01 May 2006

I cant sleep again, probably my own fault as I did have an hour snooze this afternoon, I just could not keep my eyes open and as soon as I lay down on the sofa I was gone.

Im feeling quite stressed too, which doesn't help I have a million and one things racing around my head at a million miles per hour...stop I want to get off. Its like the feeling when I was a kid and I was on a roundabout going round and round and round. I feel sick but the roundabout hasn't stopped yet so I cant get off. Then when it does stop i'm still dizzy and reeling from the whole ordeal.

Im worried that I seem to be getting hay fever early and its affecting my one good ear (im partially deaf in one ear, not a problem as such as long as I can see the person talking to me). Im worried that the next 1/2 year is starting and I haven't caught my breathe from the last 1/2 year. Im worried that this is all my life will be and is going to be. Im worried that I keep shutting myself off from people. Im worried how my worries are stopping me from getting on with life. Im worried that people worry for me. Im worried if Ive upset people. Im worried for people I care about. Im worried that tomorrow will be the same as today. Im worried what people think of me. Im worried that they think I'm mad. Im worried for worrying...oh god I worry too much.

From euphoria to scraping the barrel could well be the title of my life story. If only I could get on an even keel. Problem is I really dont know what would make me happy anymore. The glass here is always half empty. Its been a bad spell quite a few months now that's all. I just wish I knew a way to stop it.

Its raining quite heavy now. I do enjoy a good rainfall makes everywhere fresh and the smell is intoxicating. Yet I dont feel like I normally do when it rains I cant quite feel it. I really need to change something in my life, yet I dont know what, its very frustrating when you arnt happy yet dont know how to change it. It probably is quite simple, im renowned for making something out more than it is. Situations are turned into dramas, extremely self critical too (thats the Virgo in me) Suppose in many ways I want some one to share my life with, yet when I have Ive pushed them away..I want what I dont have and dont have what I want. Or dont know what I want but will when it comes along? Ive done so much for others that now I regret as I keep putting everyone else ahead of me, although being selfish isnt something im good at, but maybe I need to try harder.

I mean why am I still living in my ex's house running his business looking after his affairs? Why is that? Am I still in love with him? Dont think so. Dont get me wrong I love him to bits but not in that way. I do know why though he is the one thing that has remained constant in my torrid life. In many ways he is my glue, my tile paste that I will buy tomorrow. Few years ago he got a girlfriend and I was gutted as I thought that I no longer had my pal the one person who knew how to save me each and every time I needed saving..luckily she was a real cow and it lasted no more than a few weeks. One day though he will find someone then in many ways I will have no-one. He is like my whole family wrapped into one (well much better than my family as I dont really have one anymore).

So I need to change stuff. I need to be more independent whilst still being reachable. I also need to be more bloody positive...I need to ascertain some goals in life and not worry I will fail but put all my energy into reaching them. I want to be known as some-one who doesnt moan or needs to be worried about or feel sorry for but who gets on with it.

I wonder if this post will still be here tomorrow????


janine13 said...

*big hug*

You have a good heart and you will find happiness someday, I am sure of it.

lol, that sounded like a fortune cookie


Pete said...

*hugs* from me too

flicker said...

Christ Nicola, everytime I read one of your entries like this, I realise more and more how much we have in common. I could have written this, I know exactly how you feel, even the being deaf in one ear! I'm supposed to wear a hearing aid, but until I get a lot worse, I refuse to, I tried when I first was prescribed it, and it was a nightmare.

My ex met someone else, but unfortunately for me, she wasn't a cow, and they are still together now after three years, and I get on great with her.

The main difference is that I'm old enough to be your mum, and have little chance of meeting anyone now, not sure I even want to.

So sorry you are feeling down again, it's easy for me to say, but just think of all the positive things about your life that you do like, that's what I am trying to do right now. Another hug from me too.

nicola said...

You lot are making it impossible for me to delete this. My pc had errors so wouldnt come on then I couldnt get on to blogger edit thing to delete it. Can you all pretend it isnt here please

Boo said...

Not flipping likely, we need to know how you are feeling so that we can offer comfort. Nic, I am so sorry you are feeling down, worse still there is nothing that anyone can do EXCEPT offer comfort, please allow us that.