Rant

I must unfortunately start this entry with a moan (unaccustomed as I am to moaning). I have just picked up 4 carrier bags from around the carpark and re bagged a very inconsiderate neighbours rubbish as the bad had split open. I will try and catch him this week to ask him to put his rubbish out on fridays!!! New neighbours have just seen me stomp around the carpark cursing the carrier bags, so hopefully they will stop putting theirs out too! Rubbish makes me soooooo mad!

On a different note, Ive been rather busy today..all the business is up straight I only have to make one phone call to the inland revenue to explain why they think I have overpaid them, even though I have sent this information 2 times now. The grass has been cut, bird feeders washed and restocked. House sort of tidied but can do more during the week. I feel better now all the finances are done and all the business is straight. I do hate it when it all piles up. Feel I can breathe again.

Still to do...clean windows, re-decorate kitchen, buy i/r light (ive seen one on website I like), put links on blog, get more countries than Pete! Clean out guttering's, make a shelter for hog food...i have an idea on that one, bit like a bird table with roof. Still if I can get some more jobs off my list I will feel even better.

I must stress that the next part of my blog isnt how im currently feeling, but I really wanted to share it with some-one, share my depression.

Hey feeling better is what all of us really want to feel. When we are so low that all we can do is sit and cry for seemingly no reason (been there) feel over-whelmed by the slightest of things, despondent with our lives and the tasks ahead. When all you want to do is curl up in the tightest of balls in the dark so no-one knows you are there. Lets face it do they really know you are there? When everything around you seems tarnished and the hope of it ever being better is very remote, when all you want to do is for it all to disappear, for you to disappear. What mainly stops you is guilt, guilt of the people who do care for you and the way they will feel. Stick on that false smile that fake laughter the idle chatter, where in your head its screaming...get me out of here. The anger and anguish that comes with it too is mind blowing. The thoughts of why cant i be normal, think normal thoughts be like everyone else and just get on with it. The self critical hatred remarks that go round and round your head until you almost feel sick with it. You get to the point where you just feel so empty and devoid of all things that make you get up that you stop doing that, then bit by bit you stop doing everything apart from think about how things were and how things could have been or should have been. If only is a cruel cruel word and it brings such longing for the things that if only had been different. Until you get to the point where everything is black, that for me is the scary place, thats when I know I need help, (that place for me has appeared 4 times, each time I was lucky) whether it be back to the doctors or whatever, just get some help quick.

Then you wait, you wait for the pill to work. You worry the pill wont work, you start monitoring your feelings, surely you shouldn't feel that way now. You worry that you still feel lost among it all. You stand and stare at the world going by, shrinking away from anyone and everyone. Personally I do try and avoid the pills, been on them probably 5 times, but for me they cause more worry. A big part for my recovery is to accept that I feel this way, accept that im always going to feel this way, and try the best to get through the blue times. I have a chart in my head its a colour scale of blue, each day I mark where I am, then decide how I will get through the day, or whether I will just stay in bed and sleep. Oh I wish I could tell you of a cure a magical thing that makes you feel better, im so sorry there isnt one. What I can say is it does get better, the grey skies will lift. Ok we will never be normal or at least how we perceive normal to be. This is normal for us, this is how we will live our lives, if you can accept that and try to work with it rather than against it, it will get better. If you start to cry, just cry dont punish yourself for crying. Same with anger if you hit something hit it, but dont beat yourself up after. Depression is a whole mixture of emotions if you can accept each one and deal with each one, but dont worry it doesnt make you less of a person, in my books more of a person as you are more emotive and sensitive. Hey depression is the new black!!!

To end I just want to say, right now everything is crap. If I could swap places with you I would in an instant. Im here if you want me, and I really hope some of this makes sense...