jack, hog behind no 4 is ickle
See the difference in size from no4 to Jack. Jack went mad! Lots of pushing and head butting happend, which is why I do think it is another male
More pushing and head butting, then no4 went off screen, Jack ran round like a mad hog for a bit, before also going off screen.










I can also tell that there is a new one, by the poo that I cleared up this morning!!! Really odd how they all do different ones, so will be on the lookout for this larger male tonight, oh and will need to name him of course. Its getting to the point I may have to think about marking them so I can see who is coming each night, but I will think on that over the next few days...

Oh No

We have number 4 plus I think its another male...there may be trouble ahead....photos will come later, much later as Ive no escape from the workplace today!!

Blimey

I cant believe the amount of rain we have had today, talk about sunshine and showers! At one point I was outside looking at the road and it was like a river, must be really awful for people who suffer with flooding, I couldnt imagine waking up, going downstairs to fine the place all under water.

The whole road looked like a river it was that hard and fast, luckily I was under cover and its a good job the umbrellas we had ordered for the customers arrived today!!

The rain does however through up some interesting creatures, their is a hole in the patio where I feed the hogs, Ive just been out now to clean up out there (yes in the rain, yes I am mad) and a worm kept on poking his head up, so funny I watched for ages, until I realised what I was doing!!!

Macro

Still working on it, but im quite suprised with the intial results I have. Now Im thinking about changing my camera to a slr, but suppose that will have to wait til next year now....

Raining again

What a wet weekend this has been!! Went into town today, as I had to get some stuff from boots using my advantage points, had £18 worth! Also went into £1 land as I had a bag of 50p's that I wanted to spend so I stocked up on house cleaning items and toilet roll, all for £6. On the way back though I was a little sad to be penny pinching like this. Its mainly due to the fact that I had the unexpected cost of scrips that cost nearly £20. Im just not used to watching what I spend, counting the pennies, not being able to go out and spend what I want is no fun. Well I could still do it, but the idea of being in debt is just a no no to me. Im not accustomed or suited to befrugalugle! To be honest Im finding it quite boring. The last treat I had was a chocolate bar, that I have managed to make last the whole weekend. Yes I hear you say, well you will appreciate it more now when you do treat yourself. However it just makes me forlorn that I cant go out and get what I want when I want, without having to consult my overworked, overstretched budget!

Ignore me Im just in a moaning mood, feeling sorry for myself having to go out with a bag of 50p's to get some shopping in with. Dont get me wrong im not on the breadline by any means of the word and there are a lot more people worse off than me. Im just finding the adjustment a wee bit trickier than I first thought. Well to be fair it was a challenge at first a challenge I have quickly become bored with. Im also fed up with the hayfever, cough cough cough...drives me mad!!

Oh dear Im lost!

I managed to cut the grass today, it had got fairly long so was a bigger job than I had anticipated. Of course this set my hayfever into spasms leading nicely to not being able to breathe...Finished the job, quickly clean the bird feeders and restocked them before coming in the house and collapsing. Its a good job I got my ventolin thats all I can say!

After the attack had eased some what, helps to have all the windows and curtains closed! I watch the dvd Jan sent to me (thanks)..5 episodes of Lost, it still bothers me and I have so many questions, yet I still find it addictive to watch, so will have to hunt the next episodes, or ask Jan to tell me what happens!

Then I did some jiggerey pokery with my finances, I work 2 months in advance. I have managed to find some more ways to reduce my credit card bill each month and should get it down to £280 per month, which isnt bad considering I use that for everything, my food, hog food, bird food,cigarettess, household cleaners, toiletries etc etc...so I am at least happy with that!

Its now chucking it down,torrentiall rain, typically as I had washed the shed roof, also typical as I hadnt bought the cams in, ah well too late now. I was going to clean out the hog boxes today, but considering what happened earlier I thought against it.

All in all a really lazy day, I did pick up my books to start revising for my exam which is thisThursdayy (eek) but I couldnt get into it. I have set aside 2 hours tomorrow to read through it, unless I of course get sidetracked with some thing else!!!

Jack is a grump

He just wont let anyone else eat! He comes flying out the box and firmly stamps his ownership on any hog food. I may have to consider feeding in 2 different areas.

Im finding it hard to get motivated this morning, I have plenty to do but now ommmmf to get it done. Im even struggling to write this..oh how lazy am I?

Ickle

I gave in...

and went to the doctors. I managed to get a cancellation, if I could be there in 5 minutes, just down the road for me so no problem. Name was called went to the room (never know whether to knock or not). Knocked went in, was surprised to see one of my customers!! Thank god I didn't go with a woman's problem!!!

He had a look in my eye, poured some stuff in it, had to follow a light. The conclusion is that its my hayfever causing all the problems. IM not keen on taking hay fever tablets as they make me very drowsy, but he reassured me that the ones he will give me wont, but best to take them at night in case they do!!! I have also got some more eyedrops and some ventolin, all on repeat scrip too..so much easier.

Got my srcips, went to the shop and home again. Just looked at my eye to put the drops in. Got a shock as my eyes is orange from the dye, which has run under my eye, this gives the impression of a bruised eye, no wonder I kept getting funny looks!!!!

Took a pill about 1/2 an hour ago, Im feeling a wee bit drowsy, but I need to get on with some jobs in the garden, although I could just have a lay down......

Nowt like a good scratch!!!!

Hog Bash

Whilst in bed last night I had the cams on still just ready to turn them off and settle in for the night, when I saw 2 hogs on the tv one being Jill. Awwww I thought until the other (I think Jack but could be no4) took a running leap at her and crash!!! Normally this doesn't bother them but she looked a bit upset and sloped off.

Up dressed with torch out to find her as it really was a big shove. She was in the carpark very still, just looking up at me. Had a quick look over her, fine more ego bruised really. I gently lifted her away from the carpark (she wasn't in the best place to sit still) gave her some cat biscuits right under her nose and within 60 secs she was crunching away like nothing ever happened. Phewwww. Back to bed for me!

Watched playback and she has been coming through out the night too...

Fallen out again

Hmmm she wont see me if I hide!!!
This cage is no match for me, she should know that by now, silly human

Sad story

I had to get some ink for the printer, as Ive got some printing to do for work, managed to blag and early finish (well on time), got changed at home then off I went to staples. I had the idea to tie it into a trip to tescos to stock up on sultanas for the coming of the fledglings. Im now laden down with as many sultanas one human can possibly carry setting off for the 20 min walk home.

On the way back you can go through a sort of park, that has a cricket ground adjacent (rubgy in winter). Im the type of person that walks round with eyes wide open for wildlife. Then I spot something on the cricket field, its brown with spikes and it isnt moving.. In my heart I know what it is and also how unequipped at dealing with him.

I run back to tescos to get a box (not easy with a mountain of sultanas) Grab the nearest box I can find that is full of carrier bags, they are soon tipped out onto one of the checkouts, then Im back out the store.

As I get closer to the hog, I can see Im too late, it looks like the poor thing has been there all day, especially as the amount of flies that were on it. It looked like it had been ripped apart, with several feet unattached from its body and no face. My heart sank.

Thoughts now was to move it away from where it lay. As I had no means really to move the poor hog. I went over to what looked like the greensman. I asked him to move the poor hog. His ignorance astounded me. He said wasnt there yesterday when he cut all the grass. He offered to put in hedge as that is why they are called hedgehogs. I explained again that the hedgehog was dead, otherwise I would be taking it with me. I have never received such a look of disbelief from anyone in my whole entire life. A woman who was with him sympathised and offered that a bird may have attacked it.

The rage now growing is so trying to escape not really at the man and the woman, but just people in general (I know not everyone is the same) The man agrees to get a spade and put the hog under the hedge, Im on my way again. I get to a bench sit down and sob a little, disposing of the box in a near by bin.

The way back Im angry, angry that not many people care now (yes I know loads do, but bare with me) about out wildlife, about an animal that has lived for years and years, yet is now in serious decline, ah its just a hedgehog. Or the times Ive heard I want a hedgehog in my garden to eat the snails and slugs. Oh right so they do that do they? What about I want to encourage them as they are an integral part of our British wildlife that in not so many years to come could no longer be here? Oh no its what thet can do for you!!

How can people be so fucking selfish in the way they live their lives. Not giving a toss about whats around them, as long as they are ok. How can so many people walk down the street not hearing the song of a blackbird, look up and revel in its glory. How many people walked past that hedghog and didnt stop to help, if they couldnt do it themselves they could have asked the chap who was there, how long did that poor animal suffer? How can they not see the damage that we are doing with out pollution and our litter, hey some one will pick it up..wont they? Never mind for effect it has on all around us. As long as Im ok, who gives a fuck about the rest.

I am so pleased I have more compassion, sensitivity to be aware of what is around me. That I hear and appreciate the natural world, not just viewing it on the tv (oh), but actually living with it day in day out, trying the best I can to help it along, thrive. That im not living up my own arse.

I apologise for my language in the above post, I am very aware of others that do appreciate wildlife and in fact help more than I do.

More rubbish

I find again this morning a bag has been put out that is now ripped open and the contents all over the car park. I see red very occasionally but this morning I see very red!!!!!

Litter is now cleared re bagged with a not so nice note attatched and placed right on the doorstep of the culprit. A letter is also being sent to the landlord (im sick of it). I did put my house number on the note if he wanted to discuss this in more detail. I just hope that now a game of pass the rubbish doesn't happen. Otherwise I will be forced to post each individual item through his letter box! The amount of rubbish that could have been recyled too is beyond belief!

We shall see what happened, best calm down (think happy thoughts) and be off to work....

More bird photos

Uh Oh!!!

Best start stocking up now on all the food needed to keep an army of fledged starlings happy!!!!

Last year the count was up tp 80! Wonder if I still have my ear plugs some where

Well..

It looks like all the business of mating is over, especially from all the groaning I heard the other night so unless Jack finds another female to add to his harem, we are back to eating, sleeping and scratching each night. Last night was the first time that they had been more active around the food bowl and boy did they all eat! I can imagine Mr magpie was very disappointed with the leftovers this morning. They are also back to using their boxes again, typically as I had planned to clean them out and put some nice fresh straw in, oh well will have to work around them.

Sorry the photos are so grainy I need to move the cams round a bit to get the best light.

Johnny Cash

Had to just add this, just heard on the radio, craking song and wonderful lyrics enjoy

JOHNNY CASH
HURT

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hold
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

[Chorus:]What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else I am still right here

[Chorus:]What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away I would keep myself I would find a way

Dont sleep during the day...

I dont mind admitting I wasnt up particulary early today, I snoozed for more hours than I care to mention... I felt quite fed up this afternoon so went back to bed, my eyes feel better closed than open. Now I feel wide awake with nowt to do apart from reminisce...

Some years ago I would be out when did that change, when did I start to feel old why does it bother me going out faced with teens wearing too little (they will catch their death), when did the noise become to loud? Too loud to hear the person next to you.. Oh dear, its happened Im now officially a miserable grump! Checking the weather daily, oh my! Wont be long til ive converted to radio 4 (not there's nowt wrong with radio 4 im sure).

Funny thing age it kinda sneaks up on you then Wham you are in your 30's, then where next oh no not 40's dont want to start with a 4. Time I made some plans, what I want to do before im 40, I will ponder over this the next few days and get back to you. I know one thing I want to do, but cant say here...you will have to wait and see...

Confined to quarters

Dont get me wrong, I love this time of year, when the sun is out and everything is growing, but it doesnt love me. Was planning to have a day out today, but when I eventually managed to rouse from my bed, poked my nose out of the window and saw what a lovely day it was..took a deep breathe in, then had a sneezing fit for about 1/2 an hour..oh well

I did walk to town to get some more sunflower hearts and get a bit of shopping. Its lovely and warm but now my nose is dripping eyes streaming and Im coughing :(

I have a few jobs in the house that I can get on with to keep me occupied. Roll on late summer thats what I say!!!

current track rattling around

And I wish I knew howIt would feel to be free
I wish that I could break
All the chains holding me
I wish I could say
All the things that I’d like to say
Say ’em loud say ’em clear
For the whole round world to hear
I wish I could share
All the love that’s in my heart
Remove every doubt
It keeps us apart

And I wish you could know
What it means to be me
Then you’d see and agree
Every man should be free

I wish I could live
Like I’m longin’ to live
I wish I could give
What I’m longin’ to give
And I wish I could do
All the things I’d like to do
You know they’ll still miss part of you

Yes sir...
And I’m way way over due
I wish I could be like a bird up in the sky
How sweet it would beIf I found out I could fly
So long to my song
And look down uponthe sea
And I sing because I know
I would see you
I sing because I knowI would see you
And I sing because I know
I would see you
To be free yea

Be it...dont dream it..

Ok Im aware that I havnt updated for a few days, I have been very tired due to mainly burning the candle at both ends, working long hours and generally being a wee bit stressed with it all.

Im not normally a stressed person, most who know me will testify to this, although those that know me better will tell you its because I keep it all inside. I have this really good habit of hiding how Im really feeling, then denying all knowledge about it. Why? I have no idea, sometimes I think that I enjoy feeling that everything is tragic, if it wasnt then I wouldnt know how to feel. Actually its because thats how I was bought up, to hide all feelings of upset and just to get on with it and for goodness sake dont tell anyone.

The above is the main reason why I shut myself off, its so much easier to deal with in that way, plus the reason why I push people away. Hey I just dont want to get hurt again, Im scared to let anyone get close again, in case they fuck me over and im left again picking up the pieces. Ironically the main reason that relationships have failed are for two reasons. No1 Im so scared of being hurt, I push away until Im not able to actually be with. No2 I have this vision in my head of how it should be, I cant compromise on this, Ive tried and this has ended up in some pretty poor relationships, where Ive tolerated to the best of my ability some annoying chap, until Ive wanted to put sharpened twigs in my eyes.

Talking of which Ive also got an eye infection that is driving me mad. Constant itching and gunky eyes...nice!!

Really I guess what Im getting at, what I am asking is there an ideal out there, or am I just dreaming?

Still all the above is better than unrequited love, that really is a fucker (sorry for language boo)

Oh no!

Quick update, had a test this morning....failed it twice...arrrgrghhhhhh!!!!!

Exams are looming

I have a later start this morning, not much but half and hour as I was called back to work yesterday! Having just realising that Ive an exam on the 25 of this month, Im now in panic mode. What kind of exam sends me into panic mode? The one where you get three attempts to pass it, else you are down the road mate, do not pass go, dont even think about collecting your £100. I have two huge work books to go through (about a foot thick each) plus a mock test. Thats my weekend sorted then!!!

My bt broadband is working now, I attempted to change over the modem to a router (apparently quicker) how difficult could that be. Well very as it didnt work, I soon got fed up of it and put the old modem back. Annoying thing was I followed all the instructions to the letter, not a thing that I normally do. My next attempt I will just put it all together and try my way. There are so many wires that came with it, all in pretty colours, what on earth they are for...who knows!!!??

Not much on the hog front to post about at the minute, as more natural food is about they will come to the dish less and less, until hoglets are here. I still think Jack is romancing Ickle, I also feel he will be off, once his job here is done to find some more girl hogs...he is a lad that one!!!

Desperado

Desperado,
why don't you come to your senses,
You've been out ridin fences for so long now,
Oh and you're a hard one,
but I know that you've got your reasons,
The things that are pleasin' you can hurt you somehow.

Don't you draw the Queen of Diamonds boy,
she'll beat you if she's able.
You know the Queen of Hearts is always your best bet.
Now it seems to me some fine things have been laid upon your table,
But you only want the ones you can't get.

Desperado, you ain't gettin no younger,
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin you home,
And freedom, oh freedom,
well that's just some people talkin.
Your prison is walking through this world all alone.

Don't your feet get cold in the wintertime,
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine,
It's hard to tell the nighttime from the day.
And you're losin all your highs and lows,
Ain't it funny how the feelin goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses,
Come down from your fences- open the gates.
It may be rainin,
but there's a rainbow above you.
You'd better let somebody love you,
LET SOMEBODY LOVE YOU.

You'd better let somebody love you,
before it's too late.

This is one track that plays round and round my head...great track, meaningful words and very true

Routine

I am a creature of habit and dont like my routines to be disturbed. Partly due to my ocd's. At work for instance yesterday, went to my desk and it was all different, the cleaner had been on a mad cleaning frenzy. Pc moved, everything I use all in the wrong place. Even my bin was different, "normal" people would have adapted and probably not even noted the change. I however spent the next hour re-arranging everything to how it was. Including hunting down my bin, which eased the palpitations some what! When all was back how it was, I had a sense of calmness again.

Im not quite so bad at home though. Oh ok I have all the tins lined up in the cupboards in correct size and type (just easier). Bathroom is the same too, bottles lined up so I can see when Im running low (thats my excuse and Im sticking to it)

I have a routine in the morning, one at lunch and a whole bag of them for the evening. Which Im sure I could do with my eyes closed! Talking of which Id best carry on with the morning one...wouldn't want to be late for work now!

I am a rock

I Am A Rock - Paul Simon & Art Garfunkel

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock, I am an island.

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship;
friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock, I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock, I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock, I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

Tell me why...

I dont like Mondays, tell me why I dont like Mondays...

Woke up feeling anxious this morning, that feeling where you wake up and think you have overslept. The panic that establishes itself in you until you give in and check the clock to find its 5am. Then you cant get back to sleep through the fear of oversleeping. This gives you about 2 1/2 hours then to contemplate how your day is going to be, which is never a good idea as normally its a lot worse in my head than on paper. Im feeling cyan today. Monday is never a good day for me at work either.

Plan of action? Grit teeth and survive the day..

Rant

I must unfortunately start this entry with a moan (unaccustomed as I am to moaning). I have just picked up 4 carrier bags from around the carpark and re bagged a very inconsiderate neighbours rubbish as the bad had split open. I will try and catch him this week to ask him to put his rubbish out on fridays!!! New neighbours have just seen me stomp around the carpark cursing the carrier bags, so hopefully they will stop putting theirs out too! Rubbish makes me soooooo mad!

On a different note, Ive been rather busy today..all the business is up straight I only have to make one phone call to the inland revenue to explain why they think I have overpaid them, even though I have sent this information 2 times now. The grass has been cut, bird feeders washed and restocked. House sort of tidied but can do more during the week. I feel better now all the finances are done and all the business is straight. I do hate it when it all piles up. Feel I can breathe again.

Still to do...clean windows, re-decorate kitchen, buy i/r light (ive seen one on website I like), put links on blog, get more countries than Pete! Clean out guttering's, make a shelter for hog food...i have an idea on that one, bit like a bird table with roof. Still if I can get some more jobs off my list I will feel even better.

I must stress that the next part of my blog isnt how im currently feeling, but I really wanted to share it with some-one, share my depression.

Hey feeling better is what all of us really want to feel. When we are so low that all we can do is sit and cry for seemingly no reason (been there) feel over-whelmed by the slightest of things, despondent with our lives and the tasks ahead. When all you want to do is curl up in the tightest of balls in the dark so no-one knows you are there. Lets face it do they really know you are there? When everything around you seems tarnished and the hope of it ever being better is very remote, when all you want to do is for it all to disappear, for you to disappear. What mainly stops you is guilt, guilt of the people who do care for you and the way they will feel. Stick on that false smile that fake laughter the idle chatter, where in your head its screaming...get me out of here. The anger and anguish that comes with it too is mind blowing. The thoughts of why cant i be normal, think normal thoughts be like everyone else and just get on with it. The self critical hatred remarks that go round and round your head until you almost feel sick with it. You get to the point where you just feel so empty and devoid of all things that make you get up that you stop doing that, then bit by bit you stop doing everything apart from think about how things were and how things could have been or should have been. If only is a cruel cruel word and it brings such longing for the things that if only had been different. Until you get to the point where everything is black, that for me is the scary place, thats when I know I need help, (that place for me has appeared 4 times, each time I was lucky) whether it be back to the doctors or whatever, just get some help quick.

Then you wait, you wait for the pill to work. You worry the pill wont work, you start monitoring your feelings, surely you shouldn't feel that way now. You worry that you still feel lost among it all. You stand and stare at the world going by, shrinking away from anyone and everyone. Personally I do try and avoid the pills, been on them probably 5 times, but for me they cause more worry. A big part for my recovery is to accept that I feel this way, accept that im always going to feel this way, and try the best to get through the blue times. I have a chart in my head its a colour scale of blue, each day I mark where I am, then decide how I will get through the day, or whether I will just stay in bed and sleep. Oh I wish I could tell you of a cure a magical thing that makes you feel better, im so sorry there isnt one. What I can say is it does get better, the grey skies will lift. Ok we will never be normal or at least how we perceive normal to be. This is normal for us, this is how we will live our lives, if you can accept that and try to work with it rather than against it, it will get better. If you start to cry, just cry dont punish yourself for crying. Same with anger if you hit something hit it, but dont beat yourself up after. Depression is a whole mixture of emotions if you can accept each one and deal with each one, but dont worry it doesnt make you less of a person, in my books more of a person as you are more emotive and sensitive. Hey depression is the new black!!!

To end I just want to say, right now everything is crap. If I could swap places with you I would in an instant. Im here if you want me, and I really hope some of this makes sense...

Stormy weather

I had to collect a parcel for phill from the post office. I phoned a lady Friday morning as I received one of those cards where they say they have been unable to deliver..I ask if I can have it redelivered to my work place...no cant do that as it is special delivery I will have to come and collect. Give her the package code..oh this isnt your parcel, no I explain that he is in russia so unable to collect parcel. Oh you will have to get him to sign the card giving you authority to collect the package...erm he is in russia! The reply was "well thats not our problem"..I bite my tongue to stop the obscenities that are on the verge of being fired at this woman. I calmly explain I hold power of attorney would that be sufficient to collect parcel on his behalf...lady doesnt know but informs me I will have to bring his passport or driving licence with me..ARGGHH!!! He is in russia and needed to take those documents with him I spit with a tinge of sarcasm, my reply " Well thats not our problem". My tongue is now nearly bitten in half. I do however arrange for the parcel to be delivered to my local post office and the lady informs me best to take all your identification with you, and they will decide whether you can collect the parcel or not.

Im on my way to the post office with poa, my id and I have Phills business debit card and a bill in his name. Goes up to counter..I have a package to collect, giver her the card. She collects the package gives me the package and im on my way!! Wasnt asked for any identification at all!! Oh well at least I didnt have to have a row..

Some vouchers came through for staples so I decided to use them on some more rw dvd disks (russian tv isnt great so I tape Phill his favourite programmes). On the way back I do stop in aldis again and buy some spring water. There was an idiot two people ahead. Who was making a huge fuss about he doesnt sign the back of his debit card, he refuses on principle...I think to myself hmm if only his card was to fall out of his wallet some-one pick it up sign the back of the card how they want to. Then goto a shop that isnt using chip and pin (there are loads still) and empty his bank account, wonder if that would make him liable to loss?

Starts to rain on the way back, Oh crap I knew I should have taken a jacket..ive about a 15 minute walk in the rain ahead of me and its pouring. Ive got those big drips running down my face settling on the end of my nose. My eyes are blurred from the rain water. I see several people I know who all ask me where my umbrella is, I resist the urge to say oh its in my bag just felt like getting wet!

Im walking at break neck speed absolutely soaked to my skin, the relief hits me as i turn into the carpark and into my house. Where I can dry off and have a nice cup of tea...

Hedgehogs at it again

Well I thought all that business of making friends was over. Apparently not, after having a snack break they continued in the back garden into the night, huffing and puffing. Took some stills from the cam, you will see how much bigger Jack is than Ickle..she isnt even a year old as yet!!

Look what I was given today! Had to put them by the window though as I keep sneezing! Also noticed my windows could do with a clean, will add the job to my list

Oh and as promised a photo of Pete, the hoglet Anna made (clever girl)
Anna is collecting any old bits of wool to make these hogs so she can sell them to make money for hog charities. I will put some links up over the weekend so you know where to contact her..