Me update

Time for an update on me.

Well, where do I start, everything is mainly ticking along, im taking my pills everyday. In fact I just went down to the doctors for my repeat scrip. Strangely on the way down there, I was thinking about what would happen if I got there and the scrip was missing. More oddly when I did actually get there the scrip was missing! Spooky, it was still with the doctor, they eventually tracked it down and I got my scrip.

One of the reasons Ive never kept on the pills is the embarrassment I feel when I have to get them from the pharmacy, now its all in my head I know that, but I cant help but feel a sense of failure. Now I know that Im not a failure and well this is an illness as much as chicken pox is, but I do think that when it is to do with the mind, people tend to back off a bit. Actually now when you say to people you are depressed, they either don’t believe you or think you are just trying to get time off work. Some one I sort of know recently found out that there dad had cancer, very very sad and my deepest sympathies go to them, but it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth when that person then gets signed off work for 2 weeks suffering from depression, a thing that they are highly proud of. In fact when ever I hear people say that they are depressed, due to non-depressive things I do find myself getting quite mad really, guess its gone the same way as back pain. The only time I have had off with depression was about 4 years ago now; I had 2 hours off as I couldn’t get myself composed.

Thing is I find myself now pretending that Im happy and that Im ok. Phill says he notices the difference in me, that I should carry on taking the pills, man what must I have been like before. But Im not sure when the pretence finishes and reality starts. Its quite mind boggling. Am I happy as I am happy, or is it a false happy as Im led to believe that the pills make me happy?!?

I also don’t feel right in myself, can’t put my finger on it, but something’s not right. Im having really bad nightmares again, almost to the point of hallucination. For a while now Ive been waking up in floods of sweat, I put it down to being hot. Your temperature rises before having a period. Wearing PJ’s in bed. Now when I wake up, im pretty groggy so tend to think urrrghhk then go back to sleep. This morning I made myself wake up, I wasn’t hot at all, didn’t feel hot, not hot to the touch, yet my whole body was soaking, you could have rung out my hair. I distinctly remember having a really horrible dream, not the normal type where im being murdered or owt like that. More the type where past is forced into the present, the what could have been are lived out in your dreams. The mind can be a particularly cruel thing.

I don’t know; guess I should stop trying to make sense out of everything. Some days it just feels like 3 steps forward and 50 back. Especially when I came home and cried again, without even knowing why.

Anyway, going to do some boxing then will post up some photos, maybe that will make me smile.