Seconds out...

Its not my junk!

Well was up early this morning, cracked on with the washing, then was outside taking some photos. At one point the ltt's were landing on the trunk and I was only 3 feet away. Been a nice day weather wise, apart from a few showers, which funnily enough wasnt long after I had put the washing out!

Phill came home from work at 12 and decided that after some lunch WE was going to sort out MY junk and take to the tip! Made a start, boxed up some of HIS books and HIS videos. Moved onto the bedroom (no not like that), sorted out some old computer stuff that apparently I decided I didnt want to throw away! Made him box up 2 of HIS film cameras, which he wasnt going to, until I explained that we already have 2 cameras and do not need them. So we took all this down to the charity shop. Back home sorted out some more rubbish. Do you know HE has 9 bags, yes 9 bags, from luggage to rucksack...amazing. He decided to bin some of them.

Bagged it all up and off to the tip..I went off to the bottle bank to put the wine bottles in, unknowingly to me, he hadnt emptied one of his bottles and red wine went all over my face and jumper, jumper being a cream one at that!!! I wasnt pleased at all.. So to the tip we took 3 of HIS bags, 2 bags of HIS magazines, some shredded paper, box of HIS cables and wires and stuff, the old pc tower (minus its hardrive), HIS broken camcorder, some wood and some other stuff.

The point of the clear out was meant to be for me so how come it was all HIS stuff that was cleared out???? Apparently its the wardrobes tomorrow.......Hopefully I wont be here ;)

Fallen out of love

Change ?

Well no rat again last night on the cam, but im still not confident of the problem being gone, Pauline came up with a good point that my neighbours may have seen the rat and would call the council to put poison down, will look out for the rat-man-van!

Ive decided to ask for a change of branch at work, there is so much going on that I just dont want to go through again and again, plus some other changes that will happen, I just think that it is time for a change. However I will firstly see whats available after all I dont want to be travelling too far, plus would like to go into a nice branch. Ok it means I wont be able to come home for lunch, would be home later (not by much) but at the end of..I have to try.. Plus Im sure it will do me good too, new people to see new opportunities and all that. If it happens I will dread telling my regulars as they wont be happy that I would go, but Im sure they will understand. Still it might not happen as yet and certainly wont happen immediately. Of course now I am even thinking about another career change, but not sure as to what I would want to do..

Thank God its Friday though...Phill has planned my w/e, its going to be sorting out the garden (thats ok), sorting out the bedroom, putting some stuff up in the loft and he also wants me to sort through my clothes to take to the charity shop. Ive got the payroll to run and end of year payroll but think I will leave that until next w/e to do. Now I would want to start these jobs tonight when I get home from work, but he wont want to do that, instead I will have to spend all day Saturday doing it! As a compromise Ive asked him to drop me off at the flutter place on Sunday, means he can have a chilled out day watching racing and I get to go some where nice. But ive been thinking this morning, if its in a tropical house type thing, wont my lens get steamed up?????

No Rat

Watched playback this morning and no rat seen again, so hopefully its found some where else to live! Pleased I didn't have to do anything drastic, but will still keep an eye out for any return visits.

Oh I got a contact from friends reunited last night, from a girl I used to share a house with in Scunthorpe! What a bolt out of the blue that was! Anyway she is still living near York and has a son! Blimey haven't seen her for 11 years, but we are going to plan to meet up this year as she might be visiting London, so will meet her down there!

Phill decided yesterday to do some spring cleaning! Came home after a hell on earth day at work, to find my front room upside down, it was a nice thing for him to do, but as I was stressed from work, it was difficult not to chastise his timing, I just asked that by the time I got back from the dentist it was all back to how it was again. Of course when I got back from the dentist it was still the same, so had to help finish the job.. Dentist was fine, he did a lovely job and now I am pain free..YIPPPEEEE My desk here has now all been changed but he has tidied up all the wires, so he did do a good job bless him, just sometimes you want to come home from work and not have to start putting your house back together again!!!

Think he is here for another week too, but that's ok, its nice to have some company, but the tv being on constant does strain my Patience some what!

Oh well, soon be Friday, then its Easter so nice long weekend to look forward too. Hope the weather is nice...

Love is....

sharing your dinner

Hog Porn!!

Its started already! Well a small half hearted attempt anyway, click the vid link and you will see...unfortunately the video got switched off last night when phill went to bed, so didnt record all night, hopefully no rat visit again, but cant be sure...

Another happy cat seen though!



Dentist today too, hope its not as involved as last time...

good news

well no rat seen last night on cam, I upped the amount of catnip last night, now I did get 3 very happy cats, so is it the catnip or the cats that kept him away. If anyone has a pet rat, perhaps a small experiment of putting some catnip under its nose and see if it really does repel them...OK im not thinking that just as I had one night with out a visit that its actually gone, but I cant help but be hopeful about it. My main concern being that I didnt want to put poison down, just hope that it has been the catnip as I can put that out as if doesnt affect the hogs. We will have to see though, it might come back still.......

Another busy busy day ahead, plus got to go back to dentist tomorrow for the next part of my treatment...joy!

For now though Im quite content, which is a nice feeling...

hmmm

A short rat visit last night at 00.18 am was here for one minute, sniffed, sniffed and sniffed then left. Maybe the catnip does work? Anyway, phill has agreed to help me try and discourage them, he doesn't like the poison idea even if we do bring the hogs in, as it might kill something else, he was talking about finding their runs, by looking for black oily marks....he used to work on a farm as a small boy until he left for college, so has experience with rats as he used to shift the bale, so he was telling me last night. He has offered to get an air rifle and shoot it, which too be fair ok it sounds cruel, but would be quicker and less painful than poison. However im not so sure that would work either, so he said we will devise a cunning plan later today.

Talking of plans, he is often prone to flights of fancy, one idea after then next, but he is a thinker not a doer. The doing part is normally where I come in. In fact even he said last night that the only plan that has ever worked was starting his own business, mainly as I did it all for him! Well this next plan I can see the potential in I really can, so will have to start investigating and setting it up for him. I will have to push him, but it will hopefully be a winner and we will all benefit.

Well that's about it for now, horrible foggy day, but hopefully it will clear later, my house looks like a bomb has gone off already, plus he is set to be here for at least a week maybe two...nice to have some company, we did laugh last night, plus if we are working on a common goal then we should be kept busy!

amazing

phill was really good about it, has decided that we will wait and see before calling council, even offered to help catch them too....phew phew phew

born worrier

Anything at all and I will worry about it, to the point of illness if need be. First thing is I will think of all the worse case scenarios, then think of even worse ones. Ok Im worried about the rat, not so much the rat, but other rats. Not even so much the other rats, but the fact that I might be stopped from feeding the birds and the hogs, which will devastate me.

So been looking for a cure that will not involve poisoning or trapping. I did look at some traps, but to be honest I would be forever releasing the hogs from them rather than the rat. Now I could be blowing this all out of proportion, it could well be a one off visit, the fact that it didn’t stat could be a factor of this. Ive never seen one during the day and today Ive been out in the garden all day looking for signs of burrowing and nesting. Not a thing could I find, even looked under the shed and nothing. It would surprise me if it was living in the ivy as the amount of birds and squigs that go in there im sure that I would have seen one by now.

Anyway back to cure, Ive read that they don’t like the smell of catnip, how true this is I don’t know, but it’s worth a try. So Ive bought some catnip and some catnip spray and have put it round the hog feeding area. Ive also had some advice from hog forum not to worry and that feeding hogs isn’t likely to increase the presance of rats. But they also thought that the catnip wouldn’t work, but its got to be worth a try….worse come to worse it will attract the local cats, which in turn should do the trick.

Of course the biggest thing I am dreading is telling Phill. He hates them, he doesn’t even like mice, doesn’t like squirrels, if he had his way he would kill them too. I can’t keep it from him though as he knows me too well and would know something is up. In preparation Ive bought him two bottles of his favourite wine, cooking him a roast dinner with pudding and bought him a newspaper, oh and taped the moto grand prix. Was wondering whether a softener would help, maybe hi Phill im pregnant….then the rat news wouldn’t seem so bad would it? Now yes you could say what is it to do with him, he doesn’t live here anymore, he isn’t your b/f anymore and you would be right. Another trait of my personality im afraid…I hate disappointing people, I get very nervous of inducing anger and I don’t like people to think bad of me. Not that it is my fault, but indirectly it is.

Oh well best stop going on and go check the garden again….obsessive too…moi.. Oh yes!!!

just gets better

Was looking out the window, saw a starling come down to feed, then starling was gone taken off by the sprawk for b'fast :( My mood now is some what saddened...

Have checked the shed for signs of gnawing and pleased to say nothing found there. I do really hope its a one off, but im not that silly to think that it will be. I will go down to b&q in a bit and see what they have down there. If not I will phone the council tomorrow, I can catch hogs and they can stay in for a while, wont be ideal but there is that solution at least...Why is it when things arnt going to bad, something always comes along to mess it up...?

b*******ks

Watching playback this morning and I had a visitor that I didnt want to see, first time in three years of feeding and Mr or Mrs rat have found me. The timing couldn't be better either, phill is back today and will be staying for a few weeks apparently. To say he will go barmy is an understatement. I am not so sure what to do really. Ratty didn't stay long and didn't eat, but I am sure that now he/she knows there is food available it will be back. Just wish that it wasn't this week as I could have dealt with it on my own, with phill back, chances of rats survival will be very slim. Anyway will have to do something about it as if the neighbours see then the pest men will be called anyway...oh what to do what to do.....

how cute!

Seen tonight....every one say awwwwwwww

bloody weather

Awful day weather wise today, was waiting to see if it would clear, but no chance. I took a walk down to pets at home to get some more meal worms, but they were sold out…damn it. Came back into town and went to a local store, that hadn’t had any for ages and ages, but today they did phew…so I bought 8 tubs!! They know im not mad in there and they know that they are for the hogs, so lets hope they get some more in!

Came back weather still crap, so any thoughts of going out with camera were put too bed, especially when the drizzle started…roll on those nice spring like days again!

Weird dream again last night, if anyone knows how to interpret them then please feel free. It started off that I was going to school, must have been when we was living in Dagenham as the bus was a red London one, double Decker. It was hot on the bus, but the windows weren’t working very well. The teacher was on the bus too, giving the lesson; the bus was also swerving all over the place. I think she was teaching biology as she as talking about the length of kidneys and how they works, but I couldn’t quite hear what she was saying, every time she asked me a question I was getting it wrong as I wasn’t able to hear the question in the first place.

I decided to get off the bus and walk, we was now though in Lincolnshire, very rural, wasn’t quite sure how I was then going to get back home, but knew if I took one way I would be fine, it I took the other way I would re live a previous dream (spooky but true). What did I opt for, yup to go re-live the other dream, which I have had several times before? Im in a small town now, there is a long bus queue but I know which one I need to get on. Driving the buss is a young boy, he is sort of gifted in the weird gifted sense, and he needs my help to do something else the future will all be fucked up. Firstly we have to get a computer and some wires; we get them and then get on the bus. After a bit we go past a farm, the tractors have all come to life and are planning on killing the farm workers, its raining and they are all driving about. The farmer comes out and gets knocked on the head by one of the machines and falls down onto a drain, the drain starts singing and opening up its grills, then closes the grills squashing the mans face in them, he cant breathe. The drain then flips over and the man is gone buried under the drain, which then starts singing again.

Well back on the bus, I kind of know where we are going and what to do, as Ive been here before. We go back in time, as we need to wire up the computer some where. Find the house, but we also need something else. I go off to find this, but get stopped by a woman who wants me to come into her house and look at her birds, which for some odd reason I do! So im sat in the garden pointing this out and that out. Her neighbour then comes round and complains about the noise, so its time for me to go, but unfortunately the “bad” people have found me, the only way to settle it is to have a drinking of shots competition, he has vodka, I have drambuie. Of course I win, he falls asleep, I escape to find the bus waiting for me, and everything has been done so we can now go back to our time.

However the “bad” people have woken up and are now on the back of the bus holding on via a rope, being dragged along behind us. There is also some one else in the bus now, not sure who they were. We get back to the town, the road is now a river, but we cant go under until we have the egg (yup a feckin egg) I run out and get the egg, which of course can talk and the bugger bit me too, so egg was nearly scrambled. Back in the bus, expect now it was a transit van, had to put our seatbelts on so we could go under the river and not drown, also had to make sure that the biting egg had its seat belt on too. We went under the river and all the people that were holding on via a rope went under the water and were drowning, the water was turning red, and the spirits of all these people were floating up to the surface of the water then popping as they reached the air.

Now you would think that would be it huh? Oh no, back in the town, we dropped off the people that had helped us, they were then returned to their families but at the right time, if that makes sense. One was dropped off and Whoppi Goldberg was her who mother who then started to sing and dance, which spilled out onto the street!

There was once chap left who we had to meet, found him and was talking to him, when a robot type came after us, luckily I had this device that shined green light into his eyes (yup green light, not sure why) it worked though, I also pressed the siren, so that the police came along too, but unfortunately it was a shape shifter, so was pretending to be a woman and the police let him go to come after me, but also now I had the police after me, in cars and helicopters too. I was just a dead end….when I woke up.

What the ****** does that mean then??????

Small tip....

Don’t lie down on your bed at lunchtime….as you fall asleep. I only laid down for a minute as my tummy was hurting and sometimes it helps to lay flat. Was just thinking about the weird dream I had last night, next thing I know Ive woke up in a panic and am late back to work….OOOOPPPPS

Anyway the dream last night was quite disturbing in many ways. I was getting married to one of my cousins, but it was also a double wedding with another cousin. For some reason I was late getting ready and had to get dressed and make up done on the bus, was trying to put mascara on but it kept glooping up on my eyelashes, which was very annoying. Well got to the church but it wasn’t a church it was like a drive through wedding place but you walked instead of driving, my other cousin who was getting married too, was wearing this black feathery dress, she did look stunning. I remember thinking where my groom is, can’t be my cousin. Then the doors opened and everyone else who was getting married was ushered through the doors, it was like queuing up at the post office.

I can’t quite remember what I was wearing, but I know I wasn’t happy with it, getting ready on a bus in a rush isn’t what one expects on ones wedding day! It all kind of moved on and we got our turn. Had to sit there and wait, but then I woke up, so not sure what would have happened after that!

Well thank &(*&&(** its Friday!!!!!!!! I do hope we get some sun this w/e haven’t had the camera out the last couple of days, as it’s just been so miserable here. If the weather is nice tomorrow, might go a bit further afield, but will probably decide that in the morning. For now I am going to get the house clean and tidy, so that’s one less thing to do, sort out some paper work, pay some bills, then chill out maybe with a nice glass of wine….shussshhhhhhhhhh

2 hogs!!!!

I knew it, earlier this evening I thought whilst watching the cam, Im sure thats a different hog to what ive just seen, much smaller. So I waited and waited and waited and bugger me, look what happened!!



Titch (as he is now known) was grabbed weighed and checked over, 580g's, not ticks or fleas and in very good condition. Must have been a very very late one, god knows how he has survived. Thank god though! He is staying in the box with Kimble (the other hog) I must get some paint this w/e so I can mark them, although at the moment its pretty easy to tell!!!

More snow >!>!>!>!>

I cant remember ordering snow for today...was quite a suprise this morning, especially as I was listening to the news and weather on the radio before getting out of bed and it said that it was fine and dry!!!

Oh well ive topped up the feeders so the birds have got plenty to eat, the starlings have just landed on mass, can hear them now squabling for the suet pellets Ive put out. Starlings do make me laugh with their behaviour could watch them all day.

I do hope the weather changes for the w/e would like to go some where on saturday to keep practising with the macro lens, will have to be local, but I think there are some places that should give me some subjects.

Oh well, best fight my way through the snow and be off to work..

More hog cam vids

Web Cams

As I was laid in bed last night, watching hog on cam, got me pondering about other stuff that Ive seen on cams. Now as my cam can be seen via yahoo, you do get a lot of random contacts thinking that you are stripping off in front of yours. How sad they must be when they see a hog sat in a dish eating. The times Ive been asked to strip off and show myself on cam! You must be joking its freeeeeeezing out there!

You do get some weird and wonderful people on the net. I remember rubber man, a chap with a fetish for rubber, he even sent some photos. Now as I am a naturally curious type I do sometimes pass the day with them, try and get to know the person behind the rubber. Btw there isn’t enough talcum powder in the world that would get me in rubber! At least I suppose its safe sex, after all the time it would take to get out the rubber, could you really be arsed then to set the world on fire?

Then there was foot fetish, hmmm why feet I don’t know, they are not the most attractive of body parts, although as I said the other night, hair on men’s toes is quite endearing! Then there are the cams that pop up and you see a naked chap on there doing well naked things! Of course I switch off instantly, don’t watch whilst secretly giggling to myself, they always manage to hide their faces though, guess they don’t want to be recognised in their “normal” every day life!

So yes I do have a webcam, but the chances of me appearing naked on it out in the garden are pretty slim, especially at this time of year, maybe when the weather warms up…………….ha ha.

Well Im on a course all day today, not sure whether I will enjoy or not, it’s about interview techniques. I actually hope they can stop me from winking at people, as I am really doing that at the moment, men or women, they get a parting wink, goodness knows what they think of me. I also hope that everyone just shuts up and gets on with it, no asking questions so there is a chance of an early bath! Im out of meal worms so have to go buy some when I get back else hog won’t have any dinner! Must choose a name for hog too.

Oh well best be on my merry little way…

Back to work

Well I feel much better this morning, I actually had a good nights sleep too, so feel much more refreshed. Shame the weather has turned colder, the wind is just bitter out there. I am pleased hog is choosing to stay over in the box as I know its nice and toasty in there, plus he has food on his doorstep so doesn't have to worry about lack of natural food about right now. He is still going off for a wander at night, the urge to mate in males can be very strong, so I hope he finds a nice willing girl hog.

Apart from that not much happening right now, coming to the end of march so will have to do end of year for the business but that's not too much of a big deal, just more time consuming than anything. I think that phill is back this Sunday, so if its nice I will ask him to cut the grass before he goes off again and fill up the petrol can too. Not sure what he is going to do when he comes back, he has been out seeing his g/f for the last three weeks, guess he will go back to Ireland again, but who knows with him!

Sick day

Well the tummy bug I had yesterday still wasnt finished so got sent home from work, im sure there is nothing left to come out now....(sorry)

To say ive been a wee bit bored is an understatement, cant abide day time tv so didnt even consider that a possibility. Have had the camera out a while, but the weather has been odd again, sunshine and snow! Turning nice again as I type this, but feel a bit sleepy now, plus my head is banging so I am considering a lay down......I always feel so guilty when I am off work bizarrely as I never really do have time off sick at all!

Oh forgot to put this morning, that the track I posted has to be another one of my all time faves..

Sometimes it snows in april (well march)

Hog coped very well with the snow, wasnt long til he was tucked back up in bed though!

well.................

Well I just wrote a page long blog, but realised I wasn’t ready to post that as yet, so just saved it for now.

Time to move on and get stronger and get better, fuck all the half wits that don’t deserve my thoughts or care, they are not worth it. If I say that to myself enough times I will start to believe it. Actually I can’t believe how stupid Ive been, im annoyed with myself, but there you go.

Well today Ive been a bit poorly so haven’t been able to venture far. Ive done some pre-course work for next week, well as much as I could anyway. Perhaps shouldn’t have done it whilst sitting next to the window as I was more watching the birds than actually concentrating. The second part is a residential, can’t remember where it is now, think its Manchester way but I could be wrong.

The jackdaws have just been making me laugh, 3 pairs fighting over one chimney, they are doing that funny body quiver which means they are in the mood for some love. Wonder if I did that down the pub on a Friday night I would pull?

Not so keen on the short w/e’s but the over time is good, so cant really complain. I was considering again, getting some part time work in the local hotel maybe breakfast shift or something like that, I might look into how much I would be paid as I wouldn’t mind doing a Sunday morning or something like that, plus I would be able to put that money to a holiday or just days out in general. Might find out about that this week.. Also want to look into doing a photography course, but think that might stretch the budget a little thin. There are plenty of online courses I can look at for now.

Oh well best put some dinner on and sort out hog food…..

3

2

Experiment

Urghhhk

Well I was starting to feel a bit better, work wasnt too bad, kind of what I expected really, but it was busy so the time flew by. On the way home I went via a small park like area and watched some squigs playing. They are so tame one actually sat next to me on the bench. Took some photos of them, but they were a bit close for the macro lens.

Came home and planted the honeysuckle and the lavender round the back, should give the bed a bit more interest and the flowers should attract bees and flutters too. My friendly robin was there helping me, managed also to get some close shots of him too. Still cant get him to hand feed, but he is happy to have me within 3 foot of him, so that did make me smile.

Then came in, something else happened and I feel like ive just taken about 10 steps back again. Just wish that people would listen to me thats all. Oh well, will put the photos on the other blog then find some stuff to do to keep me busy, before I start to either scream or cry.

not a lot too blog

Still fed up with being me, cant seem to talk myself round. Plan is to be very busy this w/e and keep busy, after all I dont want any spare time to start dwelling on stuff...got some gardening too do, bits in the house to do, so should (I hope) be ok.

Took some more bee photos today will put them on the other blog when they are done

Dinners Yum!

Hog tonight having slept in the box all day, licking his chops at the tasty meal worms...all he has to do now is find a mate!

A new day begins

Again! As I do every morning I walk into the garden and top up the feeders for the birds. I also check the veg patch to see if anything has grown. This morning I noticed that on the back of the seed packets is a photo of how the seedlings will look like, not sure why I havnt noticed that before! Anyway I can confirm this morning that I have carrots growing, not many but there is definatly carrots starting to pop up. Well it has cheered me a little..

Im so irritable and fed up again. I wish I could just flip a switch and it all be ok again. The signs are so clear when Im getting another episode that I instantly dread the next few days or weeks, or however long it decides to last. Then of course there is the guilt, I mean why should I feel guilty about having these, I feel guilty about writing them down on here. After all if anyone is sick of reading about my depression there are plenty of other blogs to read.

Inside my head I am screaming, screaming for it to stop and for it all to go away. Something’s make me so angry, things I don’t have any control over, but still cant get the anger to go away, cant get it out my head and gone for good. I feel cheated, that I can’t act “normally” therefore have the normal life I think others are having.

Disappointed in myself and others. I feel sorry for myself, then anger at my self pity. After all why do I think that I have it that bad, or worse than others? What right do I have to that? But then why should I feel like that, why can’t I feel sorry for myself. Why can’t I just close the curtains, not leave the house, not go anywhere or speak to anyone ever again if that’s what I feel like doing. I want to hide, but I don’t want to keep hiding my emotions, hiding how I really feel. I want to recognise them and shout them out. I FEEL CRAP.

I want to cope with how I feel, some how manage it; keep on top of it, live with it. I don’t want to keep beating myself up. I don’t want to keep having feelings of self loathing and worthlessness. I want to be even not odd. I want to be able to switch off my head so I can relax.

I don’t want people to tell me it will be ok.

I don’t want people to feel sorry for me.

I don’t want this battle every day.

I just don’t want to be depressed anymore.

Quick post

To say I got given a lovely bunch of flowers today by one of my customers...how sweet, there are loads of flowers too, will take a photo later, or tomorrow when the light is back! Everyone asked why he had bought them for me, which the reply was erm nothing, which is the truth. Its nice to be appreciated though, makes you feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside.

Tyke!

I have come to the conclusion that the visiting hog is tyke, mainly as I put out a dish of meal worms last night and the hog just wolfed them down, she was the only one that would eat meal worms and never really touched anything else. In fact looking at playback this morning there was an increase of visits the first being 11.45pm. At 12.05 am I was awoken by the dish rattling switched on the tv and she was out there in the dish chomping away. So last too bed, first to be up! Plus the fact that she was still up and about quite early this morning means I also think it was her, as it matches her behaviour last year! Stills are from last night, just hope she comes a bit earlier so those that view the cam in the evening can see her too. Must stock up on meal worms.

My mouth is less sore this morning too, which is great, I still cant chew on that side but the pain now is a dull ache much better than it was before, think Im just a wimp really. So back to normal again! Hope to take some photos today as the last couple of days I havnt :( Also when I get home from work I am going to sort out the wild bed a bit. I am going to move and plant the lavenders and the honey suckle in the wild bed to give it a bit of early interest to the bugs and beetles. Also I think it will be good for the honey suckle to have some more room. I would also like to maybe put some fuchsias in the bed too. Plus im thinking of slightly sinking a decoraters tray in the bed and filling it with water to create a sort of mini pond. So many wants and needs, good job Ive put myself in for overtime on Saturdays, first one being this w/e too. I will of course hate doing it, but ah well.

owwww continues

sorry if this is getting boring......this morning feels like my face has been hit by a truck, was considering calling in sick, but remembered I have some stuff to do, so will go and do that then see how I feel, but will try and get an early bath.

Hog news, he/she isnt coming til about 4 am, did eat a little more last night, my thoughts are that there must be some one else in the area feeding too, as a hog out of hibernation wouldnt eat as little as this one is doing and be the size it is. Great others are feeding too, will really give them a chance this year!

Apart from that not much else to say. The moss in the garden is being pulled up by the birds (great). Ive actually stuck some on the bird table too, just to give them a head start, I will have to think about cutting the grass soon though, as all this sunshine its growing like a dont know what!

Oh well, best get ready for work.

can I

have the numbness back please? OWWWWWWWW the pain, its the type of really bad pain that makes you want to wee. I once said this to a workmate and they hadnt had that feeling, I replied you havnt had the severity of pain then! Ive just taken some more pain killers but it aint touching the pain. This is nearly as bad as when I had the wisdom teeth out........wheres that whisky?

Dentist

It was an hour Jan and I have to go back in2 weeks time for something else too, he was talking about a crown, but as Ive had so much of the numbness stuff was finding it hard to hear.

In fact Ive come to the conclusion that im too British! Sat in the chair, out comes the needle of course I wince at the pain of the needle going in. Few minutes later and we are off. Now dentist said I should feel anything, but as he is drilling I can, but think it’s not so bad, but then I wince, he stops we wait a while, he starts. Im thinking to myself must not wince it I can feel it (don’t want to be a pain in the arse). Of course it hurts again with the drill, so I get more numbness stuff. Don’t feel a thing after that. He actually asked me if I was dozing off and one point.

All in all not too bad really, but then I still can’t feel anything or talk, so ask me later how I actually am feeling! Worse thing is cost £250 today, so that’s £360 now, plus will be another £65 for the crown (wonder if I will get jewels in it?) Top it off got the council tax bill too today! YAY!!! Will have a look at the old finances tonight, as they arnt looking too clever right now, think I will need to cut back on some other stuff too. Oh well there are places I can walk to take nice photos, it aint all that bad….

Anyway im off to try and stop biting at my tongue feels weird, nice but weird.


Oh and just one last thing apparently I have longer than average tooth roots, the average is 20 mm whilst mine are 23 mm. Just thought I would share that!

dream dream dream

For those of you I was talking to last night, you will be pleased to hear there was no 3 in a Jacuzzi last night, much more boring. I was going to a Christmas party, left the house in a frock (!) but decided I didn’t like it so went to Lincoln to buy a new one and couldn’t find anything anywhere, was very frustrating at one point I was doing that dream running where you don’t get anywhere. Anyway there were lots of hats and scarves for sale but no frocks. There was countless people all laid on the street asleep, plus lots of dogs about, including a very friendly rotweiler (SP). Eventually I went for the Christmas meal in my scruffs, which was odd too, they had corn on the cob on the table instead of bread rolls, but it was off…anyway woke up then. Go figure!

Other news, found out this morning I have won second prize on a photography comp on a site that I go onto, wasn’t one where you enter they just pick the best photos from the previous year. I get a prize and every fink!!! Maybe I could start entering a few ?!?

Hog did show up on cam last night but again didn’t eat anything, will try some suet pellets and chopped nuts tonight; see if that will tempt him/her. Means I can have the chicken, might make a soup as I don’t think that I will be able to eat much tonight…yup its dentist day! To say im bricking it is very much an understatement, to be sat with my mouth open for an hour, I am sure there will be drilling, has got to be one of my worse nightmares! Still at least I get to finish work early, but think the most painful bit will be handing over the cash after. Seems a bit sadistic to me paying for this pain, mind people do make good livings out of it!

Oh well, best top up the bird feeders and be off to work, hope I see you all later. Ive got this nagging thought that the dentist will slip and I will end up with a whole in my cheek…….hope this is one time Im not seeing into the future!

I know

they have to eat and they are wonderful birds, but its not nice when you see a bird taken by the sprawk, not sure what was just taken but such a row in the garden, think it was small so possibly one of the tits, just before I could hear them in the garden. Whatever the poor bird was it was still screaming as the sprawk took it away...:(

well....

After last nights excitement I just couldn’t wait to get up and watch the playback! Oh ok I had a lay in, was really sleepy, so bleary eyed I watched a rather picky hog turn his/her nose up at the food I had offered, typical! Oh well will have to see if he comes back tonight, Ive got some more chicken in.

Decided to have a walk up on the fields, not really much about but something rather spooky happened in the church yard. It’s a nice church and the bells were tolling as I was up there, I mainly stick to the old part as the graves anrt as tended as the new ones, I think Ive said before it’s not ideal me walking about with a camera if people are grieving so I stick to the old side. Makes me a bit sad to see all the old graves left to grow over. No one about to put flowers on them, or remember who is laid there. Well there was some ladybirds about so was taking a few photos, now today its warm, brilliant sunshine, however when I was taking the ladybird shots, which was on a grave, I noticed that as I breathed out I could see my breath, didn’t think much about it, until I walked along a little and noticed I couldn’t see my breath anymore.

Hmmm rather odd, Ive deleted the photos I took, call me superstitious but the last thing I want is some upset ghost not happy with me, especially as I will be in the dentists chair for an hour tomorrow!

Came home, got some jobs done in the garden and house, haven’t don’t a great deal as a) couldn’t be arsed and b) couldn’t be arsed. Will try and do some more now, not a great deal to do to be fair but it will make me think Ive achieved something!

Birds have been pretty quiet in the garden today, just been watching some pigeons having a flap fight, couldn’t help but laugh at how silly they look, guess they was fighting over some girl pigeon, oh how romantic ( I must get a boyfriend before its too late)

Well that’s about it really, will put some photos on the other blog, then may go and have a soak.

NEWS!!!!!!!!

Just sighted hog on cam....WHOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! the oven is on and chicken is cooking, not sure who it was, but looking rather thin so will be fed right back up again. I cant tell you how happy and exited I am, poor oc, just got me screaming HOGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Some stills from the cam

Cambridge Botanical Gardens

Well in the end I did go to Cambridge botanical gardens. I always find it rather challenging to take photos there, as it isn’t a nature reserve at all, so no nice hides or feeding stations. Just you the trees, plants and wildlife. Have to take the shot when you can and believe me you miss a few too. Best bet is to find some where to sit, preferably with a tree or bush in front of you and see what birds come to you.

The day was glorious to start with, lovely and sunny, ideal for taking photos. As I walked into the gardens, it started to get a wee bit cloudy, but didn’t let that put me off. On turning a corner, saw a green woodpecker, damn camera still in bag..TUT! Got camera out put zoom lens on, walked about a bit, saw a red admiral, damn wrong lens is on!! Never mind, onwards I went, looked up and saw a lovely bullfinch eating some buds, I did get a record shot, but that’s about it, as there was too many branches in the way to get anything decent!

Stopped for elevenses, where a rather brave blackbird decided to join me, was no more than 2 feet away from me, digging about in the leaf litter looking for his own snack. Lots of blue tits, great tits, ltt’s, dunnocks, chaffinches, greenfinches, jackdaws, magpies and robins about too. Walked all around the gardens, took some more photos, but it was very cloudy and couldn’t quite get the photos that I would have liked.

Stopped for lunch and changed the lens to the macro one, off to find bugs! Simply loads of bees about, all different types. Countless ladybirds, never ever ever ever have I seen so many about before, was so cool! Filled up 2 memory cards on bees and ladybirds alone! The gardens were lovely too, all in spring mode, the smells were wonderful, plus the sound of bird song. Actually at one point I looked up and there was a dunnock above my head in the tree singing his heart out, took a photo with the macro lens so will be interesting to see how that one turns out.

Changed lens again, took some more bird photos, including a singing wren, fly over from a kestrel (I think) not a great shot. Kept hearing a nearby jay, so went and sat for a while and he should himself too! Kept hearing the green woodpecker but didn’t see it again :( But did get some photos of some very nice thrushes that were happy to sit and pose!

All in all a really nice day, with quite a lot seen bird wise for there, I don’t normally see so much, plus was fantastic to see the bullfinch my first ever!!! Oh and of course mallards on the pond, but I tend to stay away from there as that’s where more people are, not great when you are trying to be still and take photos, with people bustling about you! Hmm 14 different types seen, unless Ive forgotten one, oh pheasant too. That’s 15, starling, that’s 16, wow that is good for there! Well best get on and process the photos for t’other blog!

Oh pigeon too, so thats 17!

Jacdaws

They are such funny birds, they really keep me entertained, just been watching them come down to the garden, filling their beaks with as much food as possible then going off up to the roof tops to eat it. They dont really seem bothered about me being in the garden now, they were actually flying over my head. Guess it helps as Im the food giver!!!

Well I still haven't decided what to do today, the sun is starting to come out, sat here with a cup of coffee trying to decided what to do today, got a few options in my head, including one that says what about some more sleep, or get some papers a cup of tea and a nice read in bed! Ok will make a choice in the next ten mins I think.....

and now the end is near

Another working week is drawing to an end, really pleased this week is nearly over, not been a good week as weeks go. Now I can look forward to the w/e. Think I will be staying local this w/e, really hope the weather is as good as it has been all week. The plan will be to try and get some more macro practise in, I don’t really want to have to use a tripod for the macro as I think it will make me feel a little restricted, but I might use try it and see.

I might do a bit of a juggle with some money tonight, if I can manage it then I might go over to Cambridge to see the gardens in early spring, really is a lovely time, everything starting to burst through its buds. We will have to see. Think flutters will be out for this w/e though, maybe Sunday..Oh can’t make up my mind now!!

Anyway, will have to make sure all my jobs are done here first, including the h work, will do that tonight I think, sure there was something else I had to do tonight as well. Oh memory like a goldfish me. Anyway Ive decided I am going to have a good day today, looking forward to lunchtime, as there might be some more bugs about. I was taking photos of a spider last night, will have a look at them later, how brave am I!?!?!?!?

Well best go wash my teeth and get dressed for work…happy Friday!!!

whats this cd?

Now normally I can tell what will be in the cd player as Im the only one here. Odd that Phill must have been listening to music when he was here as he never ever does. Now im trying to guess who it is playing, my first thoughts were talking heads, but im not so sure, as the only talking heads cd is mine and the tracks I don’t quite recognise. Now I think it could possibly be roxy music, take me to the river is playing.

Im a bit annoyed with myself tonight. Have had a really crap day, think well I hope that this will get it out of myself before I try and sleep, but not so sure it will. This cd is bugging me. Today’s events have left me rather on edge to say the least, now I cant get all the crap out of my head, hate it when I get days like this, I worry so unnecessarily about anything and everything. I will end up driving myself mad with it im sure.

Ok Im going to go and look what is playing. It was talking heads, well there you go, have a cd I didn’t even know about. Ive changed it now for the other talking heads cd. Do you ever get that feeling when you are so irritated by yourself that you don’t even want to be in your own skin? Thoughts that you have done something wrong or something that you should or shouldn’t have done. Mind continually searching and racing, but never quite putting your finger on it. Your senses are unnaturally heightened, even your hair can feel the air around it, the slightest of touch feels on your skin feels like sand paper, teeth are sensitive to the point it feels like the enamel is peeling off. Eyes are straining to cope with the light; hearing is picking up every noise.

All I want some days is to stop, to stop being so annoyed at myself. I know I have to live with stuff and deal with it the best way I can, but it would be so nice if for once I wasn’t so damn hard on myself.

Ive been bit

Boy does it itch too, I can see most of the day I will have my boots off! Either that or its a reaction to the antibiotics im on, says can give you hives, arnt hives meant to be itchy? Not going to google them as if they are horrible it will make me feel worse. Tooth still hurting, not long til the hour of hell now. Not sure I will be able to keep my mouth open for an hour. Actually as he was checking my teeth he was reading out the ones that are missing. I have a few teeth missing 8's are gone and some 6's think he said a 4 too, this is due to the fact that apparently I have a small mouth so all my teeth didnt fit into it. Had a brace as I was growing up, that was fun!

Oh well, best take the a/b's then get ready for work, soon be friday..whoo hooo

weird

Had to come back on and post this whilst the ole memory serves me well. Was just outside when I heard something fly into the budleia, it also caught my eye too, not something flying about at this time of night, ok possibly a robin as I do hear them here quite late, but the sound and the movement was too big in my opinion. Went in to get the torch, had a good look round and nothing to be seen. Suppose it could have been a robin, but it really did sound and move bigger than that. Too early for bats I would have thought.....hmmm more mysteries

rolling rolling rolling

Well I have to pay for the teeth in some way, without sacrificing other stuff, so Im back on the rollies! Not too bad, plus will save me a hell of a lot of money. Only thing was they only had green papers and I prefer the red ones. Im sat here now rolling up a few for the evening and some for tomorrow, this takes me back a few years, when I was at college and the various times Ive been to skint to buy fags!

On another note, on the way to work this morning, there was a starling sat in the guttering doing the most oddest of things, it was sat calling whilst rotating one wing over and over again….any ideas?

Nearly met the new area director today but was engaged so he left me a nice note of well done ness instead. It’s been a funny day, not really busy so been faffing about a lot, having a few laughs which is always nice to do, not very productive but needed every now and then.

Also had the macro lens out at lunch time so will see how the photos come out, I found a very small bug to take photos of so am looking forward to seeing how they come out. It was really tiny so im not expecting great photos, but it was fun trying to get them.

Well best roll some more smokes, at least this way I might be able to spare the money to go out some where this w/e…Horaaaaay!!

OUCH!!!!!!

Mostly I am a very placid laid back kind of a girl, I do not enjoy being mean to others, im not aggressive in the slightest, too be honest I cant be bothered normally. There are some things that do get my goat though. Like this morning, a car didn’t stop at the zebra crossing; he went straight past me then parked a little down the road. This to me is so rude, plus you are meant to stop at them.

As I walked past he was getting out the car, I though about asking him if he actually saw the crossing or knew what one was, but I was feeling quite mellow this morning, so settled on an evil glare, he looked back at me, he knew why he was being glared at. That mainly is the extent of me being cross with some one then it’s forgotten in an instant.

Later that day, some one showed me their aggression. There isn’t many times that I have felt scared in my job, the branch I work in has pretty much all nice people that come in so don’t really get any hassle. However today a man decided that as I wouldn’t do his request he would have a go. The door got the brunt of his aggression and my table as he pushed it towards me, he was muttering stuff too. The door is one of these automatic ones but he managed to bash it against the wall. Nice huh!?! Still never mind.

All this and I have chronic toothache! Now since being here Ive never registered with a dentist, mainly due to it’s never crossed my mind and the nightmare I had when I had my wisdom teeth taken out: I tell you waking up too soon, pulling out the padding and 3 infections later is enough to put anyone off. I don’t really suffer with tooth problems, wash them twice a day, use mouth wash and I floss. This pain though was unbearable, all up my lower jaw, not good.

After a ring round I find a close by dentist, private (of course), but I went after work to see him. Nice chap, south African, was struggling to understand what he said, in fact I answered some questions completely wrong and he looked at me a bit odd. Anyway turns out the filling I had done about 4 years ago, was over filled, which has meant that it is killing the nerve (?). An abysses is forming (oh joy) under the tooth, which is causing the pain. Treatment, an hour next week having root work or something like that. Sounds painful to me I know that much. Ive also been given 2 types of anti-biotic to take before then. Christ dentists are expensive!! He said my other teeth were good so at least no problems there. In the end though it will cost about £270!!!!

Did think about sending the new lens that I got today, but after a short play at lunchtime I just couldn’t as I love it. So fast and quiet too. Such a good lens.

So my plans of going out this w/e to either Beds to see the flutters or Cambridge for spring flowers will have to be shelved 

Something on cam

Mouse cam, there is one just behind it too. Nice to get something on the cam to watch whilst im here invoicing at 10 pm..... Really need to sort the cam out more though it can do with being a bit closer, if I can get it right for the meeces then the hogs will be much better.

Sunshine!!!!!!

At last some sunshine to start the day with makes all the difference to the horrid dreaded Monday! Boss is back today so will have to fill her in on whets been happening, not much to be fair, but there is a few things I will need to tell her about, only had one “discussion” with some one so that’s not too bad for me.

Oh Ive placed an order at warehouse express this morning, all by myself too. Just hope that ive chosen the right one and yes I checked that it said Nikon fit firstly. Oh spring hurry up and get here so all the bugs come out, you probably don’t need more of a hint than that!! This will be the last purchase for a while, apart from extension tubes that ive seen recommended, but don’t think they are very expensive, plus maybe some more memory and another spare battery. Also think that I need a bigger bag now!

Ive only ordered it as I know what will be in my pay packet in April so it will more than cover the new lens, although why I feel I have to justify my spending I don’t know!!! I work hard for my money, the bills will be paid etc etc.

If I could find a way to make money from the camera then that would be even better! I could be available for weddings, birthdays and ………..

head hurts

I much prefer to go out to the pub with blokes rather than women (sorry), but it’s much easier as there is no pretence or agendas it’s just drinking and watching the talent. I rather like the fact that their little egos are instantly boosted with a pint and the fact that they automatically think they stand a chance with every woman in the room! Most of the night was spent with me saying “no chance” to have the reply “if I did ………” the rest is too rude for me to put on here.

Too be fair they were picking out men for me too. Pretty boys with weird shaped arses though, Im not really into pretty boys, I like a man to be a man and use fewer products than me in the bathroom, plus not to be too worried about how his hair looks.

Anyway it was a good evening, but due to the fact that I haven’t really drunk in about 3 weeks, the little I had last night has caused for a slight overhang this morning, my head is a bit like cotton wool, so will take it easy today.

Phill has gone off to Baku for 3 weeks, a flying visit from him, but when he comes back he has promised to cut the grass and sort a few things in the house. I now just need to sort out the explosion he has left behind in the house.

Yesterday was good fun at Barnes, the weather was lovely, I was struggling at several points with the urge to run, nothing to do with where or who I was with at all, just the way I was feeling, but I am so glad I stuck with it, as everyone was lovely, plus we saw some cool birds.

Well today the weather is shite so not so sure I will be going out today; it’s nice though when you can have a day at home pottering about, I haven’t really got anything that needs to be done urgent. I have some moon photos I need to look at and put on other blog. Need to make some plans, plus need to re-build my wall again, think I am going to make it a lot higher and tougher this time around, so it’s much much stronger.

Well that’s about it for now..

barnes again

Another trip to barnes,with pete, anna, mark, eb, malcom and hugh, the weather was glorious, much better than I thought it was going to be when I awoke in the morning. Anyway I was on my best behaviour, the others im sure will post up lists of what was seen. Will put photos on other blog later and finish this as I need to go get ready to go ooot to the pub!

catch up

Monday

Well after Sunday it was a nice break not to blog or feel I had to blog, or even chat. Sorry. Still I do miss putting down my crap into words. Sometimes I think that I perhaps am too open on the blog, Christ you wouldn’t even have to talk with me to know whats going on or how I am feeling. I know that some people do prefer this option, makes me sad.

I think the reason why I crashed was mainly due to having time on my hands, the weather was crap the chores all done and I was left with nowt to do. So, I started to listen to some music and reminisced, read through old cards that had been sent, looked back over the blog, good times and bad times. Think I just got myself in a tizzy, worrying about the could have beens and the what ifs, instead of thinking straight. I long for little in my life, very little indeed. Money doesn’t really bother me, I earn enough to pay the bills and follow my hobbies, plus look after anything wild that decides to descend on me. Guess I am lonely again, guess I won’t do anything about it again; it takes me so long to actually get over some one that it’s scary to get involved.

I know that if I don’t take the plunge then how will I ever know, but when you have had your fingers burnt too many times, you kind of stay away from the cooker. I just couldn’t bear for my hopes and dreams to be shattered again. Then I think well im not that bad a catch, ok im not too much of an ugly bug, im loyal and quite loving in the right owners hands. Plus im practical, don’t often have fits of girlyness. Then I am also hugely independent, and then I also love to share. Ideally I would like to meet some one with at least a love of nature, GOO GOD; this is starting to sound like an advert!!

Well work has been ok, my pc broke again today, so had the excuse that I couldn’t really do much. Came home via the shop, stir-fry for dinner..yum. Did some boxing, but had to stop as when I was doing some kicking, a little gas escaped my erm arse and made a noise, gave me a fit of giggles, but was nice to laugh.

Well I will save these blogs then put them on when I feel ready again, I actually am starting to feel some what better, but I am going to take a bit more time off.


Tuesday 27 Feb.

As I sit here writing this, it’s another sunny bright day…NOT. All this rain is really starting to get on me a bit. Was just outside and noticed that it’s not going to be long now until I have to cut the grass again, first cut is the deepest, oh no that’s wrong isn’t it. One of the jobs I hated over summer was cutting the grass, now I know that there isn’t much to cut really, but it’s still a pain.

I should of course be preparing for the presentation I am giving on Wednesday evening. At least I should read up on what it is, think it will be a last minute job again, it’s a good job that I am a practised blagger that’s all I can say.

Bird news, the wren is feeding more and more from the garden, not sure if there is two or just one, but to hear its lovely song in the morning is really helping me. There really is nothing like nature to give you that buzz. Dunnocks are doing there odd mating thing, for apparently shy, drab birds they don’t half make up for it in the bedroom.

My dreams have calmed down a bit. Last couple of nights they have been mainly about me having sex with various people from my past, but in odd locations, I can handle that as long as they don’t return to how they was before. Actually last night I was also a local swimming hero……truth is im not a good swimmer at all, dislike chlorine, and makes my eyes sting.

Well, that’s it for now, best get ready for another day at work, got pile of paper work to get though, just hope my pc doesn’t break down today.

Well I went through 3 pc’s today, must get test for static electricity, think its me that has the problem. Managed to fix my own for now, so hopefully it will all be working ok tomorrow, felt like a nomad today wandering from pc to pc.

Oh I have also volunteered my services at a local school, to help with their garden club, they are only tots, but at present it isn’t very structured, so am thinking of lots of things they can grow, also add some nature aspect to it too. I am hoping that it becomes and after school club, just need to convince my boss that me having a couple of hours off in the afternoon, possibly once a fortnight is a good thing to do! I am sure she won’t mind at all. Oh and Im not doing this to get the time off work!! I am actually quite excited about it; thinking of all the stuff we can grow, want to get the nature aspect in too.

Oh crap I forgot to bring the stuff home that I am meant to be giving a presentation on tomorrow night, crap crap crap crap crap…

Wednesday 28 Feb

Was thinking today about when I was going to start publishing again on blogger, weird how I am keeping this up, but not actually publishing. It’s like I am having a secret life, well almost.

Today was horrific in the pc stakes, in the end I couldn’t log onto any pc at all, so was a bit annoyed really, but eventually the problem was all fixed, so peace restored once again.

Docs was ok, he thinks I am worrying too much about getting the way I was again, which is why this episode has affected me so much. He is keeping me on the same level of meds, but has got me to fill out a questionnaire. He is so funny, he was telling me a joke, but I just didn’t get it, so was doing the whole polite laughter thing, but he was cracking up. He also asked about my tiredness, whilst yawning, which of course started me off!!! He was chuffed that I had followed his advice on the other stuff and also looked at my eyes again for me. All in all, I have another review in 4 months, unless I feel like I am really slipping then I have to go back.

I will see how I go, the old dark stuff has been coming back, which is why I think that I have been sleeping, that way I can switch it all off and don’t have to listen to my head anymore. Sometimes that’s the only way that I can survive.

Presentation went well, all off the cuff as normal, at some points I was thinking, oh god I wish I have read it before hand, but managed to deal with all the questions, so that wasn’t too bad. Feeling tired again now, but I am trying to not sleep before dinner, nightmares are still the order of the night, but I am pleased to say that they are not as sick as they have been of late.

Well, still not feeling like I want to publish this, so will save it again.


Crap crap crap, phill is back Friday and has asked about his b’day tea!! Crap forgot I will have to “pretend” that ive had it organised for ages!! Oh well I know where I can get him something from, best get baking a cake too

Thursday 1 March

Today has ended very thought provoking for me, I always like to be challenged, its what I most thrive on really.

The morning started well, lovely sunshine, instantly felt lifted, bird song filling my ears, warmth of the sun on my face, didn’t want to be anywhere else in the world at that moment.

Day was ok, some arsey people who like to tell me how to do my job, they never win, but they always try….

Anyway one of my customers is a doctor, he works at the local hospital, really nice chap, the type of person you can instantly see is so kind you could just reach out and hug him. Well we was talking about doctors and stuff, he has invited me to go to the dept he works in, walk round speak to the patients etc. Apparently some people go up there and pray with the patients, but I don’t have to do that if I don’t want too. He works in mental health, he doesn’t know of my recent problems and I didn’t tell him.

When I next see him I am going to arrange a time I can go up there. Not sure if there will be much I can do, I can talk and listen. As he puts it, these people have been rejected and forgotten by society, the ones we want locking away, the ones that we think are mad. Is that really true? Mental health is such a tricky subject, I do think that people are scared of the subject, after all it’s seen as madness, which in turn is unpredictable, which could lead to harm. Im not so sure I think this, maybe as I suffer myself, after all am I not mad? I am on meds to sort out the imbalance in my brain, am I not the same as them? Should I be rejected by society?

Makes you think, it really does. I have no grand thoughts that I am going to be able to share any wisdom or help or cure these people, I also suppose that in some ways it will help me in the way that I can put into perspective my own illness, which maybe will help. I want to understand more about it, more about how the brain I guess works, how it then doesn’t work for some of us, so we feel like this.